Joke of the Day
- Started
- Last post
- 677 Responses
- MrT2
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
- BuddhaHat0
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Syria either."
- Beeswax5
A man received a message from his neighbour. "Sorry sir, I am using your wife, day and night, when you are not present at home. In fact, much more than you do...
I confess this now because I am feeling very much guilty.
I hope you will accept my sincere apologies."The man shot the wife...
A few minutes later he received another message:
"Fucking autocorrect: wifi, not wife"
- ApeRobot11
Set
- srhadden0
A man finds a dead rabbit near the road. He grabs a bottle from his coat, pours it into the rabbits mouth, and the rabbit bolts to life, thanks the man, and walks away into the woods, smiling and waving goodbye all the way. What do you think was in that bottle ?
Hare restorer with permanent wave
- DRIFTMONKEY-1
I'm writing a book on 100 things to do before you die.
Here's what I have so far.
1. Yell for help
- Fire. Always shout FIRE...it grabs peoples attention far more effectively than yelling for "help".jabstract
- GeorgesII-5
I was walking down the street in New York when a black man came up to me and asked, "Hey, did the Yankees win?"
I responded, "Yeah dude, you're free!"
- Raniator-1
Q. How do you know if someone is vegan?
A. Don't worry, they'll fucking tell you.
- GeorgesII-1
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?
.
.
.
.
A receding hare line.
- GeorgesII3
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while.
Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.
The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.
They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians.
The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."
So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. They arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray.
They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."
There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "
- MrT3
Two wind turbines in a field and one says to the other, "Do you like music?"
He replies, "I'm a big metal fan."
- utopian0
How does NASA organize a party?
- GeorgesII6
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."
- monoboy2
An Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman try an escape from Colditz. They get as far as the courtyard when they get spotted by a German guard and make a dash for a store room.
The Englishman spots an empty sack and climbs into it. The Scotsman and Irishman follow suit.
Suddenly the door bursts open and a guard walks in.
He bayonets the sack with the Englishman inside. He meows like a cat and the guard says, 'Es ist nur eine Katze' and moves on.
Then he bayonets the sack with the Scotman inside. He shouts woof and the guard says, 'Es ist nur ein Hund' and moves on.
Next he bayonets the sack with the Irishman inside and he shouts potatoes!
- ShenanigansTV-8
Where do drug dealers story their drugs?
- GeorgesII10
There are 3 Spies that get captured. One spy is French, one is German and the other is Italian. Their captors come into the cell and grab the French spy and tie his hands behind a chair in the next room. They torture him for 2 hours before he answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets. The captors throw the French spy back into the cell and grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair as well and torture him for 4 hours before he tells them what they want to know. They throw him back into the cell and grab the Italian spy. They tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing. 4 hours go by and the spy isn't talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell. The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk. The Italian spy responds, " I wanted to!, but I couldn't move my hands!".
- hahaaHijoDMaite
- good one :)sted
- lol_niko
- bene!Gnash
- *clap*
unexpected ending.VectorMasked
- dbloc-2
A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. Box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodation, but he didn't realize when he bought them, that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in New York City at 5 pm. Her name's Brenda. She will be the one in the white dress.
- mort_-13
A bar joke is a very common and basic type of joke. The basic syntax of this type of joke is "A man walks into a bar and something happens". The initial perception of the joke is that a man is walking into a bar to have a drink, but this only lasts a few seconds as the punchline is quickly uttered. This joke has gained an incredible amount of variants over the years. It is often used by comedians, and people telling jokes to friends.
The bar joke has a large number of variations. The types of variations include puns or word plays (the man walks into a bar and pulls out something followed by any number of different punchlines; or man with something else walked into a different thing or something), or replace the man with the things, a famous person, people of various occupations, animals (a duck walks into a bar) or inanimate objects (a sandwich or an armchair walks into a bar).
Another major variant involves several men walking into the bar together, often with related professions, such as "a priest, a minister and a rabbi." In effect, this is a merger between the "bar joke" and jokes involving priests, ministers and rabbis (or Buddhist monks, etc.) in other settings. This form has become so well known that it is the subject of at least one joke about the popularity of the joke itself.
- But this isn't funnyMaaku
- Please downvote this if you:
(a) didn't read the second paragraph
(2) are a cuntmort_ - joke walks in to a bar, the bartender asks: can i help you? joke says: i'm good, just waiting for the other bar jokes, perhaps they will be funny.sted
- I'm going to need instructions for that one, Sted. Or maybe less drugs.mort_
