tell me jokes..
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- slappy0
a guy stops at his local pub on the way home from work. Watches some telly and sinks a couple of pints. His friends turn up and buy a few rounds. Some time later he falls off his chair and says "thats it lads time to go home."
He crawls out of the pub, across a park and down his street and eventually reaches his front door. He bangs on the door until his wife opens it and says:
"I think I'v had a few too many love"She replys: "no sh*t, you left your wheelchair at the pub..."
- oscargonewilde0
What did the mother buffalo say to her child when he went away to school?
Bison.
- oscargonewilde0
So this grasshopper hops into a bar and up onto a bar stool. This drunk guy next to him looks over and says "Hey, you know they named a drink after you?".
The grasshopper gets confused and says "Really? I can hardly see why they'd name a drink Bob."
- oscargonewilde0
See the happy idiot
he doesn't give a damn
I wish I were an idiot
my god, maybe I am.not really a joke but I always thought it was funny.
ok I'm done.
- bulletfactory0
what has 72 balls and screws old women?
BINGO
- typelab0
one man is on one side of the world walking a high wire. there is another man on the other side of world getting a blowjob from an 80-year-old woman. what were they both thinking?
don't look down.
- blaw0
George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."
George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "but you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"
- shaft0
A poor boy wrote a letter to Santa, asking him for legos, a laptop, a walkman and candies.
People at the post office opened the letter and they were touched by the poor boy's words so much that they decided to buy him legos, a walkman and candies.
Soon after x-mas a new letter from the boy comes, so the postal clerks gather to read it:
"Dear Santa,
Thank you so much for legos, walkman and candies, I knew you were real and would read my letter.
Too bad the laptop is missing in the package. The fuckers at the post office must've stolen it"
- Ramanisky20
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where
she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt
to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she
placed the items in
front of the cashier.While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the
drunk calmly stated," You must be single." The woman was a
bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since
she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the
belt and saw nothing
particularly unusual about her selections that could
have tipped off the
drunk to her marital status.Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well,
you know what, you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know
that?"The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
- blaw0
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.
She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber; He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Becky my darling," he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said, "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky... I... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, sweetheart," whispered Becky, "Let the poison work."
- ********0
A very handsome man visits a urologist, who happens to be a woman. The doctor falls instantly in love, and tells the patient to undress. After the patient has disrobed, the doctor starts fondling the patient's testicles. As she does this she says to the man, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," he says, "you're checking me for testicular cancer." "That's right," says the doctor. She then begins to rub his neck. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" she asks. "Yes," the man says, "you're checking my lymph nodes to see if they're swollen." "That's right," replies the doctor. She then climbs on top of his erect member and begins to have sex with him. She says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," he says. "You're getting herpes."
- ********0
A patient visited his urologist for testicular cancer and expressed concern about being able to perform after the operation. The patient was also worried about the chemotherapy. The doctor said "I too had testicular cancer a few years ago. Ten days after the operation I made passionate love with my wife, and forgot all my worries. Try it and see for yourself." Three weeks later the patient returns, and thanks the doctor effusively. The doctor says "I'm glad my advice helped." The patient thanks him again, and as he's leaving says "By the way, Doctor, you have a really beautiful house."
- ********0
lol shaft!!
- spongebob0
HAHAHAA
keep it comin' folks.
- scarabin0
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where
she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt
to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she
placed the items in
front of the cashier.While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the
drunk calmly stated," You must be single." The woman was a
bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since
she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the
belt and saw nothing
particularly unusual about her selections that could
have tipped off the
drunk to her marital status.Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well,
you know what, you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know
that?"The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
Ramanisky2
(Jul 27 05, 08:02)ha ha ha
- brandelec0
happy friday everyone
- ********0
- ********0
A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."
So they jump into the routine. The man grabs his daughter and reaches under her skirt and starts finger blasting her while she grabs her brother's penis from his pants and begins servicing him with her mouth. The mother goes out into the hallway and grabs a metal bucket and begins shitting into it. Now the night before she ate a lot of cabbage and took some laxatives so it's the Hershey squirts to the max. The man now pulls down his daughter's panties and stuffs them into her ass and begins to fuck her cunt. Her brother pulls his cock out of her mouth and walks over to his shitting mother and begins masturbating until he cums all over her face, she grabs his balls and just begins to squeeze.
The father now pulls the panties out of his daughter's ass, after reaming her vagina until she bled, and stuff's them into her tear covered face. He begins to ravage her asshole.
The mother stops shitting and she reaches into the bucket and smears shit all over her son's face with her free hand while she continues to crush his balls.The father fists his daughter while anally raping her. The son begins to slap his mother as hard as he can while calling her godless cunt rag. The man's daughter has passed out from bloodloss and sheer shock. The mother completely crushes her son's balls as he passes out. The man pulls his dick out of his daughter and flips her over and he masturbates all over her face.
He grabs some smelling salts and revives both his daughter and his son. He walks over to his wife and begins fucking her, choking her with his belt as she punches his ribs. The son seizing the opprotunity of having the brown shit smeared all over his face begins a black face routine. The daughter begins to fist her bleeding vagina. The son see's his sister and begins to fuck her in the ass while she continues to fist herself.
The man's wife has turned blue and passed out, he continues to fuck her proclaiming how he wishes she were dead so her cunt would be nice and cold. He drops her on the floor and shits and pisses all over her. The brother is pulling his sister's hair and spanks her ass raw while she screams for mercy.
He pulls out and leaves to go to the Hallway only to return with a burlap sack. He opens the burlap sack and pushes out an eighty year old Auschwitz survivor with a ball gag and leather panties. The father and brother don Nazi attire and begin masturbating furiously onto him while the daughter beats him with a horse whip. Covered in cum the eighty year old's heart fails. The father begins to ass rape him while the brother sticks his cock into his cold mouth, so they have him skewered like a pig on a spit. Both the father and the brother cum all over him. The father then walks over to the talent agent's desk covered in his own shit and piss and asks "may I borrow your telephone sir?"
"Why of course," replies the talent agent.
He rips the phone out of the wall and walks over to his son and punches him right in the mouth with it, knocking the boy's teeth everywhere, and he begins to face fuck him. The boy chokes to death on his father's dick. The father and the sister walk over to the passed out mother and the daughter goes down on her while the father rapes his daughter's bleeding ass. The wife comes to and grabs her daughter's hair and shoves her face deeper into her vagina and until she can't breathe and smother's her to death. Her husband pulls his dick out of the dead daughter flips her over and cums all over her chest. His wife gets up and starts sucking his dick while fisting him in the ass. She bites his dick off, pulls it out of her mouth and shoves it down his throat and he asphyxiates on his own dick. She stands up and takes a bow as the clock strikes seven.
For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"
And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"
- ********0
I don't take responsibility for the above--it was cut and pasted from a website publishing variations of the aristocrats joke
- ********0
that is very well done, Rand.
Although i must say i was hoping for some vomit swapping action..
oh well.