Joke of the Day
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- autoflavour0
The Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,
''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.- my dad actually sent me this..
autoflavour - hahascarabin
- so good...oey
- hahaha... Awesome!necromation
- my dad actually sent me this..
- BusterBoy0
Yossele Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist..
After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.
The next day he came home from work very early.
His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband.
She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.
She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too.”
- bliznutty0
What do you call a German virgin?
Güdentite!
- ):bigtrick
- translate "Güdentite" in english please. Because the word is neither german nor english. Perhaps i will understand and laugh.sandpipe
- "Güdentite" doesn't need to be translated in english. Just say it loud.sephil
- ha he didnt get it lolCygnusZero4
- set0
The barman says 'We don't serve neutrinos in here'.
A neutrino walks into a bar.
- FUCK, LITERALLY LAST POST. AND A MONTH AGO. LOL That's bad. I'm sorry.set
- hahascarabin
- set...you're no neutrinoPeter
- how was the wormhole, set?coldarchon
- elahon0
I went to the doctor the other day and found out my
new doctor is a young female, and drop-dead gorgeous!
I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm
a professional. I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's
wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."
I said, "I think my penis tastes funny."
- bliznutty0
After their eleventh child a backwoods redneck couple decided that enough was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children or the bed might break and kill the dogs underneath. The doc knew the man could not afford a vasectomy, and recommended that he cut his balls off in the quickest, most painless way possible. Shocked, the man went back to his wife and they contemplated how the hell. They figured his old chevy truck, some duct tape, and a rope might work perfect for this situation but just couldn't get courage to do it. Later that night his wife got upset and ran out the house to get cigarettes but never came back. His niece came over with a 30 pack of budweiser to get him drunk and fuck (in front of the 11 kids).. Knowing that he didn't want anymore kids and his neice was just getting to the age she could get pregnant - he knew it was time to get rid of his balls.
I'm making this up.. anyone want to help with the end?
- fooler20
I made this up when I was a little kid....
What did John Lennon say when he stapled his balls together while doing a headstand?
- Come together, right now, over mefooler2
- please don't make up any more jokesbliznutty
- it's funny if you are 6fooler2
- I LAL'd .....
laughed a little ..Ramanisky2 - i snorted.bigtrick
- WhiteFace0
What's the worst thing about being bitten by a poisonous spider?
Being Australian.
- kerraaang0
Why was the Amish girl excommunicated?
too Mennonite.
- bigtrickagain0
After a consultation, the doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You see, your testicles seem to be pressing on your spine and the pressure creates one heck of a headache. I can relieve the pressure by removing the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in fifteen years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the man behind the counter, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "I've been doing this all my life!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt to go with the suit?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The tailor eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?" "Been doing this all my life." Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the tailor asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The tailor said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, and said "No no, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The tailor shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache!"
- this was told to me by my boss^3 (boss of the boss of my boss) in the company kitchen just nowbigtrickagain
- Fucking LOL! Awesome!elahon
- ZIIINNNGGG!!!ideaist
- lolset
- airey0
a catholic priest walks into the bar, sits down and orders a scotch.
a jewish rabbi (as opposed to the other sort) walks into the bar, sits next to the priest and orders a vodka soda.
a muslim cleric walks into the bar, sits down at the bar and asks for a light. the priest and the rabbi fish out lighters (the rabbi has a 'born to raise hell' zippo which has nothing to do with the joke but was interesting all the same), the priest has a 7-11 green plastic lighter.
they look at each other and laugh, then the rabbi who is the closest to the cleric lights the lighter. the cleric leans in with a cigarette and lights it. says thanks an goes to the pay phone in the corner.
the priest and the rabbi make small talk over the local favourite sports heroes and order a second round.
the cleric saunters out after finishing his call, saying thanks as he goes.
the priest and the rabbi finish their second drinks, make their farewells and leave.
the bartender grabs the glasses and cleans them.
- .airey
- you racial profilers out there expected something to happen didn't you.airey
- people looking for a punchline in the jokes thread sure didscarabin
- i'm a fan of wasting people's time with literally no payoff for their trouble. love it.airey
- a clubbed seal, a horses face, a bra...anything but a story about nothing labeled as a joke. :)Peter
- I LOVE THIS JOKE. I LOVE IT SO MUCHbigtrickagain
- you know, sarcasm isn't welcome around these parts.airey
- actually, it is. god bless.airey
- i wasn't sarcastic. i laughed so hard.
i'm serious.bigtrickagain - oh dear.airey
- blaw0
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
- meffid0
10 year old boy walks on his parent fucking
parents stop and look, laugh a lot and then carry on
boy leaves room in disgust
2 days later, father walks down stairs to find boy on top of grandmother, naked and fucking her ultra hard and fast
boy turns to father and says "not so funny when it's YOUR mum, IS it?!- GROchossy
- JESUSbigtrick
- HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHACoffeemaker
- HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHACoffeemaker
- HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHACoffeemaker
- HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHACoffeemaker
- HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHACoffeemaker
- HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHACoffeemaker
- HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHACoffeemaker
- HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHACoffeemaker
- HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHACoffeemaker
- HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA
hahaha.. heh.. *snifCoffeemaker - Best I've heard in a long time :DLillebo
- BuddhaHat2
Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"
Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"
She points up and says: "3 pulls"
Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.
Professor X: "Yeah that's cool and all, but not really a super power..."
Girl: "Yeah I was just kidding, I can heal paraplegics"
Professor X, still standing: "Oh my god"
- WhiteFace0
How many children with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?
Let's go ride our bikes!!!
- _niko1
what did Chris Rock get on his face?
Fresh Prints
- kezza_20
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are sitting in the garden of a psychiatric hospital.
With nothing to do and completely bored the sadist says: "Why don't we torture a cat?"
Then the zoophile says: "Yeah, we'll torture a cat and then we'll f*** it!!!"
The murderer agrees, "We'll torture a cat, f*** ... Read Moreit and then kill it!!!"
The necrophile says "We'll torture a cat, f*** it, kill it then f*** it again!!!"
The pyromaniac goes, "We'll torture a cat, f*** it, kill it, f*** it again and then set it on fire!!!"
There's a sudden silence and they all look at the masochist and ask: "You not saying anything???"
The masochist smiles and says:
"Meeeoww"
- hhaha, i'm telling this joke at Thanksgiving.harlequino
- I'm telling this joke at my daughter's second grade parent teacher conference!boobs
- ...and a normal human being came with a MAC-11 and busted the domes of all of those bloody psychotics.styleplus
- ...lest that type of shit spread to the rest of normal world.styleplus
- FUCKING LOL
this joke made me spit all over the wall..Coffeemaker
- The_archer0
Hamish is sitting in the livingroom having a wank into a wellington boot,
his wife walks in, disgusted she shouts-
"HAMISH!, stop fuckin aboot."- hahaOhYeah
- very funnyharmsie
- looolbigtrick
- hahahahaah!iCanHazQBN
