Looking for advice...
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- fml
posting under pseudonym for obvious reasons...
So, my wife and I decided to end our marriage a little over a month ago. We came to a civil agreement about how we'd handle things for now, because of our kids. We decided to separate (but not legally). However, I've recently discovered some "things" that destroy every bit of respect and trust i had for her.
My problem is, I can't bring those things up. If I do, the situation will spiral out of control into a nasty battle; and that is not an option, because the people that will suffer the most are my kids. I don't want that. everything i've been doing and plan to do, will revolve around the question, "what's best for the kids?"
i've decided to file for a divorce. i know this is contrary to my last statement, but there is no saving the marriage. no chance in hell.
My issue now is — how do I explain my reason for all of a sudden wanting a divorce rather than continuing as we'd planned? She will ask, I know. I can't bring up the things I've discovered, because of the reasons stated above. If I do not provide some explanation though, that too will probably lead to nastiness as well.
Any suggestions? I know this is not a proper forum for discussing such things, but I'm looking for objective suggestions.
- sadpanda0
over text - women love that
- U R DTM. I want a divorce. K THXmonospaced
- ps. I'm taking everything. PPS. FUCK YOUsadpanda
- hahaSunSunSun
- capn_ron0
I think you have your answer right there..
"there is no saving the marriage. no chance in hell."
Of course you need to put it as gently as possible.
Tough situation to be in, but probably the best for yourselves and the kids.And this forum has some really good people to open up to. I know cause i've done it myself. Sorry for what you're going through but you gotta keep your head on straight and do what's best for the kids and all involved.
- monospaced0
If you file for divorce you'll have to bring up these "things" with the lawyers anyway. If she's got any shred of self-respect she'll avoid it spiraling into a nasty battle (same with you), and spare the children.
- SteveJobs0
it's hard enough for you to know what's right, but even an objective crowd can offer so much advice without the ability to see the situation from both sides or be privy to the circumstances.
ultimately, you both do need to think of your kids. do what's best for them. if you know her well enough and can work together with their best interests in mind then do that, otherwise seek the counsel of friends and family and hope for the best.
good luck :/
- capn_ron0
lawyers don't always need to know more than you care to tell them. If you two can come to an agreement on paper (debt, custody, alimony, etc) you can bring that to a lawyer and both sign and it is legally binding in the divorce. That was my experience.
- fml0
Thanks guys.
my problem is we decided not to take things to the next level because of financial reasons with her being a stay at home mom, health insurance, etc. a disruption there would mean kids in daycare (which I don't have anything against, but the kids need their mom or dad as much as possible right now). also - I would end up paying for it in alimony anyway (and probably more).
so she's going to question why all of a sudden i'm changing everything.
We both knew that we were done, with no chance or desire at reconciliation. So she's going to wonder why I have chosen to change that.
- What does it really matter what she thinks anyway or why she suspects.sadpanda
- mikotondria30
So you've discovered she had an affair and you want to protect your kids from the fall out of her getting angry because you found out ?
Fuck that. She shit the bed, you don't owe her anything. From your kids point of view you'll be the civil one and if she acts all crazy, thats her responsibility. Loving your kids doesnt mean that you have to try to control their mother. Be honest and whole with yourself first and foremost or you won't have the integrity to be a complete parent. You don't have to tell the kids of course not, but you have bring everything to the table or it'll be a rock in your pocket for years and eventually you'll blurt it out. Get it done, now, as cleanly and openly as possible. Or this will fester and kill you. Seriously.- it already is festering. haven't slept in 3 days almost, and lost 6 pounds.fml
- Shit like this gives people cancer, seriously. Get it out in the open, sunlight's the only disinfectant. Just love your kids..mikotondria3
- .. that's what they need, what happens between adults is the adults' business, just be as kind and grown up as you can...mikotondria3
- ...kids'll help you always do that. You're at this point already, it can't get any worse. Be the better person, say it, be brave.mikotondria3
- I need to lose some weight, should my wife have an affair?fooler
- Cmon fooler, have some classHombre_Lobo
- good advice from mikotondria3SunSunSun
- +1 miko.********
- capn_ron0
not sure what kind of things your into, but long road rides on my bike helped me during times like these. It gives you a chance to think without any interruptions as well as gets the blood flowing which ultimately makes you feel better from the inside out.
- ********0
I'm hearing that you're afraid to discuss something with her that's eating away at you. My best advice would be to simply sit together in one session with a therapist. Believe it or not, the odds are overwhelming that you will both benefit from this.
- goldieboy0
Think about the kids - without a doubt. But it sounds like this thing is going to eat you up and drive you insane. You can't let that happen to yourself as it will effect the kids too. You have to talk to her about the 'thing' you've found out. It's a shit-scary situation to be in and for the short-term it's going to get worse before better but that's the journey. Good luck man
- pr20
Affairs are more common that most people think so it's your wrong perception of life where in your own view you are holier then most because you didn't sleep with another person while she did. Honestly, best advice i can give you: get over it. An affair means something very different to man and woman, and both do it for very different reasons. I can tell you that you were part of the reasons why she went to another man. So man up, think it through, see how you can fix the only thing everyone is capable of fixing - ourselves - and move on.
- i just wouldn't have crossed that line, knowing what the consequences are and what's at stakefml
- Coulda , shoulda, woulda - you can't change anything now except yours and your kids' future. She's got her own path.mikotondria3
- ifeltdave0
man, the best way is to just clear the air and tell her what you know. maybe you hacked her email and found something out. maybe you followed her for a week and found something out, i dont know. but either way, the only thing to do is clear the air. rip that shit off hard and quick like a band aid and get on with your life. your kids will be fine, just love the shit out of them and be there for them.. answering the questions they have etc. be strong, bro.
- fml0
fuckin' a. thanks everyone. appreciate it a ton.
- Amicus0
In the long run things are likely to be easier with a divorce than without, especially in regards to custody. The kids need to know that you both love them, but without anything in writing it is too easy for the kids to (unintentionally) play you against each other.
eg. 'Dad, I want to stay with mum tonight, not you.' 'Mum, can dad take us to school tomorrow' etc. etc. They'll end up running the show and if they are young, just think how bad that could turn out for them when they are older.
I'm saying this as I've struggled with this situation for about 6 years. The kids are suffering character wise as they are learning to be manipulative – in my circumstances their mum lets them make all the choices even though they are both under 10. I'm working my butt off to earn some cash so that I can things sorted out and not let things get out of control. As soon as I have a little nest egg it'll probably be sucked straight into lawyers wallets and court fees, but it'll be the best thing for the kids in the end.
- mikotondria30
It's only words, but I feel really sorry for you mate; I'm lucky that my marriage is good and I came from stable, loving happily married parents - I can't empathize, but you've got my total sympathy and there are really some properly emotionally intelligent people on here, and if you crowdsource an answer here, you can be pretty sure that the most common answer that comes up is spot-on.
- ali0
Have the integrity to speak the truth, you owe to you yourself and your marriage. So she has been weak and made mistakes but does that mean she does not deserve the opportunity to learn from it or say sorry and be forgiven? Try using a mediator, counsellor or even a letter, it takes two to battle so if you've made the decision to move on there shouldn't be one. Best of luck.
- raf0
Talk to a lawyer first, only then to her. Her not knowing that you know might be an important advantage in the settlement.
- BonSeff0
have an "associate" deliver glossy 8x10's of her nefarious actions in a manilla envelopes along with your demands kaiser soze style.
- ********0
Personally id bring it up. Just to make sure something is not being misinterrupted on your end. Example at work the other day with emotions high, a coworker A thought coworker B completely lied when they opened a file and found they hadnt updated like they said they would. Coworker A already wanted a reason to be pissed at coworker B and tells me about it since its just festering anger. Suggested to be calm and confront. Turns out it was an honest mistake not a lie. Got sidetracked and didnt update it in time. All that festering and the desire to be upset led to more frustration and than judging coworkers B character differently.
If youre pretty positive its not some biased communication error and think it will just open a can of worms which creates more frustration, than keep it to yourself. Do whats best for you. But sometimes its better to just get everything in the open and take the hit than suffering the festering of the emotions overtime.
- or what raf said for legal reasons. divorces with kids can be fucked up********
- or what raf said for legal reasons. divorces with kids can be fucked up