Your "Top This" Story?
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- dito0
I met Chuck Norris. He was promoting his movie Sidekicks.
- boobs0
I spent a week unconscious in the hospital with septic shock!
- slappy0
I'm shit at telling stories but fuck it.
Back in 1998 I woke up one morning by a impatient knock at the door. When I opened it there were 2 cops and two dudes in suits who presented me with a search warrant.
They then proceeded to turn the house upside down and they took my housemate Ambers laptop and financial records (and nearly my lime green imac).
While searching her room they uncovered her stash of french porno vids. They didnt tell me, they just neatly left them all in a line on her bed.
After they left, I poked my head in to her room to scope the damage and saw the vids so I grabbed one and put it on in the lounge. My other housemate Jo came home and she asked me about the porno so I filled her in on the details and we watched and smoked cigs until Amber came home.
Then Amber comes home and freaks out over the porno and calls me out for going in her room. Then I got to spit out the line I had been rehearsing in my head for the last hour.
"I didnt go into your room, the fraud squad did, your under investigation."
It was pretty great, she totally lost her shit.
Turned out for the best in the end, she was innocent then sued her company and got a 40k payout. Living with two chicks was fun.
- Projectile0
My mom saved the Bushmen
(enter disclaimer about lack of factual backup and accuracy and writing style)
She was an Ethnomusicologist (tribal music) and teacher. She discovered that the Bushmen of Southern Africa, who it was LEGAL TO SHOOT LIKE A JACKAL until only a few decades ago, had no land and were basically living in a small settlement on the side of the road that some farmer had let them stay on. It was nothing but sand and one small bush. They were either moving to the city and never seen again or dying early of general shitty health.
They are hunter-gatherers, like American Indians, so never fought for any king of territory, which is why this all came about. Eventually all the land was taken so instead of buck, there were goats and sheep. But if they killed your sheep or even got onto your land, you could shoot them. They were not classed as humans!
So she campaigned to get them some land. Got in touch with lawyers and other people. Got in touch with the government, got in touch with the media, went through all the channels and began a 13-year campaign.
I've had them staying in my house (you have NO idea how much a small tribe of people can smell), I've lived with them, learned from them and taught them.
In the end, the campaign was succcessful and the govt. granded them a few hundred thousand hectares of land to llive on as hunter-gatherers. They had to give some to others who basically has bushman blood but couldn't even speak the language.. but they are now able to live as bushmen now.
Needless to say they don't run around in leather loin cloths all day and buy food from shops a lot etc.. but they are keeping the culture alive and well and that's what matters. The language, the stories and songs. They are the only truly indigenous people of southern africa left. The black people you see in the south- Xhosas, Zulus etc- have all come down from central Africa over the last few centuries.
As for me.. I've blazed with them, entered a trance dance with them, hunted with them, played with them as a kid and lived among them countless times.
I found a reference:
http://www.khoisanpeoples.org/ne…Toward the end of the page, the last bit..
World is shrinking for Kalahari nomadsShe's in the second pic. And this was written before the end of the campaign.
Top that.
- Peter0
Some in no particular order...
- Elementary school teacher stabbed down, by a friend, on lunch break.
- I've run into quicksand in Africa and survived
- Drugged, bitten numerously (!) and left in middle of street
- Fought the law and won
- Caught boss doing secretary. In our kitchen.- what'd the boss do?scarabin
- did you grow up in jail?georgesIII
- S, seems the "the" before secretary ran away.Peter
- G3, see 4thPeter
- bulletfactory0
i had ten wisdom teeth.
- CALLES0
i have too many... top that!
- Kidswift0
- Lit protected botanical gardens on fire (totally by mistake) we were actually trying to scare tourists by firing fireworks at them from a sling shot.
-Was offered a job by the Thai Mafia (I politely declined, they had killed three tourists on that island already that year)
- Was in near plane crash over the Bermuda triangle, we lost pressure and had to drop thousands of feet in seconds
- Hmm hardly epic things really I think I should hang out with some of the gang on here
- autoflavour0
I accidentally drank milk that was long out of date..
it was a close call, but i lived to tell the talecase closed
- autoflavour0
I used a public toilet once and forgot to check if there was toilet paper.. good thing i had tissues in my bag.
woah.. i cant believe my luck
- autoflavour0
I once caught a plane and Whoopi Goldberg was sitting in Business class..
- autoflavour0
the previous tenants of the flat we are living in used it for a commercial scale weed grow room.. not only that, when we had a quick look while the hausmeister was cleaning up after the cops came, he gave me 4grams of the weed he found on the floor..
it was lovely
- ********0
re: autoflavor
I once drank a beer can that had been used as an ashtray... ran to the kitchen and opened the fridge... grabbed the first thing I saw to was my mouth out... milk... which was completely off.
Double whamy!
Top that
- Ha, god hates you.lnu
- you probably deserved itmonospaced
- Hi monospaced!********
- Inu, it's cool... I hate god right back.********
- only topped if you had swallowed..autoflavour
- NonEntity0
^
Reminds me of true story of woman in the Middle Ages who survived the Black Death in some isolated village in England somewhere.When she came to, after days of pain and pustules and copious constant sweating and hallucinations, she was in serious need of something to drink. Went to the kitchen and grabbed a large jug of water that was resting on the table. Drank the whole lot.
Then realized it was pig fat.
But hey she survived — one of the very few that had some kind of immunity to the Plague, kind of like the very few who have innate immunity to HIV/Aids.
- no one mistakes pig fat for water. oh, and a true story from the middle ages? loffleephix
- Take it up with the BBC who made the doc, man. What do I know! It was a pretty serious prog, person was still halucinating presumably.NonEntity
- hallucinating (presumably)NonEntity
- Not really an addition to 'top that', just story above reminded me of it
:)NonEntity - fair enough. just sounds ridiculous.ephix
- Yup — u'd think that wd kill her instead! Villagers thought that was therefore what saved her, but docs now think it likely to be genetic etcNonEntity
- genetic etcNonEntity
- science is so boring********
- Yah... What happened to the romance??NonEntity
- fooler20
cool super model story: I was eating at Indochine NYC and Cindy Crawford was sitting at the table next to us. I excused myself to use the bathroom and when I returned my friends friend had arrived and had stolen my seat closest to Cindy. As I was walking back cursing his name under my breath the waiter was approaching our table and tripped and spilled hot food and drinks all over the guy that stole my seat. The noise of the crash and guy made such a scene yelling at the waiter that everyone in the restaurant was staring at our table. That's when I walked up stood right next to Cindy Crawford and said "Well I'm glad I wasn't sitting there anymore" and she busted out laughing.
Near death experience: Hit by 3 cars on my road bike, broke legs, pelvis, spleen and collapsed lung wearing no helmet. Almost bleed to death on the scene. Spent almost a year in and out of hospitals and in rehab and now you can barley tell and live an active life style.
Plus I got an awesome annuity out of the settlement so I don't have to worry about retirement.- 1st on is nice. 2nd is really nice.kgvs72
- 2nd one, maybe dumb q but would you rather have clean health than awesome annuity?
stoplying - stoplying, I'm healthier than most people, I jog, snowboard, mt bike, walk without a limp, I would have rather not gone through it yes but I get my mortgage paid every month by the asshole who hit me.fooler2
- through it yes but I get my mortgage paid every month by the asshole who hit me.fooler2
- ridg00260
two years ago I was at a bar on halloween. Ended up hitting it off with a chick dressed as a slutty cab driver (go figure). Took her home, few glasses of wine and it was on. Round about 4am i feel her kicking me, my first thought was that she was just having some kind of weird dream, upon waking up further, she's seizing uncontrollably. I had NO idea what to do. Eventually she stopped and she was still breathing so I was relieved to have convinced myself that I wasnt going to jail. Woke up around 7am to find out that during said seizure, she pissed the bed, blew bloody snot all over my white sheets and pillows and had vomited on the floor on her side of the bed. When I saw her off not long after, after asking her if she was okay to drive, I hung out long enough to see her rear end a school bus. I wish to christ i was making this up...it seriously kind of fucked me up for a while. post script -- noone was hurt in the bus colliision and I never spoke to her again.
- ********0
Gus from eastenders came to one of my barbecues once.
True story.
- linearch0
bunch of buddies and i ate mushrooms and decided to go cliff jumping (in vermont....during college....a while ago...when i was stupider than now). we were all freaking out at the 60ft drop. my buddy jon said fuck it.....ran, jumped, hit the water....and instantly we all knew something was wrong.....it was only 6ft deep and he had broken his back.....we all started loosing our shit on the mushrooms......i down climbed the cliff and got jon to shore.....basically held him floating....while others sprinted to the car to call the ambulance......was one of the most awful experiences of my life, let alone jon's.....thank goodness....he is fine today. there are many many sub stories in this story that i can't type out right now.....but involve tripping in the speeding ambulance...sirens / colors / trying to calm my bro.......eesh....makes my skin crawl to think about it.
- ********0
nearly cut my finger off on strong acid, spent many hours in goverment hospital and had to go back to surgery in the morning
took of a portion of my face holding onto car drunk with skateboard. was found lying in the road clutching the board
had an opium fueled threesome with 2 pretty damn hot girls, more so the one
did a firefighting course and crawled thru burning buildings
ok im getting too nostalgic