QBN fiction
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- jon_d0
Freddie started haunting Jason's dreams.
Jason could not live in peace.
- honest0
there was a sudden knock on the door
- jon_d0
Jason wakes up.
"Fuck Freddie."
He walks to the door and looks through the peephole.
Noone is there.KNOCK KNOCK.
He looks again.
- vaxorcist0
Jason's cruising down the motorway in his bitchin' beamer one day while messing with his iPod to find the right part of some motivational speach when he looks up too late and...wow, it's a purple lamborghini....very, close... very, very,very close....
crash....
.. amid the sounds of screaching tires and crunching metal and plastic, he hears the agonized voice of a guy he remembers from somewhere....
Jason gets out of his car and steps carefully around the shards of glass, lest he ruin his $300 loafers, and he notices the diver of the car he it... it's none other than the rich dude his sister's trying not to date.... she said he was "the most annoying scientologist weirdo ever" but he's a bg-time agent, and Jason just realized he can save the guys life, and./or at least his sanity from the papparazzi who are gathering quickly....
Jason thinks fast and grabs his always-present-in-a pocket hockey mask, placing it over the big-time hollywood agents face, and starts poking holes in the airbags so they would deflate...
he pulls the guy aside and they get into the beamer and have a conversation.....
- cannonball19780
Taking advantage of QBN's plot line ADD, Cannonball1978 sets off fireworks around the perimeter of the room. As the others scramble to grasp the sodded end of the direction this story was going in, he plucks their wallets one by one and makes off down the road, whistling a strange tune, stopping briefly to get a salted pretzel from a street vendor.
- vaxorcist0
. amid the paparrrazi flashes going off and the sounds of helicopters and ambulances.... Jason starts telling the big-time agent about his ideas for a movie..
"It'll be like the Big Lebowski meets Fright Night!"
.... or even better....
"It'll be like Scary Movie 3 meets Jean-Luc Godard!"
"or maybe like ..uh..."
"Happy Feet meets the Silence of the Lambs"
The big-time agent, still wearing the hockey mask, sits there and makes a few groaning sounds...then reaches for his iPhone and starts texting somebody....
Jason looks down and sees the text... it says;
"The Fourth Invaders from Mars have finally captured me, please send help!"
- ukit0
All of a sudden, the picture on the screen begins to warp and goes slightly off-color.
Drud slaps the viewing device with his tentacle-fist a couple times and it whirs back to life.
- loool0
Is Tony dead yet?
- jon_d0
The scene switches again, it's a talentless film producer. He is reading QBN again looking for a spark to his imagination.
"These ideas are genius. This is going to make me rich."
16 months later, after his film career has crashed and burned he thinks to himself. "Maybe that QBN fiction thread wasn't so genius."
He begins to deliver his 8th pizza of the day, whistling to himself.
- ukit0
Meanwhile, hovering approximately 100,000,000,000 feet above the Earth, God confronts the conundrum of how a character who has been reading the QBN Fiction thread can also be a part of it.
"The existential contradictions and narrative discontinuity are simply unacceptable." God pulls out a Walther P99 from his robes, inserts the barrel in his mouth and squeezes the trigger.
Approximately 100,000,000,000 feet below, bits of God-brain rain on the talentless film producer's pizza.
- vaxorcist0
Meanwhile back at the ranch house where the talentless film producer delivers the pizza the door is answered by the ghost of hunter s thompson inhabiting the body of cannonball1978 .... he hands the delivery guy a $50 and a rolled up notr
- ukit0
Talentless film producer stuffs the fifty in his pocket and unrolls the note.
It reads: "Look the fuck out."
Talentless film dude looks up with a blank stare and blinks once.
Suddenly out of nowhere zombie Tony leaps into view, emitting a blood curdling snarl. A combination of blood, spittle and feces fly from his rotting corpse mouth.
To everyone's surprise however, Tony doesn't attack either Hunter Thompson/ Cannonball or the talentless film guy but instead opens the box of pizza and takes a bite.
"Nom nom nom."
- ukit0
Meanwhile, ABC’s All My Children’ ended its 41-year television run.
- ukit0
Now endowed with Godlike powers from munching on the pizza, zombie-Tony begins organizing a campaign to conquer the world as we know it. With no more "All My Children" to serve as a distraction, Tony is easily able to amass an undead army millions strong.
The only thing standing in the way: an aging, arthritic Bruce Willis.
- jon_d0
The throng of Zombies approached Willis.
"Today is as good a day to die as any." Bruce murmured.
Zombie Ashton approached first, Willis decapitates him with a forearm shiver.
"Sorry Ashton."
Willis grabs Kucher by the ankles and proceeds to create a tornado of offense not unlike Street Fighter's Zangief.
"Ugghhhhh!!"Zombie parts flew everywhere and for 5 minutes Willis was in control.
But it was too much to overcome. Out of the pit emerged Zombie willis.
"MTV awarrrdddsss." uttered Zombie Bruce Willis.
Was all hope lost?
Is this the end of civilization as we know it?
"Not so freakin' fast."
It was Bill Murray.
"You must defeat Sheng Long to stand a chance."
"And I wooped Sheng Long's ass.""Haaa- doouuuuu- keNNNNN!!!"
A huge fireball formed from Murray's hands destroying all of the Zombies in his path."That's right you ugly son-of-a-bitches."
- cannonball19780
Id read more of these if they followed some semblance of order with each other.
- jon_d0
Bill Murray shoots cannonball1978 in the face.
- cannonball19780
... with an m16 that shoots $100 dollar bills.
- jon_d0
...thats what cannonball dreamed about as his head disintegrated into dust.
- honest0
cannonball1978's will was too strong to be destroyed at this point and a few tiny cells escaped and floated in the air to be breathed-in by...