Joke of the Day
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- sarahfailin-2
hey guys
what's marychain's favorite image format?- >sarahfailin
- >sarahfailin
- >sarahfailin
- .gilf !!!sarahfailin
- .gilf?detritus
- damnitdetritus
- gilf is marychain's golf course nicknamested
- ohh shitscarabin
- Greedo0
An angry wife (Ekaitte) 2 her husband (Akpors) on phone.
Ekaitte: Where the hell are you? ...
Akpors: Honey, u remember dat gold shop where u saw the diamond necklace & totally fell in luv wit it?
Ekaitte (relaxed): Yes, my king
Akpors: Remember I had no cash 2 buy it 4 u dat day & I said I will buy it 4 u one day?
Ekaitte (totally relaxed with a smile & a blush): Yes I remember my love!
Akpors: Good, I am in a beer palour next to that shop!===
Akpors goes to a store for groceries. He finds cat food at a very special low price. He buys a dozen cans of cat food. The manager sees this and thinks that Akpos probably doesn't own a cat and he might give the cat food to his children. He goes to Akpos and ask him to bring the cat as proof for him to buy the cat food. Akpors goes and bring his cat and the manager lets him buy the dozen cans.
A few days later Akpors finds dog food at a low lower price. He buys a dozen cans of dog food. Again the manager wants proof that he owns the dog. Akpors goes to get his dog and the manager lets him buy.
A few days later Akpors goes to the store carrying a bag. He ask
the manager to put his hand in the bag and feel what is inside.
After feeling what's in the bag the manager says, "What the
f**k? What is this? Is this poo?"
Akpors nodded and replied, "Yes, I wanted to buy toilet paper
and I don't want you to send me back for proof again."
- chukkaphob-2
checkout this joke:
I keep trying to buy those divider sticks, but the cashiers keep putting them back :(
- You're autistic, aren't you..set
- ^ LOLAl_dizzle
- ^^ LMAO! hilariouschukkaphob
- making fun of autism - soooo effin' hilarous. SMH.chukkaphob
- calm down chukka, its just the internetAl_dizzle
- @Al_dizzle you find autism "jokes" funny too? cause it's "just the internet" so you get a free pass? whatevs, braaaahchukkaphob
- lol autism confirmedset
- lol insensitivity douchebaggery confirmed by an internet meme sensationchukkaphob
- http://i.imgur.com/6…Al_dizzle
- Just learn to laugh at yourself you cuntset
- hahah, total fucking Speccy 48K, mate.detritus
- kona8
First Woman lands on the Moon. Soon after...
"Houston, we have a problem"
What is it?
"Oh, it's nothing."
What kind of problem are you having?
"It's nothing, I'm ok"
Please, tell us what's going on.
"I'm fine. It's fine."- lolGnash
- ( hmm. my better half did not appreciate this as much as i did)Gnash
- i don't understand this joke.oey
- < lol.VectorMasked
- drgs2
When you lose your internet connection, its the perfect time to lay back and dive into your thoughts, to contemplate over your
oh wait its back on- lol_niko
- hahaomg
- :Dsted
- This literally just happened.section_014
- set-3
knock knock
- MrT4
What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?
Tennish.
- akiersky-4
Not really a joke, I guess. But funny!
This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of our Workers' Compensation board.This is a true story.
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident..You asked for a fuller explanation, and I trust the following details will be sufficient:
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.
This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry.- https://www.youtube.…MHDC
- ^ HA!akiersky
- Note...any story that starts with "This is a true story" generally isn't.BusterBoy
- chukkaphob3
Why did the partially blind man fall down a well?
- BuddhaHat7
My wife left me because I'm too insecure.
- Krassy8
Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?
Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: It’s also mine
- BuddhaHat1
Cigarettes are just like weasels.
Both are completely harmless until you put them in your mouth and set them on fire.
- MrT1
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked "Do you have any
luggage?".The photon replies, "No, I'm travelling light."
- BuddhaHat3
What is it called when you die and come back as a hillbilly?
- elahon0
What's the difference between a tire and 365 condoms?
- One's a good year, the other is a great year.elahon
- it'd be better w/o the condomssarahfailin
- BuddhaHat7
A lawyer gets pulled over for speeding in Chicago.
Lawyer: Is there a problem, officer?
Officer: Sir, you were speeding.
Lawyer: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Lawyer: I would give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Lawyer: Lost it four years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Lawyer: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Lawyer: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Lawyer: Yes, and I killed the owner.
Officer: You what?
Lawyer: Killed the owner, I had to self defense otherwise he would call the police and I would be in jail.
The Officer looks at the Lawyer and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Senior Officer: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The lawyer steps out of the vehicle.
Lawyer: Is there a problem sir?
Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and killed the owner.
Lawyer: Killed the owner?
Senior Officer: Is this your car, sir?
Lawyer: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Senior Officer: One of my officers claims that you don't have a driving license.
The lawyer digs into his pocket takes out his license and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.Senior Officer: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you killed the owner.
Lawyer: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
- Why does he have to be from Chicago?wordssssss
- Wait Until You See What Happens Next! Junior Officers Hate Him!nb
- lol @nbbklyndroobeki
- Why does it have to be a lawyer?MrT
- drgs-3
99% of american humor is word puns
- safe and without the risk of offending.hotroddy
- worst joke in this threadchukkaphob
- not the most downvoteddrgs