Looking for advice...
Out of context: Reply #40
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- mikotondria30
Don't be afraid of anger, or dismiss it. It often has your best interests at heart. Sometimes it's wise and wants a quick resolution to things, other times it's not. How to tell the difference ? If it doesn't change then act on it. It doesn't sound like you're calming down about the infidelity, and why should you ? You don't owe it to anyone not to be angry. Being angry isn't immoral, it's a sign that something is deeply flawed in your world.
Don't sit down and tell her how you feel, this isn't a fucking Lifetime movie; what will be will be - if you vent yourself at her, which you've every right to do and she holds a grudge, then that's how it is. You can do it quickly or let it seep out over years and pollute every other relationship you have, including and especially that with your kids.
The situation has already moved on, it's done - what you do now will determine your quality of life over the next few years; constant internal battle between 'I did the right thing by not being angry' vs 'soul crushing anger that you just kind of expect to dissipate over time', or accepting what happened, embracing your anger and hurt, not carrying it around with you, and saying what needs to be said. You're fighting for your future peace of mind and self-esteem, either route isn't going to be a bed of roses but one is a gamble that time will heal (it doesn't, healing heals), and the other is taking control of the situation and speaking your heart. None of this has any bearing on how well you treat your children, which would include judicial editing when talking with them about her (but this will be instinctive to you anyway, as I can tell you're a smart guy who's a parent first).That's one point of view. I could as easily propose the opposite, but my gut is telling me that you need to hear that more than the other.
It sounds like you're getting ready to throw yourself on the grenade, but truth is, it's already gone off and you'll just have to get back up again and nothing will be different, you'll still be as angry 20 years from now if you don't deal with it, and you'll be worn out, literally worn out, no good to yourself, your then-partner or your kids.
We're brought up, most of us, to shy away from conflict and argument and think of these 'negative ' emotions as negative things themselves, I'm just the same, so it's not without some experience and wisdom that I'd advise someone to speak out if it looks like they need to.