Joke of the Day
- Started
- Last post
- 677 Responses
- rzu-rzu4
A bus stops, and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," sputters the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public."
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin abouta sexa? I'ma justa tellun my frienda how to spella Mississippi."
- M-i-crooked letter-crooked letter-i-crooked letter-crooked letter-i-humpback-hu...palimpsest
- I read this in Jar Jar Binks voice. No regrets.DRIFTMONKEY
- dkoblesky-3
What did Sean Connery wear in every Bond movie?
A toupee
- MrT3
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Teaching a dog to sit was too messy.
- imbecile11
- lol, took me a secondMaaku
- ^ Ha .. same here.Ramanisky2
- I nearly posted, 'I don't get it.'
Then I did.Continuity - It’s called a ‘set joke’Ramanisky2
- Lol great_niko
- Works best in a shit Irish accentNairn
- Oh neighbor CLINT, use a bigger brush, dude!Krassy
- https://youtu.be/8X_…scarabin
- Gardener7
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He spots a man down below and lowers the balloon to shout: “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man below says: “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude.”
“You must be an engineer” says the balloonist.
“I am” replies the man. “How did you know.”
“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”
The man below says “You must be a manager.”
“I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problems. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”
- BusterBoy4
Two Jehovas Witness doing the rounds...knock on the front door of a home. Young man opens the door.
Man: Hi...what's up?
Jehovas Witness: Hi there. We're from the Jehovas Witnesses. I was wondering if you have a few minutes...perhaps we could come in and spread the word and enlighten you about our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.
Man: Sure...I've got some free time. Come on in.
So the 3 of them go inside...and sit in the lounge room.
Man: OK then...now what?
Jehovas Witness: Ummm...well...I'm not really sure. We've never made it this far before.
- My brother is a hyper devout Evangelical Christian and all around nice guy. He actually did this once because he wanted to save them.garbage
- This is exactly what he described. He even asked them to come back any time and they were even more dumbfounded.garbage
- I took their pamphlet once, they kept coming back like clockwork for months...zarkonite
- My brother hung out with them for several weeks until they finally gave up, lol.garbage
- Just say you’re a satanist. I never see ‘em anymorescarabin
- I used to make it inside all the time... *gigglePonyBoy
- hans_glib5
A man wanders down the street at 2am, cigarette and booze in hand. The police stop him and ask why he is outdoors. “I’m going to a lecture,” he says. The police ask what sort of lecture and he says: “It’s on smoking and drinking.” They ask who could be giving that sort of talk at that time of the night. The man breezes past and says: “My wife.”
- Gardener7
I asked my barber to give me a haircut like Tom Cruise,
so he put a cushion on the seat.
- kingsteven3
My mother told me I'd never have a car made from spaghetti...
Should have seen her face when I drove pasta
- helloeatbreathedrive2
Mister Yoda, set a new course.
- drgs2
The first rule of female fight club is: Tell everyone about female fight club
- BusterBoy1
So this American guy came over to Ireland...headed to Killarney. He wanted to play golf...but he was on his own. So he went to the local golf club and said to the Club Pro "would anyone here play with me? I'm a fairly handy player so I'd want to play with someone pretty good."
"Oh, Paddy's your man" the pro says. "We'll give you his phone number".
So the American contacts Paddy...and they arrange to meet the next morning. Paddy says "I'll be there at 9 o'clock but I could be a half hour late".
So next morning they meet up at 9 o'clock sharp. Paddy turns up with a set of left handed clubs. And he beats the American pretty easily.
The American didn't take too kindly to the beating, so he says to Paddy "play me again tomorrow" to which Paddy replies "sure. I'll meet you at 9 o'clock but I could be a half hour late".
Again, Paddy turns up at 9am sharp...this time with a set of right handed clubs. The American thinks to himself "I've got him now!".
But Paddy plays just as well right handed and beats the American convincingly.
Getting annoyed now the American says "Paddy, I'll have to play you once more". Paddy replies "right. I'll meet you at 9 o'clock tomorrow, but I could be a half hour late".
"Hold on a minute" the American says. "Come on...yesterday you play left handed. And this morning you play right handed. How do you decide how you're going to play?".
"Well, when I wake up in the morning" Paddy says..."I look at the wife. If she's laying on her left side, I play with my left handed clubs. If she's laying on her right hand side, I use my right handed clubs".
The American asks "So what if she's laying on her back?"
Paddy responds "I'll be a half hour late".
- The video of the Irish guy telling that joke doing the rounds a few weeks back is good.Hayzilla
- Gardener0
Q/ What do you get if you cross Bill Clinton and Donald Trump?
A/ Found in your cell, unresponsive