Joke of the Day
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- Projectile3
yo momma so fat, when she fell down the stairs I thought Eastenders had finished!
Sorry to non UK people who will never get that
- lolset
- Riccckkkyyyynecromation
- LOLMrT
- hahaha - had to explain that to half my room!mugwart
- drgs6
- rzu-rzu4
A bus stops, and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," sputters the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public."
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin abouta sexa? I'ma justa tellun my frienda how to spella Mississippi."
- M-i-crooked letter-crooked letter-i-crooked letter-crooked letter-i-humpback-hu...palimpsest
- I read this in Jar Jar Binks voice. No regrets.DRIFTMONKEY
- scarabin5
Why does Santa have such a big sack?
‘Cause he only comes once a year
- GeorgesII0
Latvian try to cross river. Has dog, potatoes, and dead son's body. Can only take two across river at one time. If he leave dog with potatoes or corpse, dog eat them. Is very sad. Also is not good boat.
- hahaarne
- So good.oey
- hahahahabigtrick
- why don't i get this?necromation
- so funny_niko
- i have no idea what this is?autoflavour
- Hahagoldieboy
- aanderton0
Man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."
So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."
The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!
"The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'
The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'
"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!
"So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'
"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.
"The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'"
The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head.
- Apologies for the length.aanderton
- huh?
necromation - http://anti-joke.com… necroaanderton
- HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAIogout
- hahaha awesomeProjectile
- hahahaBattleAxe
- exceptionaldigitdaily
- awesomeidentity
- drgs5
Dear facebook friends, concerning my dick pics being sent out to all of you...
My account was hacked!
Therefore no new pics will be sent out this week.
- kona6
Last night I noticed my wife had painted her eyebrows on a bit too high.
I said to her, "Sweetie, that looks awful"
She looked surprised.
- drgs2
When you lose your internet connection, its the perfect time to lay back and dive into your thoughts, to contemplate over your
oh wait its back on- lol_niko
- hahaomg
- :Dsted
- This literally just happened.section_014
- kezza_20
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when ... Read Moreno one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great You should go into town and kick up your heels.'
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
Now take ... Read Moreoff my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'- wtf is with this "read more"Dancer
- I don;t know I thought I was being brain washed at first.chossy
- read more is the jokenilsnihil
- so is it part of the joke above too?Dancer
- copy and paste? the first part was a preview?bulletfactory
- i guess so.. kezza sucks at copying lolCoffeemaker
- TL;DRLillebo
- copy and paste off facebookscruffics
- maquito6
It was all fun and laughter until we figured out the stutterer wanted Ham.
- ohhhhhsnap0
- >>>>ohhhhhsnap
- >>>ohhhhhsnap
- >>ohhhhhsnap
- >ohhhhhsnap
- http://37.media.tumb…ohhhhhsnap
- That was a lot of effort...elahon
- lolutopian
- http://i.imgur.com/z…ORAZAL
- Elahon lol fair enuffohhhhhsnap
- beevessine
- she is smokin hotmoldero
- rootlock5
The Russian army is marching into Finland
They hear a faint voice from the other side of a snowbank: One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Russian soldiers.
The Russain general sends 10 soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet.
The voice then whispers, one Finnish soldier is better than 100 Russian soldiers. The Russian general sends 100 Russian soldiers.
There is more gunfire and then silence. The voice speaks up again and says one Finnish soldier is better than 1000 Russian soldiers.
The Russian general then sends 1000 Russian soldiers. There is a lot of gunfire and then silence.
Soon after a bloodied Russian soldier crawls over the snowbank and screams his last breath: GENERAL! do not send more troops! it's a trap! there are two Finnish soldiers!
- BuddhaHat3
Two men crash into each other at an intersection. First man steps out of his wrecked car screaming:
"You son-of-a-bitch, you wrecked my Jag! I'm a lawyer, I'm going to sue you for everything you have!"
Other man responds, "You Lawyers only care about money, you don't even realize you just lost an arm."
The Lawyer looks down where his arm should be and yells "Where's my fucking Rolex!"
- MrT4
We've just heard Harry Kane flew to Copenhagen and visited Christian Eriksen in hospital. "He's alert and stringing words together so he's making some progress," said Eriksen.
- hans_glib5
A man wanders down the street at 2am, cigarette and booze in hand. The police stop him and ask why he is outdoors. “I’m going to a lecture,” he says. The police ask what sort of lecture and he says: “It’s on smoking and drinking.” They ask who could be giving that sort of talk at that time of the night. The man breezes past and says: “My wife.”
- Krassy5
3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"