Turns out I'm dating a Pro...

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  • catpower

    A few months before the pandemic, I got divorced. On the one hand, it was sad, of course. On the other, the opportunity to canoodle with some runaways with questionable morals made losing half my shit much more palatable. At least in theory.

    I was drowning my sorrows in an endless sea of "swipe rights." The Hugh Heffner adolescent appeal wore very thin very quickly, though. I learned that I don't have the energy or mentality for rampant promiscuity. With every encounter, I could hear my d*ck whisper, "I'm too old for this shit." Truer words.

    I found myself being drawn to a new woman every day while having breakups with another at the same time. To put it in industry terms, my life became an endless series of onboardings and postmortems, all happening concurrently. Fucking exhausting. And so much drama.

    As COVID hit, I took the time to reevaluate. I could feel my soul dying. To be as cliche as possible, I moved to a cabin, transitioned to 100% freelance, and contemplated shifting industries entirely. As it turns out, homesteading is pretty hard, goats are assholes, and design is a lovely industry.

    As the world opened back up, I returned from my breakdown in the woods with a newfound purpose and started to reconnect with society. I deleted Tinder. You should, too, probably. So one night, I was out at a bar, and this cute girl sat down beside me. No app. No bs. Just a real connection. I bought her a drink, and we started hanging out nonstop from there.

    She's a grad student, super funny, and intelligent. We hit it off instantly. As our relationship progressed and we slept together, that's when I spotted my first flag. She was good. Too good. Her "moves" were perfect, BUT I could also feel a distance emerge. The vibrant person I had known all of a sudden felt hollow. I felt like I was f*cking a super hot cyborg that was short-circuiting in an ocean of daddy issues. It was a bizarre sensation. She's gorgeous, knows what she's doing, is filthy in the best ways, but it did nothing for me.

    My junk is nothing if not persistent. Over time, we started to connect; the layers began to melt away. I'll leave some details in the interest of keeping this a PG thread, but suffice to say that things kept escalating absurdly over time. "Normal relations" faded away as increasingly crazy shit became the norm. Red flags. So many red flags. And boners. Also boners.

    Cut to the New Year. She invited me to her graduate thesis, a performance piece about her life. I wanted to support her, so of course, I went. The opening line: "This is a story about trauma... and my life as an escort."

    What. The. Fuck. She never brought this shit up, but suddenly everything made sense. I had to sit through two hours of her talking about the most ridiculous scenarios you've ever heard in your life. The second act started with "The only thing that turns me on anymore is violence," followed by the finale where she essentially pantomimed a group activity. What. The. Fuck.

    After the show, her classmates showered her with praise. "Oh girl, you're so brave... so empowering... an inspiration... " Meanwhile, I'm at a total loss for words (and running out of ways to hide my shame boner).

    "What'd ya think?" she said, as she kissed me on the cheek, as though she had just finished singing in a community production of "Fiddler on the Roof" or some shit. "What do I think?! You've inspired me... to get tested right the fuck now."

    We had this massive blowup, as you might imagine. Over the course of several days, she explained where she was coming from, how she got into this, how she used it to pay for college, how she wants to be with me etc. I get it, but it's so fucked up. The crazy thing is that the more we talk, the closer we get. Not good.

    As it stands right now, we're "on a break," though she calls me every day. Everything in my head knows the correct answer, of course. "Profession" aside, this chick kept this from me for months. That alone is grounds for a ghosting. But my junk is nothing if not persistent. Questions. So many questions. And boners. Also boners.

    Happy New Year.

  • Chimp1

    You need to write a book about this.

  • palimpsest2

    "If you haven't eaten ass and had your ass eaten you haven't lived."
    - palimpsest

  • lajj-1

    It sounds a bit like that movie The Shape of Things, but with more boners and a semi happy ending

  • _niko3

    ahem...pics or....

  • _niko5

    What a story, I say who gives a shit, enjoy the ride while you can, life's way too short and she sounds like a blast! I mean as long as she's still not escorting.

  • palimpsest0

    • Maybe this story should be a music video after all. Who's your spirit rapper? Mine is Bizmarkie.CyBrainX
    • Would love to see it as a music video.
      Mine is Danny Brown.
      palimpsest
  • Fax_Benson4

  • oey_oey2

    I don't understand, is there a problem?
    If so, why?

    • Oh man... freshly diagnosed with Covid tonight. I needed this laugh.mg33
  • oey_oey4

    I think you might have issues.

  • CyBrainX0

    I'm only half way through this Homeric epic and I'm already blown away. (no pun intended). I can't wait for this to come to Netflix as a series.

  • cherub0

    I was giddy until I read the last two paragraphs, which were a disappointment.

    It's just our nature as men to always react like that when finding out our significant other had sex *gasp* with other men. A number of men, in fact.

    I probably would have reacted the same way.

    • She put it on the blockchain.palimpsest
    • I hear that and kind of agree. The main issue wasn't the "seqs"... it was the secrecy.catpower
    • Each partner needs to know the "risk profile" for diseases etc. I felt mislead. That's the issue. I miraculously made it out unscathed, but trust is broken.catpower
    • I hear you. It's not nothing. But I've tried to not react like that myself and couldn't overpower the "damn why didn't you tell me"cherub
    • I get that. She could have put off telling you about it for a while but she should have given you a head's up before the show.palimpsest
    • I'm just thankful to all the girls i knew and were open enough with me about these things so i never felt insecure or unsafe about any type of sex.sted
    • and I hope she fucked a few girls too.sted
  • nb2

    Username checks out

  • sted1

    "Both primary and secondary syphilis symptoms can present on the face," explains Dr. Samuel Malloy, general practitioner at Dr. Felix. "The sores of primary syphilis are most likely to appear on the face if you have had oral sex with a syphilis-infected person. This is because the sores usually occur at the site of the infection. But secondary syphilis symptoms can appear on the face from other forms of sexual contact and congenital syphilis as the syphilis has entered the body, and the rash is the body's response to the infection."

    "The location of the herpes sores are usually related to the site of the infection," explains Malloy. "However, once infected with the herpes virus, you will usually experience several outbreaks. These outbreaks may cause sores in different areas and you can spread the infection to different areas of your body through touching the sores and then other areas." If you're experiencing an outbreak, it's best to wash your hands after coming in contact with the sores to keep it from spreading to other regions of your body.

    Not-so-fun fact: Chlamydia can actually end up causing pink eye. "Chlamydia can affect the eyes, which usually happens if any sexual fluids enter the eye, either through ejaculation, or if you have some fluids on your hand and then you touch the eye," notes Malloy. "This can cause conjunctivitis, also known as pink eye. If you have contracted chlamydia through oral sex, you may experience chlamydia symptoms in and around the mouth."

  • DRIFTMONKEY1

    "Diddler on the Roof"

  • Ianbolton1

    Surely you see the point of her inviting you to her show? Trauma melts your brain, so you have to build some kind of structure in there to deal with shit. Shame she couldn't tell you, but there's a whole level of chaos she's trying to deal with too. Shame and guilt and whatnot, but if you can be the calm, then maybe you could get the excitement you dream of, and she can get the calmness and security she obviously desires.

    How old are you both? You sounds about 50 and she sounds about 25. ;-)

    • Great story btw. I read it and could almost feel your stress.Ianbolton
    • The bigger question is, will she care for you if you got eg parkinson's at age 65. Will she be there for the decade of decline, or will she bail?shapesalad
    • You're absolutely right. I'm pushing 50 (though skew younger) and she's late 20s. Wasn't the plan, but here we are.catpower
    • Impressive powers of deduction, Ian!BuddhaHat
    • At least you know your piece works when the life starts flowing through it again.Ianbolton
  • pr20

    Please God, let this story be true.

    • yes without pics we need a 3rd party to confirmsted
  • utopian0

    Covid Boners Away!

  • utopian0

    Epic first post.

  • nb3


    Or you could choose to be happy about all the money you’ve saved.

  • nb1

    89% liked this.

    In this modern update on Cinderella, a prostitute and a wealthy businessman fall hard for one another, forming an unlikely pair. While on a business trip in L.A., Edward, who makes a living buying and breaking up companies, picks up a hooker, Vivian, on a lark. After Edward hires Vivian to stay with him for the weekend, the two get closer, only to discover there are significant hurdles to overcome as they try to bridge the gap between their very different worlds.