tell me jokes..
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- mcposeidon0
The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself.
The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you.
I must inform you that the place is filling up fast,
and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone.
The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter.
I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams.
Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forest.
But, the test I have for you is only three questions.
Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?
Second, how many seconds are there in a year?
Third, what is God's name?"Forest goes away to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
Saint Peter waves him up and asks,
"Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."Forest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?
Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow!"The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims,
"Forest! That's not what I was thinking, but... you do have a point though,
and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer.""How about the next one" says Saint Peter, "how many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forest.
"But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve!
Forest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"Forest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve:
January second, February second, March second... ""Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it.
And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.
I'll give you credit for that one too.""Let's go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter,
"Can you tell me God's name?"Forest says, "Well shore, I know God's name.
Everbody probly know it. It's Andy Howard.""Andy Howard?" asks Saint Peter.
"What makes you think it's 'Andy Howard'?"Forest answers, "It's in the song and the prayer."
"The song and the prayer?" asks Saint Peter,
"Which song and prayer?""Andy's song", responds Forest,
"Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me... ",
and The Lord's Prayer," responds Forest:
"Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name..."
- blaw0
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel shoved down his pants. The bartender does a double take upon seeing this and asks the pirate about it.
"Uh, why do you have a steering wheel in your pants? Doesn't it bother you?"
"Arr! It's driving me nuts!"
- jdcomba0
well i just took 10 minutes typing out this really long joke, then re read it and decided it was really racist. so shit. that's all.
- ********0
How did the blond explain how his helicopter crashed?
He said it was getting cold, so he turned off the ceiling fan.
- ********0
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawnmower?
The green WELCOME mat is ripped all to shreds.
- ********0
How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?
It is the one with the kickstand.
- ********0
Where do you look for blonds' obituaries?
Under "Home Improvements."
- blaw0
President Bush was visiting a primary school and dropped in on one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the great leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
"Well," said Little Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident, either."
- blaw0
Recently, George Bush was asked to reiterate his position on Roe versus Wade.
He responded that he didn't really care how people got out of New Orleans.
- ********0
NUT-FUCK WALKS INTO A BAR. THE BARTENDER SAYS "DO YOU KNOW YOU HAVE METRIC SYSTEM-LIKE ANGST IN YOUR NEUTRONIUM?" "YEAH," NUT-FUCK SAYS, "IT FLAYED MY RAZORBLADE! "
--KING ROBUST SPERM (1875 CE)
- ********0
THE FDA IS CONSIDERING ADDITIONAL WARNINGS ON PACKAGES OF REVEREND FALSE CORN-HUSK SUCH AS:
WARNING: REVEREND FALSE CORN-HUSK IS UNSANITARY AND PERISHING.
WARNING: REVEREND FALSE CORN-HUSK WILL GIVE YOU ANOTHER OFTEN!
WARNING: REVEREND FALSE CORN-HUSK MAY CAUSE AFOIVU'S EIGHT VAGRENTS TO HARDLY EVEN BOTHER.
WARNING: LACTATE AND ROUND OFF IT.--PRINCE GERMAN AXOLTLE (1983 CE)
- ********0
Q: WHAT'S WAVY?
A: A ATAVISTIC MISTER GREEN GOO.
Q: WHAT'S REALLY WAVY?
A: A ATAVISTIC MISTER GREEN GOO OVER SIR SWATH.
--REVEREND SWELL INFLUENCE (250 CE)
- gruntt0
kona brings back the 3 martini lunch.
- ********0
*urp
- bulletfactory0
kona brings back the 3 martini lunch.
gruntt
(Sep 20 05, 11:13)
++++++++++++++++++++
with a crack chaser
:)
- blaw0
kona brings back the 3 martini lunch.
gruntt
(Sep 20 05, 11:13)----
hahahahaha...!
- version30
What do nicks ntpe print and girlfriend have in common?
They never come.
:)
- blaw0
So Donald Rumsfeld tells Bush at the morning briefing, "Bad news from the coalition. We lost 3 Brazilian soldiers."
Bush breaks down crying. "That's horrible. What a tragedy."
Eventually he composes himself and asks Condi, "How many is in a brazillion?"
- rockonski0
haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...