Quality jokes
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- neenaw0
The gypsie moth can smell a female gypsie moth in heat from seven miles away.
That's still true if you remove the word moth.
- ********0
How do you get three queers on a stool?
Turn it over...
- 5timuli0
I've no idea how many times I've told this one on here but...
Two men were talking in a bar. The first man says "I'm having the best sex of my life right now, I've just started fucking these two twins!"
The second man says "Really? How can you tell them apart?"
The first man replies "Oh, her brother's got a moustache."
- daubet0
What do you call the loose flesh around a cunt?
A woman.
- uncle_helv0
Hahaha nice one 5timuli!
- n0rty10
How many kids with A.D.D does it take to change a lightbulb?
Wanna go for a bike ride?
- blaw0
Kris walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says, "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
- BuddhaHat0
This one is off here I think, but I was in tears after I read it the first time... enjoy...
A man walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waves the waiter over. "I want to see the cocksucking motherfucking boss now!".
Naturally the waiter is a bit taken aback and says:"Would you please refrain from using that kind of language in here sir. I'll get the manager as
soon as I can."When the manager comes over the bloke greets him with:" Are you the chicken f**king manager of this bastarding joint?"
"Yes sir I am but I would prefer it if you did not use that kind of language in this restaurant. There are respectable guests dining here."
The bloke retorts:"Screw you anus features. Where's the f**king piano?"
The manager is a bit puzzled and the asks the man to explain himself.
"You stupid smelly dickhead are you f**king deaf or what? Where's the t**t* piano?"
"Ah", says the manager, "you've come about the pianist job we advertised
in the paper."
"Too f**king right", came the reply.
The manager takes him over to the piano but begs him not to speak into the microphone. "Can you play any blues?"
The bloke starts to play the most beautiful blues ever heard. "That's superb", gasps the manager. "What's it called?"
"I want to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob-end"
The manager is a little perturbed. "Hmmm....well do you know any jazz?"
The man plays the most melancholy piece of jazz the manager has ever heard.
"What's it called?"
"I wanked over the washing machine but my b*ll*cks got caught in the powder drawer".
The manager is now a tad embarrassed. "Well do you know any romantic ballads?"
The bloke plays the most heart wrenching melody ever. "That was fantastic", crooned the manager. "What's that one called?", immediately
wishing that he hadn't asked.
"Shagging sheep under the stars with the moonlight shining on my hairy ring piece".
The manager finds the pianist's language totally repulsive but he is so
moved by his music that he hires him on condition that he never introduces
his songs. He agrees, and the arrangement goes swimmingly for a couple of weeks. Until one night when the pianist sneaks off for a w**k. He nips off to the staff toilets, grits his teeth and starts buffing his banana. Just as he is coming he hears the manager shouting "Where the f**k is that pianist".
So he whips up his trousers and returns to the piano and starts to play some more tunes.After a couple of minutes a woman approaches him and whispers: "Do you know your b*ll*cks and knob are hanging out of your trousers dribbling come all over your shoes?"
"Know it", replied the pianist, "I f**king wrote it!!"
- haile_unlikely0
Gary Glitter is apparently going into rehab next week ------>>>>
He's got a 12yr old crack addiction!
- BuddhaHat0
A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says to the koala "Hey! what are you doing?"
The koala says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.The little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
The koala looks down and says "Faaaaarrrrk dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"
- gabe0
A beautiful blonde woman boards a plane enroute to New York and sits down in first class.
The flight attendant comes over and tells the blonde woman her ticket is for coach and that she can't sit in first class. The blonde huffs and says "I'm a beautiful blonde woman on my way to New York to become a model, I can sit wherever I please..."
Puzzled, the flight attendant goes and gets the co-pilot. The co-pilot tells the beautiful blonde woman the same thing, and the blonde replies back "I'm a beautiful blonde on my way to New York to become a model, I can sit wherever I like..."
Not knowing what to say, the co-pilot goes to the pilot and explains the situation.
"I think I can handle this" says the pilot, "my wife is a beautiful blonde." So he walks over and sits down next to the beautiful blonde woman, leans over, and whispers something into her ear.
Without batting an eye the blonde woman politely gets up and takes her assigned seat in coach.
The flight attendant and co-pilot both ask inquisitively "what did you say to her to get her to move???"
The pilot replies, "I simply told her first class wasn't flying to New York"
- spongebob0
Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.
- ********0
Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.
- ********0
When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"
A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
- ********0
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
- spongebob0
What do you call a girl with one short leg?
Eileen
- ********0
A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.
Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
"I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.
"I'm the smarest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."
"You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack."
- ********0
Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.
- ********0
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
- ********0
SWEARING AT WORK
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b__ch.3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh__ing me!6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f____ing problem.8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ing h _ll didn't you tell me sooner?11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm on salary.15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.Thank You,
Human Resources