Looking for advice...
Out of context: Reply #21
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Going to talk to a lawyer today to get legal advice.
Believe me, I would love to clear the air and be open with this. But I know her. I was married to her for 11 years. She can be extremely explosive and lashes out. I would love it if I could sit down and calmly discuss it with her. But I know she will turn it into something that will just make things way worse right now then they need to be.
I'm going to be talking to a lawyer and discussing stuff with them. I will bring it up with them, but unless she gets nasty I don't want it being a part of the proceedings at all. I would rather keep things as simple and civil as possible. It will be far less damaging to me (and the kids) if I can make it through the divorce process, without shit going crazy.
I fully plan on bringing it up after everything is said and done, if we can get through this in an amicable way. I'm not looking for a confrontation. I'm not looking to try and use it against her. Sure, deep down I wish that there was at least some sort of guilt, or even a slight bit of empathy on her part. But I know there isn't. Believe me. After 11 years, I've heard her say, "I'm sorry" I think twice. I'm not saying she didn't feel sorry, she just would never admit it.
It's fucking painful to know that after 11 years that she can move on so easily and just toss aside everything. I think what's making it even harder is that as I sat feeling guilty and depressed on the state of our marriage the last year, and trying to think I could fix it - she had already moved on, but continued to guilt me. The whole time I was wondering what to do, and thinking things could turn around, she was having an affair. I've went back and looked at the phone records. Over 4000 texts and 40 hours a month on average were going/coming from his number. This is of course after she asked to up her messaging plan to unlimited, because she said she it was her primary form of communication with friends and other moms. The whole reason is now obvious...
When we decided to call it quits, she surprised me, and everyone around us by staying calm, saying she didn't want to argue and makes things bad. I was more than happy with this. Looking back, I know why she did this - because it was self serving. She didn't want things to get nasty then, because she didn't want me to find out. Or more importantly, she didn't want family and friends to find out. I thought it was all because of the kids and that maybe she still had some respect for me.
She's been a stay at home Mom for 8 years, and I've been the sole income provider. So when it came time to come up with a plan for finances and living situations. I was happy to move out and allow her time to adjust and continue being a full time Mom through the school year, so that our kids were not thrown into daycare right away. It would also allow her time to find a job.
I moved out, pretty much taking only my clothes and my computer. I continued to pay the mortgage and allow her to live the same life she had. Did I think this was unfair? Yes. But it seemed to be working for the kids. And - as upset as I was - I still respected her as the mother of our kids and as the person that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. So I was willing to do it.
blah blah. sorry for blabbing. just feels good to get it out there and get different opinions and perspectives.