Joke of the Day
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- bliznutty0
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.
'Wow!' I was flabbergasted. 'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said. 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me - plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'
She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.
'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone ... everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'
So I told her to fuck off.
- rofl__TM
- ahahahaarmsbottomer
- hahahahahahaCoffeemaker
- £O£dMullins
- Recycling already? This is from page 2 or 3 or something...Lillebo
- fooler20
A naked blond walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says: "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The naked lady says...
"forgot my pencil"
- BattleAxe0
A man is woken up at 4 am by someone knocking on the door he answers
Man: Can I help, do you have any Ideas what time it is , I have to be at work by 6:00 am , what the hell do you want
Pepito: Could you give me a push ,
Man: WTF, a push, it is 4 AM, now leave me the fuck alone (slams door)the man tries to go to bed but his guilty conscience starts to kick in and can't sleep
He opens the door and calls into the night,
Man: Hey , hey Pepito you still out there, do you still need a push
Pepito: Yes , I am over here on the swing- ?....chossy
- Whaaaaat theeee fuuuuucckCarl_Weathers
- I've read this 5 times. it's now funny.Carl_Weathers
- hahahaslappy
- this is idioticbigtrick
- hahahaha i laughed immediatly.. don't know what is weird about it hahahahaCoffeemaker
- Gardener0
Two deer walk out of a gay bar and one says to the other,
"I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in there."
- BuddhaHat4
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere, how can you say the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside when you heard someone coming... that was me"
- MrT3
Two wind turbines in a field and one says to the other, "Do you like music?"
He replies, "I'm a big metal fan."
- scarabin1
A Roman man walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says "Five beers, please."
- ...and an order of your greeceiest friesprophetone
- how about he crosses his arms and says"gimme 10"!capn_ron
- lol ronscarabin
- Elwin743
- Every time I'm feeling down, I just remember this joke and I'm back.iCanHazQBN
- MrT1
A transvestite from Greater Manchester walked into a bar.
He had a Wigan address.
- georgesIII3
I opened a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
.
.
Prophets are going through the roof.
- georgesIII0
I like my coffee like I like my slaves
- >>>> >>>>georgesIII
- FreegeorgesIII
- kekApeRobot
- https://31.media.tum…ApeRobot
- are they still slave if they are free? you sure you are drinking coffee?pango
- https://www.youtube.…ETM
- GeorgesIV0
What's the name of the cow that can see into the future?
- teh0
Two guys walk into a bar, separately, and have a seat at the bar.
One guy notices the other has a black eye, just like himself.
“Hey buddy, how’d you get your shiner?”
“Well, I was at the train station, and the ticket girl was fuckin’ hot. And instead of two tickets to Pittsburg, I slipped and said ‘two PICKets to TITTsburg’ and she hit me square in the face. How about you? How’d you get yours?”
“Something similar actually! I was just having dinner with my wife, and what I MEANT to say was, ‘Honey, can you please pass the peas?’ But I slipped up and said “You fucking bitch you ruined my life!”
- robotron3k0
what's the new favorite drink of Germany?
- >>robotron3k
- 7-Uprobotron3k
- Lolset
- eheheh
that was goodGeorgesIV - i thought it was gonna be something about "jewce"sarahfailin
- ha!robotron3k
- sarahfailin0
(From the New Yorker)
So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.
So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?”
And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.”
So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, “Your wish is my command.” So the guy’s, like, “O.K., I wish for world peace.” And there’s this big cloud of smoke—and then the room fills up with geese.
So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, “Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.”
And the bartender’s, like, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”
So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, “Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis?”
And the bartender’s, like, “Yeah. Why, what did you wish for?”
And the guy’s, like, “World peace.”
So the bartender is understandably ashamed.
And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender.
And the bartender’s, like, “I feel like I should explain myself further.”
And the guy’s, like, “You don’t have to.”
But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, “I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate.”
And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, “Where do you think that comes from?”
And the bartender’s, like, “I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow.”
And the guy’s, like, “Have you ever seen anyone about this?”
And the bartender’s, like, “Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface.”
So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, “Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life.”
And the bartender’s, like, “Tell me more about that.” And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey.
And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, “He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident.”
And the bartender’s, like, “That’s horrible.”
And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, “You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician!”
And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, “When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . .”
And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, “I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man.”
And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smoke—and a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears!
And the pianist is, like, “I said ‘old man,’ not ‘old van’!”
And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, “Your genie’s hard of hearing.”
And the bartender says, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”
And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, “Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me.”
And the bartender’s, like, “No, it’s not like that.” You know, trying to backpedal.
And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, “Once an accident, always an accident.” And he drinks all of his whiskey.
And the bartender’s, like, “Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, “Well, I didn’t mean that.”
And the bartender’s, like, “Whoa, calm down.”
And the pianist is, like, “Fuck you!” And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, “Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you!”
And he starts throwing punches, but he’s too small to do any real damage, and eventually he just collapses in the bartender’s arms.
And suddenly he has this revelation. And he’s, like, “My God, I’m just like him. I’m just like him.” And he starts weeping.
And the bartender’s, like, “No, you’re not. You’re better than he was.”
And the pianist is, like, “That’s not true. I’m worthless!”
And the bartender grabs the pianist by the shoulders and says, “Damn it, Brian, listen to me! My life was hell before you entered it. Now I look forward to every day. You’re so talented and kind and you light up this whole bar. Hell, you light up my whole life. If I had a second wish, you know what it would be? It would be for you to realize how beautiful you are.”
And the bartender kisses the pianist on the lips.
So the guy, who’s been watching all this, is surprised, because he didn’t know the bartender was gay. It doesn’t bother him; it just catches him off guard, you know? So he goes to the bathroom, to give them a little privacy. And there’s the genie.
So the guy’s, like, “Hey, genie, you need to get your ears fixed.”
And the genie’s, like, “Who says they’re broken?” And he opens the door, revealing the happy couple, who are kissing and gaining strength from each other.
And the guy’s, like, “Well done.”
And then the genie says, “That bartender’s tiny penis is going to seem huge from the perspective of his one-foot-tall boyfriend.”
And the graphic nature of the comment kind of kills the moment.
And the genie’s, like, “I’m sorry. I should’ve left that part unsaid. I always do that. I take things too far.”
And the guy’s, like, “Don’t worry about it. Let’s just grab a beer. It’s on me.” ♦
- to long. did read. regret it.capn_ron
- I found this quite funny. thanks, sfGnash
- ty, gnash!sarahfailin
- what are the geese for then ?!!srhadden
- GeorgesIV0
What do you call an invisible mom that got a sex change?
- >>>>GeorgesIV
- TransparentGeorgesIV
- Trannysparentset
- a person god damn itcannonball1978
- not cool set.ohhhhhsnap
- Krassy0
Why does Snoop Dog always carry an umbrella?
- >Krassy
- Fo drizzle, in case of a Lil Wayne.Krassy
- hahaha!monospaced
- braaaavo!! eheheh
GeorgesII - told this joke in a bar. it's all about the delivery.ohhhhhsnap
- elahon0
An Irishman drinks at the pub until they close.
He stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time and falls again. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Outside, he tries to stand up and falls flat again. He gives up and crawls the four blocks to his house, crawls up the stairs and pulls himself into bed....
The next morning, his wife stands over him shouting, "So, you've been out boozing again!"
"What makes you say that?" he asks, putting on an innocent face.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
- lol'darne
- If you replaced 'Irishman' with 'Native American', for instance, would it still be funny?eoin
- Yeah.
boobs - It would be funnier. Fuck the Indians.iCanHazQBN
