Quality jokes
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- uncle_helv0
These three guys needed to stay at a hotel. The lady at the desk said that there was only one room left. The men said they'd take it. One guy slept on the right, the second on the left, and the third in the middle. That night the three guys all woke up at the same time. The first guy on the right said, "I had a weird vivid dream that some one was pulling on my dick." The second guy said, "I had the same dream!" The third guy that slept in the middle said, "I had a dream that I was skiing!"
- nadnerb0
what's better than ten dead babies in a dumpster?
one dead baby in ten dumpsters
- rasko40
what has four legs and goes 'sshhhhhhhhhhhh'?
rod hull's TV
- uncle_helv0
A ugly bloke goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened to me last night. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, took her home and had sex with her over and over again,.
His friend replies, "That's great, did you get a blow job?"
Oh, no I never found her head.
- -scarabin-0
laughing at a racist joke doesn't make you racist
however, complaining about people laughing at a racist joke DOES make you a touchy, excitable little cunt.
- -scarabin-0
Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.
JazX
(Jan 27 06, 07:43)heh heh
- ********0
(((((((RING))))))
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
"Uh, okay then, ... this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down
on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to
Mommy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway""Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on
the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!""OH, NO. What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared
and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I
guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean
it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??... Is this 486-5731??
- Ramanisky20
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
She gagged
- nocomply0
how do you make a hamburger at the neverland ranch?
slide a 40 year old piece of meat between two 8 year old buns!
- Ramanisky20
A rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder
Bartender looks perplexed and says, "Where'd you get that"
the frog says,
"Brooklyn ... there's hundreds of 'em"
- ********0
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??... Is this 486-5731??
kOna
(Mar 2 06, 13:31)ROFL ROFL ROFL
best joke so far.
- Ramanisky20
Saul is working in his store when he hears GODs voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. GOD says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. GOD says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," GOD commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" says GOD. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one.
GOD goes: "un-fucking-believable!"
- ********0
How do you double the value of a Triumph vehicle?
Fill it up with gas!
- Ramanisky20
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
- ********0
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
- rizingdamp0
A guy is driving around York he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking
Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner (Jon!!!!) tells him the
dog
is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a
Rotweiller
sitting there."You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Rottie replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Rottie looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk
when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 about
my
gift and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured
a dog
would be eavesdropping.I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But
the
jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger,
so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to
do some
undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and
listening in.I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of
medals. I
got married, had a mess of puppies and now I'm just retired."The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks Jon what he wants for the
Rotweiller."Ten pounds," Jon says.
"Ten pounds? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?""Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh*t."
- ********0
GOD goes: "un-fucking-believab le!"
Ramanisky2
(Mar 3 06, 07:33)i don't get it?
- ********0
no wait, i do get it.
but the joke would be more effective in a movie or soemthing..
- ********0
A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"
Customer says, "Female"
Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
Customer says, "White"
Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up!
- ********0
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead Democrat in the road?
Vultures will eat the skunk.