Joke of the Day
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- Gardener0
Q/ What do you get if you cross Bill Clinton and Donald Trump?
A/ Found in your cell, unresponsive
- kingsteven3
My mother told me I'd never have a car made from spaghetti...
Should have seen her face when I drove pasta
- BusterBoy1
So this American guy came over to Ireland...headed to Killarney. He wanted to play golf...but he was on his own. So he went to the local golf club and said to the Club Pro "would anyone here play with me? I'm a fairly handy player so I'd want to play with someone pretty good."
"Oh, Paddy's your man" the pro says. "We'll give you his phone number".
So the American contacts Paddy...and they arrange to meet the next morning. Paddy says "I'll be there at 9 o'clock but I could be a half hour late".
So next morning they meet up at 9 o'clock sharp. Paddy turns up with a set of left handed clubs. And he beats the American pretty easily.
The American didn't take too kindly to the beating, so he says to Paddy "play me again tomorrow" to which Paddy replies "sure. I'll meet you at 9 o'clock but I could be a half hour late".
Again, Paddy turns up at 9am sharp...this time with a set of right handed clubs. The American thinks to himself "I've got him now!".
But Paddy plays just as well right handed and beats the American convincingly.
Getting annoyed now the American says "Paddy, I'll have to play you once more". Paddy replies "right. I'll meet you at 9 o'clock tomorrow, but I could be a half hour late".
"Hold on a minute" the American says. "Come on...yesterday you play left handed. And this morning you play right handed. How do you decide how you're going to play?".
"Well, when I wake up in the morning" Paddy says..."I look at the wife. If she's laying on her left side, I play with my left handed clubs. If she's laying on her right hand side, I use my right handed clubs".
The American asks "So what if she's laying on her back?"
Paddy responds "I'll be a half hour late".
- The video of the Irish guy telling that joke doing the rounds a few weeks back is good.Hayzilla
- ApeRobot1
- should be in the Useful threadGnash
- she was the best thing on vineautoflavour
- Bindegal-5
- you owe me money for the 2minutes you wasted of mineautoflavour
- Gardener6
Madonna goes into a flower shop and says,
"I'd like to buy some flowers please".
"Orchids?"
"No thanks. Just the flowers."
- coldarchon1
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”
The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.” She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”
As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”
- Hayzilla25
QBN Photoshop Battle
- LOLsoundofreason
- lolKrassy
- Ha!OBBTKN
- >//<utopian
- rofld_gitale
- has the psb thread been deleted ?d_gitale
- yupKrassy
- @d_gitale https://www.qbn.com/…Krassy
- sofas1
Former student visits his old Economics professor and notices a stack of exams lying on the table.
"Why, these are the same questions you asked when I was a student. Don't you realize that these sheets get passed down from class to class?"
"Oh, of course. But every year we change the answers."
- Krassy9
- more like "We drink in NYC, then we drink in LA, then that's it" :)Krassy
- i think shellie quitdocpoz
- drink turnouts were less than expected likelyimbecile
- shellie gets shit done.pango
- didn't quit, just have 3 big projects running & moving too. As soon as I get paid Im sending out stickers. I went from no work, to lotsa work. Waitin on chequesshellie
- don't worry shellie. we're just waiting on the battle part.pango
- patiencepockets
- yes, what Pango said and it's what was meant by this post -- just waiting for the PS battle :)Krassy
- I stand correcteddocpoz
- eatsted
- morested
- bananassted
- omg-3
- really? melania doesn't know? i think the roll should be reversed. that way it would be convincingly funny.pango
- lol rolepango
- Of course Melana wouldn't know the smell - she visited her clients at their homes and cars.face_melter
- funny because melania was an escortscarabin_net
- trolli troll troll trollcapn_ron
- BusterBoy2
I love her even more!
- No preaching the word of the church of celebritism here pleaseset
- does she age, wowhelloeatbreathedrive
- where are her roller skates?PonyBoy
- GeorgesII-6
A liar, a sexist, and a criminal walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "welcome Senator Clinton, what are you having today?"
5 minutes later Donald Trump walks in. He leans over, and with a smile on his face says "the media are really tearing you apart for that Scandal."
Hillary: "You mean my lying about Benghazi?"
Trump: "No, the other one."Hillary: "You mean the massive voter fraud?"
Trump: "No, the other one."Hillary: "You mean the military not getting their votes counted?"
Trump: "No, the other one."Hillary: "Using my secret private server with classified material to Hide my Activities?"
Trump: "No, the other one."Hillary: "The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything Else?"
Trump: "No, the other one."Hillary: "Using the Clinton Foundation as a cover for tax evasion, Hiring Cronies, And taking bribes from foreign countries?
Trump: "No, the other one."Hillary: "You mean the drones being operated in our own country without The Benefit of the law?"
Trump: "No, the other one."Hillary: "Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million, and right afterward it Declared Bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?"
Trump: "No, the other one."Hillary: "You mean arming the Muslim Brotherhood and hiring them in the White House?"
Trump: "No, the other one."Hillary: "Whitewater, Watergate committee, Vince Foster, commodity Deals?"
Trump: "No the other one:"Hillary: "The IRS targeting conservatives?"
Trump: "No the other one:"Hillary: "Turning Libya into chaos?"
Trump: "No the other one:"Hillary: "Trashing Mubarak, one of our few Muslim friends?"
Trump: "No the other one:"Hillary: "Turning our backs on Israel?"
Trump: "No the other one:"Hillary: "The joke Iran Nuke deal? "
Trump: "No the other one:"Hillary: "Leaving Iraq in chaos? "
Trump: "No, the other one."Hillary: "The DOJ spying on the press?"
Trump: "No, the other one."Hillary: "You mean HHS Secretary Sibelius shaking down health insurance Executives?"
Trump: "No, the other one."Hillary: "Giving our cronies in SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 Months Later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?"
Trump: "No, the other one."Hillary: "The NSA monitoring citizens' ?"
Trump: "No, the other one."Hillary: "The State Department interfering with an Inspector General Investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?"
Trump: "No, the other one."Hillary: "Me, The IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?"
Trump: "No, the other one."Hillary: "Threats to all of Bill's former mistresses to keep them quiet"
Trump: "No, the other one."Hillary: "I give up! ... Oh wait, I think I've got it! When I stole the White House furniture, silverware and China when Bill left Office?"
Trump: "THAT'S IT! I almost forgot about that one".- You forgot ugly, lazy and disrespectful.
Shut up bitch! Go fix me a turkey pot pie._niko - What about you dad? Fuck you. No dad...cannonball1978
- #DentureDonaldGuyFawkes
- You forgot ugly, lazy and disrespectful.
- Gardener0
Two deer walk out of a gay bar and one says to the other,
"I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in there."
- drgs5
Dear facebook friends, concerning my dick pics being sent out to all of you...
My account was hacked!
Therefore no new pics will be sent out this week.
- autoflavour0
Last night I had a dream I was a muffler..
I woke up exhausted
- Gnash0
- Fuck, Bernie, get over it. You lost.zarb0z
- This is amazingautoflavour
- Gardener1
some of the best from The Fringe Festival
1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng
2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle
3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle
4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz
5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field
6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons
7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin
8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne
9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel
10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King
11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes
12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff
13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang
14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess
15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine
- The top joke from the Fringe would've been even funnier if the guys name was "Kerr Ching" not Ken Cheng. ;)microkorg