Looking for advice...
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- fml0
Going to talk to a lawyer today to get legal advice.
Believe me, I would love to clear the air and be open with this. But I know her. I was married to her for 11 years. She can be extremely explosive and lashes out. I would love it if I could sit down and calmly discuss it with her. But I know she will turn it into something that will just make things way worse right now then they need to be.
I'm going to be talking to a lawyer and discussing stuff with them. I will bring it up with them, but unless she gets nasty I don't want it being a part of the proceedings at all. I would rather keep things as simple and civil as possible. It will be far less damaging to me (and the kids) if I can make it through the divorce process, without shit going crazy.
I fully plan on bringing it up after everything is said and done, if we can get through this in an amicable way. I'm not looking for a confrontation. I'm not looking to try and use it against her. Sure, deep down I wish that there was at least some sort of guilt, or even a slight bit of empathy on her part. But I know there isn't. Believe me. After 11 years, I've heard her say, "I'm sorry" I think twice. I'm not saying she didn't feel sorry, she just would never admit it.
It's fucking painful to know that after 11 years that she can move on so easily and just toss aside everything. I think what's making it even harder is that as I sat feeling guilty and depressed on the state of our marriage the last year, and trying to think I could fix it - she had already moved on, but continued to guilt me. The whole time I was wondering what to do, and thinking things could turn around, she was having an affair. I've went back and looked at the phone records. Over 4000 texts and 40 hours a month on average were going/coming from his number. This is of course after she asked to up her messaging plan to unlimited, because she said she it was her primary form of communication with friends and other moms. The whole reason is now obvious...
When we decided to call it quits, she surprised me, and everyone around us by staying calm, saying she didn't want to argue and makes things bad. I was more than happy with this. Looking back, I know why she did this - because it was self serving. She didn't want things to get nasty then, because she didn't want me to find out. Or more importantly, she didn't want family and friends to find out. I thought it was all because of the kids and that maybe she still had some respect for me.
She's been a stay at home Mom for 8 years, and I've been the sole income provider. So when it came time to come up with a plan for finances and living situations. I was happy to move out and allow her time to adjust and continue being a full time Mom through the school year, so that our kids were not thrown into daycare right away. It would also allow her time to find a job.
I moved out, pretty much taking only my clothes and my computer. I continued to pay the mortgage and allow her to live the same life she had. Did I think this was unfair? Yes. But it seemed to be working for the kids. And - as upset as I was - I still respected her as the mother of our kids and as the person that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. So I was willing to do it.
blah blah. sorry for blabbing. just feels good to get it out there and get different opinions and perspectives.
- ********0
^
Buddy, I don't know you. But, I feel.At the very least, look into therapy for yourself (if you haven't already). You will blossom.
- vaxorcist0
This does suck..... I had a slightly similar situation a few years ago, but no kids.....
Note that seeing the WRONG therapist can be terrible.. .was for me at least.... and seeing a couples counselor can be an odd minefield, as my ex and I had TOTALLY different ideas of what to discuss....
The vanishing of respect is a HUGE deal, and your kids will probably figure this out even if you try to hide it from them.
Her tendency to explode is a manipulative tactic she may not even be aware she's using. My ex was like that. She ended up in a hospital once thinking she had a heart attack, when it was really just anxiety.... this happened after she once finally got me to "tell her how I really feel" as I'd been reluctant to for years, knowing she'd freak out, and she did, so I stopped telling her how I felt.... lesson learned, even if she kept screaming at me for "never telling her how I feel" all the fucking time even after the hospital freakout....
good luck.... my ex finally apologized after 2 years of divorce proceedings, at the next-to-the-last court meeting, and it finally seemed like she really meant it, but for me, it was too little too late.
- SunSunSun0
Dude, finding out that your girlfriend or wife has been cheating is probably one of the most horrible things you can go through. Totally feel for you man. I've had the same experience with a long-term girlfriend too and have absolutely no tolerance left for it.
I don't quite understand your fear of talking to her. If she's explosive, she's got no right to be at all. Is there a moment when the kids are away you can do it? Or via letter? Maybe have a break from seeing them for a bit after you tell her till the dust settles.
My advice from my own experience:
1. Definitely confront her and stand your ground.
2. It can be really damaging to your self worth - read up lots about keeping it at a healthy level.
3. Remember not all women are like this. You'll learn to trust again even though that might feel the opposite right now.
4. Physical exercise is really good to relieve all the negative shit it brings out in your body. You don't want that stuff brewing in you.
5. Accept the fact you're gonna feel shitty for a while and just allow the feelings to work themselves out naturally. You'll feel free and amazing soon.
6. The best revenge (not that I recommend revenge) is for her to see you in a happy contented state without her.
7. In the long run understand she did it out of her own unhappiness and forgive her and move on.
You've got a great new start ahead of you man. All the best with everything.
- some really sounds advice right there. If i could, SunSunSun, i would buy you a beer for being a good person.capn_ron
- aw, thanks dude. : )
Beer is actually an excellent idea.SunSunSun - Great advice.Jaline
- Good stuff.barbara
- What happened to QBN?!!
Sounds too reasonable to be posted here.******** - thanks man. good stufffml
- boom. the last one is key but tricky. great stuff.sofakingbanned
- SunSunSun0
I forgot to add...
I'm not sure this applies to you but it definitely applied to me:
The better you feel about yourself - the better your self-respect - the less likely it'll ever happen to you again. If you have good self worth, you're generally treated with more respect.- although deeply unhappy people don't treat anyone with respect...SunSunSun
- sureshot0
this is why I love QBN! we can be fucking assholes but I havent seen a thread like this in a long time.
PS keep your head up fml. Been to the same shit (no kids) at first as was drinking scotch for 4 months than I started to work out .my ex was like 'WTF he looks happy without me?' yeah thats right you twat!!!
- Remixt0
Usually the second page devolves into net-banging, but you've all done a fine job of keeping to civility. I tip my hat.
- CygnusZero40
Like others have already said, life doesn't end with that bitch, in fact it will only get better. Your best days are ahead of you with you kids growing up and spending time with someone else who enjoys your company. The kids will be fine. Just keep open communication with them about everything.
- pr20
You probably will know best what to do next. I would advise against confronting her.She won't help you answering questions of "why?" She probably has no idea why herself (or afraid to answer that question to herself). Do what raf said, talk to a layer, and hold that piece of information as your ace in case she blows up when it comes to sharing the house or kids.
- sofakingbanned0
Sounds like you know what needs to be done in terms of the big picture.
I say go see a counselor and address what you're going through, it will be a big help and you'll come out of this a much better person.
Hang in there man.
- UKV0
Went through something simular, feel for you dude. I did decide to confront her, but without any anger. Just put it out in the open. She denied it, but then got pregnant with his kid. He was my best friend of ten years. But another friend gave me some great advice: "When you get hit by a truck, dont open a bank account." Translation: take it slow, and dont rush to make any big decisions right away. When something like this goes down, its like a grenade. Your ears are going to be ringing for a while. I had 10 years in my marriage, it's taken 4 years to get my guts back together and feel healed up. But on the first day it all blew up, I decided I wasn't gonna allow myself to be bitter because I didn't want that to be what my daughter would know me for. Good decision, because it turns out that the best revenge is a life well lived.
- barbara0
Release of different emotions and forgiveness (starting with yourself) is key so as not to spiral into despair. Keep your head up, you have a good heart - it's clear with the decisions you are making and with time, you're on some journey to awesomeness. And you have your lovely little ones.
- mg330
I want to say plenty of good advice in here. nice to see.
Now, on to more important things: you say you don't want to tell us what she did that put you over the edge, and you don't want to confront her about it, and I respect that. But to complete the story in my head, I'd like to think that you discovered she is a robot built by some shadowy group and you don't know if it's the government, or some private practitioner, or some ultra-secret black ops CIA group, and that you figured this all out and unearthed a deep seated fear of a half human, half robot marriage and you just can't stand it - can't stand the thought of sleeping next to a robot that had you fooled for so many years. You question all the emotions, all the happy moments, all the memories and you wonder if it was just programmed, if in fact some man wrote lines of code to determine her emotional destiny and success, not unlike what Lou Pearlman did with Backstreet Boys and N-Sync. And not confronting her about the discovery? I get that. Totally. You have no idea what she is capable of - physically, digitally, or otherwise. She could have lines of code with militaristic implications that activate based on certain stimuli - like discovery of her true self - that could cause you harm. I think I speak for all of QBN when I say this - we do not want you zapped into oblivion with some kind of dormant death ray she's got tucked into a compartment within her wrist or something. YOU need to survive.
By the way the exact same thing happened to a friend of my dad's in the late 80s. Same thing: she turned out to be a robot, built by the Swedes. Had great curves and real pretty, but all metal and gears inside and he just couldn't deal with it.
- ********0
Hang in there, gramme. We love you.
- :Omonospaced
- I dont think that was an appropriate thing to do.sureshot
- lol. not gramme :)fml
- I'm sure it's not gramme :)mikotondria3
- goldieboy0
^ it really doesn't matter who it is. It's cool that someone's come here to seek advice and has received lots of sound advice. Good to see that people on here do care and can help out fellow QBN'ers.
Best of luck fella.
- monkeyshine0
I can't imagine this is going to go well even if you don't confront her. She obviously has little integrity to carry on this affair while letting you support her under this lie. When you now say you want a divorce she's going to be reactive because you are removing financial support. It seems like that will make her freak out more than your knowledge of her infidelity. I think you should let her know you know...it might be the only legal leverage you have. Sorry. :(
- fml0
Yeah, I know shit is going to get better. And hope that when I look back on all of this I can be proud of the way I acted and that have have kept my integrity through it all.
Again, I'm not saying that I'm not going to confront her. I'm just thinking that it would best if that happened after she had the ability to hurt me worse with a messy divorce. I'm talking with a lawyer and seeking the advice of a counselor to help sort shit out before I do anything. Legally or anything else.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about shit and I know that I'm not a total saint here. I know that we made each other miserable at times - and that is both of our faults. I know she's moved on (obviously) and maybe I really haven't. But that's my shit to deal with now. Shit, I can almost even empathize with her to some degree (or at least I'm trying). Doesn't mean I agree with it, or would have done it myself. Different people deal with shit different ways. I isolated and shut down. I'm sure that wasn't easy for her. But when we were to the point were 80% of our interactions couldn't happen without one of us walking away angry or hurt - I guess that's to be expected.
I constantly bounce between what I'm going to do.
One moment I just want to sit down with her and tell her how I feel and open up to her in the hopes we can move on without being bitter towards each other. Part of me wants to confront her for the simple fact of showing her how much she hurt me.
The other moment I'm angry and just wish I could forget the last 11 years of my life. And all I want to do is get a divorce, because "that's what she deserves" (that would be the anger talking...)
Seriously want to thank everyone again. Pretty much restored my faith in the QBN community.
- Sounds like you're doing your best. Cheers on the counselor.********
- Sounds like you're doing your best. Cheers on the counselor.
- fml0
fyi - the anonymity is not because i don't want you guys knowing who i am. it's just in case things get bad and she starts googling around with some of my known usernames to dig up anything should could. although i'm not sure she's that savvy. that's also why I've been a bit hesitant about posting details about what she did.
the main reason i didn't want to divulge more info about what she'd done, or more importantly how I know - is that I got the information in a dishonest (and illegal) way, and I'm not very proud about that. She left herself logged into facebook. Curiousity got the best of me. All it took was one click on the messages icon and that's when my world turned upside down. the message wasn't to him, it was between her and a friend discussing plans for her trip/hotel arrangements for an out of state race - and that her best friend who lives in that state bailed (although I'm guessing she was asked to bail) so she was having him fly up and share the room with her for the weekend.
after looking at phone records for the past 8 months, i realized it was his number that she was calling/texting all the time. and i know the mms messages she sent to him weren't pictures of our kids kids...
- that's harsh, don't let her actions in any way reflect upon your opinion of yourselfali
- yea dude. you did nothing wrong. all those bad feelings only hurt you, it does zero to her. remember that.sofakingbanned
- mikotondria30
Don't be afraid of anger, or dismiss it. It often has your best interests at heart. Sometimes it's wise and wants a quick resolution to things, other times it's not. How to tell the difference ? If it doesn't change then act on it. It doesn't sound like you're calming down about the infidelity, and why should you ? You don't owe it to anyone not to be angry. Being angry isn't immoral, it's a sign that something is deeply flawed in your world.
Don't sit down and tell her how you feel, this isn't a fucking Lifetime movie; what will be will be - if you vent yourself at her, which you've every right to do and she holds a grudge, then that's how it is. You can do it quickly or let it seep out over years and pollute every other relationship you have, including and especially that with your kids.
The situation has already moved on, it's done - what you do now will determine your quality of life over the next few years; constant internal battle between 'I did the right thing by not being angry' vs 'soul crushing anger that you just kind of expect to dissipate over time', or accepting what happened, embracing your anger and hurt, not carrying it around with you, and saying what needs to be said. You're fighting for your future peace of mind and self-esteem, either route isn't going to be a bed of roses but one is a gamble that time will heal (it doesn't, healing heals), and the other is taking control of the situation and speaking your heart. None of this has any bearing on how well you treat your children, which would include judicial editing when talking with them about her (but this will be instinctive to you anyway, as I can tell you're a smart guy who's a parent first).That's one point of view. I could as easily propose the opposite, but my gut is telling me that you need to hear that more than the other.
It sounds like you're getting ready to throw yourself on the grenade, but truth is, it's already gone off and you'll just have to get back up again and nothing will be different, you'll still be as angry 20 years from now if you don't deal with it, and you'll be worn out, literally worn out, no good to yourself, your then-partner or your kids.
We're brought up, most of us, to shy away from conflict and argument and think of these 'negative ' emotions as negative things themselves, I'm just the same, so it's not without some experience and wisdom that I'd advise someone to speak out if it looks like they need to.