Joke of the Day
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- scarabin7
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an ithberg.
- - Mike Tyson!GeorgesII
- tee ha!docpoz
- haha!! thomewhat thilly ..and thmart.chukkaphob
- Too soon.BK
- Drumpf4
- i guess you are the joke cause hes looking at your user name.yurimon
- Fucking YurinalDrumpf
- He's looking at all the threads on the left.Maaku
- ok so he thinking your posts are a waste of time and and like these wankers cant even make bank posting.yurimon
- Jokes in bad tasteBusterBoy
- is no fucking thread safe from this shitscarabin
- Why is yuri responding like this was aimed at him?monospaced
- apparently yuri is still on QBN 1.0moldero
- Ramanisky24
Relax everyone ... he’s just joking.
- But pits of venomous snakes, pools of crocodiles, wall with shards of glass and steel spikes wasn't a joke.utopian
- in reality, all those gators would prolly die due to the pesticides dumped in the rio grandeBonSeff
- Perfecto! Gracias!
https://timsboots.co…Percrushin - can use them for his next insurrections too..... win win situationneverscared
- Yes, relax. Everything is chill at the border.hotroddy
- I imagine it's better to be the hero of stupid than the hero of incompetence
hotdoddyneverscared - ^relax, he saidhotroddy
- BuddhaHat7
A man was walking along the countryside where he notices a lot of sheep and only one shepherd so curiously, he walks over to him and asks
"Are those sheep yours?"
"Which ones, the black, or the white?"the shepherd asks.
"The black ones?"
"They're mine." He said
"I see, what about the white ones then?"
"They are also mine." he replies
The man thinks of his reply as funny and let it slide.
The man goes again and asks, "How much wool do they produce?"
"The black or the white?" shepherd asks again.
"The black ones." He says
"About 20 kilograms."
"And the whites?"
"They also produce 20 kilograms."
This time the man gets a little annoyed but still lets it pass.
"How much milk do they produce?"
"Which ones, the black or the white?"
The man holds on to his patience and asks, "The black ones."
"About 15 litres per day."
"And the whites?" He continues
"Also 15 litres."
The man loses it this time, enraged he says
"If all of them are yours, produces same amount of milk and wool then why do you always keep asking for them separately?"
The shepherd calmly replies,
"You see those black ones, they belonged to my late father."
The man becomes a little hesitant after hearing him mention his late father and feels a little apologetic towards the shepherd
"O-oh I see."
"And the white ones?"
"They also belonged to my father."
- MrT8
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change colour?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
- georgesIII6
An elementary school teacher, a lawyer, a Catholic priest and three young boys are on a plane with only three parachutes.
Engines explode, plane starts going down.
The teacher says, 'Save the children!'
The lawyer yells, 'FUCK THE CHILDREN!'
The Catholic priest looks around and whispers, 'Is there time?'
- BusterBoy4
Two Jehovas Witness doing the rounds...knock on the front door of a home. Young man opens the door.
Man: Hi...what's up?
Jehovas Witness: Hi there. We're from the Jehovas Witnesses. I was wondering if you have a few minutes...perhaps we could come in and spread the word and enlighten you about our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.
Man: Sure...I've got some free time. Come on in.
So the 3 of them go inside...and sit in the lounge room.
Man: OK then...now what?
Jehovas Witness: Ummm...well...I'm not really sure. We've never made it this far before.
- My brother is a hyper devout Evangelical Christian and all around nice guy. He actually did this once because he wanted to save them.garbage
- This is exactly what he described. He even asked them to come back any time and they were even more dumbfounded.garbage
- I took their pamphlet once, they kept coming back like clockwork for months...zarkonite
- My brother hung out with them for several weeks until they finally gave up, lol.garbage
- Just say you’re a satanist. I never see ‘em anymorescarabin
- I used to make it inside all the time... *gigglePonyBoy
- Gardener7
I asked my barber to give me a haircut like Tom Cruise,
so he put a cushion on the seat.
- drgs6
Will glass coffins become popular?
Remains to be seen
- Gardener6
Madonna goes into a flower shop and says,
"I'd like to buy some flowers please".
"Orchids?"
"No thanks. Just the flowers."
- MrT4
What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?
Tennish.
- GeorgesII6
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."
- chukkaphob4
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!”
- good one.oey
- desperado?inteliboy
- ^ This, but its always good to hear it told different ways. As my english teacher told me after I told the joke in front of the whole class. :)sofakingback
- +1terry_cloth
- Gardener7
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He spots a man down below and lowers the balloon to shout: “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man below says: “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude.”
“You must be an engineer” says the balloonist.
“I am” replies the man. “How did you know.”
“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”
The man below says “You must be a manager.”
“I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problems. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”
- BusterBoy7
Bloke walks in to his local pharmacy...
BLOKE: Do you sell Viagra?
PHARMACIST: Sure we do.
BLOKE: Can I get it over the counter?
PHARMACIST: Depends how many you take.
- BuddhaHat3
What is it called when you die and come back as a hillbilly?
- Beeswax5
A man received a message from his neighbour. "Sorry sir, I am using your wife, day and night, when you are not present at home. In fact, much more than you do...
I confess this now because I am feeling very much guilty.
I hope you will accept my sincere apologies."The man shot the wife...
A few minutes later he received another message:
"Fucking autocorrect: wifi, not wife"
