Need jokes
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- ********0
To Women everywhere, from the Men who have had enough!
1. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
2. And when we're going out, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. Just fine. The first thing you put on. Truly. Now let's get going.
3. Crying is blackmail.
4. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it, that's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
5. We don't know what day it is, and never will. Write all birthdays, anniversaries and other special occasions in bright red on the calendar.
6. Just come out and ask for what you want. Let's be absolutely clear on this point: Subtle hints don't work, strong hints don't work, really obvious hints don't work. If you're really serious about it, just come right out and ask us.
7. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument and all comments become null and void after 7 days.
8. You can either tell us to do something -or-tell us how to do something, but not both.
9. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
10. All men see in about 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color. And life is easier if you bunch all those "eggshell" colors into "pretty much
white."
- digitalswarm0
what do you call a hooker with no legs?
A night crawler.
mangosnot
(Apr 25 05, 11:35)stop it dude. U r banned from making jokes again in public.
cosmo
(Apr 25 05, 11:38)wtf is offensive about that joke?
vburo
(Apr 25 05, 12:02)Yeah!
- ********0
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
- gruntt0
one hunderd
- ********0
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...what?
A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
- -_MU_-0
what do you call a hooker with no legs?
A night crawler.
mangosnot
(Apr 25 05, 11:35)stop it dude. U r banned from making jokes again in public.
cosmo
(Apr 25 05, 11:38)wtf is offensive about that joke?
vburo
(Apr 25 05, 12:02)Yeah!
digitalswarm
(Apr 25 05, 12:06)I think Cosmo was on about quality over taste - i thought it was ok.
- ********0
wtf is offensive about that joke?
-------------------- --------Tha's what I'M saying!
mangosnot
(Apr 25 05, 12:04)you're golden in my book homeslice
- ********0
If thats the case cosmo, you for sure don't want to read my hobo head cuttoff joke
- mangosnot0
A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
JazX
(Apr 25 05, 12:09)
----------------------------
Awesome.
- ********0
Two hobo's met on the tracks...
Hobo 1: Ive had a great day...i found $20 on the tracks and have been drunk all day!
Hobo 2: Wow that is great, mine has been pretty good too...
Hobo 1: What happened?
Hobo 2: I was walking down the tracks when i found a beatiful woman tied to the tracks..i untied her and we had wild sex all day!
Hobo 1: Wow...did she give good head?
Hobo2: head? i couldnt find her head...
- cosmo0
it was a quality ppl, now u r open to stone if u want.
- ********0
Most students entering college this fall were born in 1984.
1. A Southerner has always been President of the United States.
2. Richard Burton, Ricky Nelson and Truman Capote have always been dead.
3. South Africa's official policy of apartheid has not existed during their lifetime.
4. Cars have always had eye-level rear stop lights, CD players, and air bags.
5. We have always been able to choose our long distance carriers.
6. Weather reports have always been available 24-hours a day on television.
7. The "evil empire" has moved from Moscow to a setting in some distant galaxy.
8. "Big Brother" is merely a television show.
9. Cyberspace has always existed.
10. Bruce Springsteen's new hit, Born in the USA, could have been played to celebrate their birth.
11. Barbie has always had a job.
12. Telephone bills have always been totally incomprehensible.
13. Prom dresses have always come in basic black.
14. A "Hair Band" is some sort of fashion accessory.
15. George Foreman has always been a barbecue grill salesman
16. Afghanistan has always been a front page story.
17. There has always been an heir to the heir to the British throne.
18. They have no recollection of Connie Chung or Geraldo Rivera as serious journalists.
19. Peter Jennings, Dan Rather, and Tom Brokaw have always anchored the evening news.
20. China has always been a market-based reforming regime.
21. The United States has always been trying to put nuclear waste in Nevada.
22. The U.S. and the Soviets have always been partners in space.
23. Mrs. Fields' cookies and Swatch watches have always been favorites.
24. Nicholas Cage, Daryll Hannah, Eddie Murphy, and John Malkovich made their first major film impressions the year they were born.
25. The GM Saturn has always been on the road.
26. The "Fab Four" are not a male rock group, but four women enjoying "Sex and the City."
27. Fox has always been a television network choice.
28. Males do not carry a handkerchief in a back pocket.
29. This generation has never wanted to "be a Pepper too."
30. Ozzy's lifestyle has nothing to do with the Nelson family.
31. Women have always had tattoos.
32. Vanessa Williams and Madonna are aging singers.
33. Perrier has always come in flavors.
34. Cherry Coke has always come in cans.
35. A "hotline" is a consumer service rather than a phone used to avoid accidental nuclear war.
36. The drug "ecstasy" has always been around.
37. Genetic testing and DNA screening have always been available.
38. Electronic filing of federal income taxes has always been an option.
39. Magnetic Resonance Imaging (MRI) has always been available to doctors.
40. Trivial Pursuit may have been played by their parents the night before they were born.
41. The U.S. has always maintained that it has a "clear right to use force against terrorism."
42. The drinking age has always been 21 throughout the country.
43. Women have always been members of the Jaycees.
45. Julian Lennon had his only hit the year they were born.
46. Sylvan Learning Centers have always been an after-school option.
47. Hip-hop and rap have always been popular musical forms.
48. They grew up in minivans.
49. Scientists have always recognized the impact of acid rain.
50. The Coen Brothers have always been making films.
- cosmo0
hahah jazx that was a good one. I liked that.
- mangosnot0
word!
- blaw0
what is a yankee?
the same as a quickie, but you can do it alone.
- Jaline0
1986, you mean! or 1987.
and I know! I can't believe that cyberspace only starting existing around 15 - 20 yrs ago. weird.
- bulletfactory0
If thats the case cosmo, you for sure don't want to read my hobo head cuttoff joke
JazX
(Apr 25 05, 12:11)
++++++++++++++++++++++++ha ha! I remember that one.
- ********0
A language instructor explained to her class that French common nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as either masculine or feminine. For example, house is feminine -- "la" maison. In English, of course, objects (with a few exceptions like a nation or a ship are referred to as feminine) are of neutral gender.
One puzzled student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher being uncertain divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Group 1 was comprised of all the men in the class, group 2 composed of the women.
The men decided computers should be referred to as feminine because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.
The women, however, concluded that computers should be referred to as masculine because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
- ********0
If thats the case cosmo, you for sure don't want to read my hobo head cuttoff joke
JazX
(Apr 25 05, 12:11)
++++++++++++++++++++ ++++ha ha! I remember that one.
bulletfactory
(Apr 25 05, 12:16)yeah repost, but that was a long time go
- Jaline0
nice computer joke, JazX.