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- forcetwelve0
jevad— from what you've told me there's a lot to fight for. not just each other but alos others.
i'd fight for it, you'll know when it's really over if it comes to that.
until you feel that dont stop.
- Seanbot0
man, this is breaking my heart just reading this - and i hardly know jevad.
anyhow, as others have already said, if you truly believe it's worth going after, do it; don't second guess yourself - you have next week to do that. as ridiiculous as it may be, don't let your head get caught up in the moment; speak from your heart and everything will turn out for the better, regardless of what actually comes of your situation.
:-)
- material-10
nic,
if you need someone to talk to, give me a call
- zamiam0
My experience tells me that sometimes the fight is not a fight for you and her, but within yourself.
I know it's hard to hear, but maybe her feelings for you got stuck in everyday routine, and she's craving the man you were when you first met. The challenge, the butterflies and the excitement of being together.
So my advice would be to play it cool, be the best dad you can be, and try to be the man you want to be. When she discovers this new you, her love will blossom again.
You seem like a nice fella - it'll all work out one way or another..
Best of luck..
- blastofv0
first the child, then you, then the relationship. find happiness, and the rest is insignificant. if happiness includes her, great, but if you know it's not possible right now, cut it free and see where life takes you.
i'm generally a real cynic about self-help hooha, but you (everybody) should read The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz. it's a couple bucks and a couple hours max of reading, and it'll help you to step back from the trenches of your situation.
good luck.
- paraselene0
my parents fought to save their marriage for over twenty years. to be perfectly honest with you, i wish they hadn't. my childhood would have been much, much happier if they had given up the ghost after about six.
it's one thing to work diligently and devotedly on your relationship, but anything you force will be just that: forced.
- vespa0
so sorry to hear this nic
it must be so hard to know what to do. you've got to do everything you can to make sure your boy feels loved no matter what.
all you can do is tell her how much you want it to work out and what you're willing to do to make it work. seems a shame she won't try counselling. if she's totally given up on it then you have to make sure you protect your head too, don't blame yourself over everything if she's not willing to try and fix it.
but if it seems it's not going to work no matter how much you both try, you don't want to drag it on for ever, for all of your sakes.
- madirish0
duder,
i feel for you so much. this is a shite situation, but one (as you know more than i) comes w/ l-i-v-i-n. :(
i believe in fighting for what one believes in w/ soul.
it is a matter of what you are passionate about and what you would throw all away tomorrow, today, right now for and not looking back- not for a fucking second. that passion, that care, that relationship/responcibility/caus... or creature that get's you stoked beyond definition is what people fight for w/ soul. i know you have been going at this for years and that in itself is your own adgenda w/ your wife i will not comment on because i (nor anyone here) have been there for, but when it comes down to what to fight for and what not, the answer is as easy as knowing if you are goofy or regular footed...... get on the fucking ice and slide. the correct foot will lead you.
call who you need, don't who you are not comfortable with- but communication w/ another is essential whomever it is. we are all mammals in the end and it is a definitive trait to us anyway you slice that cake.
you can do it man.
- ********0
Nic... that is a very leading question, and you obviously only want one answer.
I am only going to give you the answer you NEED and not the one you WANT.
Would I fight for something that I thought was worth fighting for? Of course I would. I would do ANYTHING that I THOUGHT was WORTH doing. THOUGHT was WORTH.
But here's the thing, Nic. Love is NEVER worth fighting for. EVER. Under any circumstance. That's when it becomes destructive.
I'm not trying to shock anyone, and act all "ooh, he thinks he's so macho". This is a core belief.
I read your first post in this thread and all I hear is a man trying to logically convince a woman to feel something for him.
You cannot logically convince anyone to feel something emotional for you Nic. And i'm not saying she no longer emotionally feels attraction to you. Or emotionally feels caring towards you. But she no longer feels any value in your relationship. And VALUE is emotional.
Maybe it's part of our social conditioning that says when you think you’re in love, you should follow your heart and tell the girl how badly you’re pining for her. Doing this will win her heart. Or love is scarce and you should treat it that way. You have only one soul mate. You will not find love twice.
If you want an old girlfriend back, or if you want to be with a girl who’s special to you, you won’t make that happen by obsessing over it or trying even harder. Stop idealising love, and stop idealising her. Just stop idealising full stop and you'll go far in life.
Love doesn't have any supernatural properties. You dont only have one perfect soul mate. Love isn't meant to last forever, and people aren't only able fall in love a certain number of times. It's not fate that causes love to “just happen” when the time is right.
I'm sure together, you and her had come up with all sorts of shared idealisations that had made your relationship strong.
First time you met, gone out, had sex. Special reasons why you were still together, your "thing" that no one else had. And sure its "understandable" that you want to feel like you did before. That you're trying to reach out for your girl to
VALIDATE your old shared reality, but she is gone from you. The girl that existed for you no longer exists. She was a
figment of your idealising imagination."“Wait... She’s not seeing things clearly. What about our ‘thing?’ Nobody can love her like I can. Hang on. She's fucked this
new guy?? What? they fucked the first time they hung out? What?! She fucked him on the couch where we had our first time together?! No. That was the special couch!! Doesn’t this bitch remember that that was the SPECIAL COUCH?!?!”You can rationalise all you want that she's confused, going through a "difficult time", that you wont give up on your love
cos its "worth fighting for". In the end though, all you are is desperate to have your old reality validated by her.These feelings, love or whatever it is "worth fighting for" is a self-hypnosis, a beautiful psychosis. It is not something SHE is causing. It's something YOU ARE CAUSING YOURSELF.
A feeling of attraction? A feeling of connection? A feeling of lust? A feeling of physical attachment? A feeling of underlying one-ness? A feeling of anxious emotional co-dependence? A combination of those things??
Now I ain't "anti-love", or whatever that oxytocin induced pairbonding system is. The opportunity to have a partner on my lifes journey. It can be a chance to fully experience and understand another person, and to have that person do the same for me in return. A loving relationship between two people can be healthy and cultivate spiritual and physical growth. It can be one of the most pleasurable and important experiences that a person has over the course of their entire life.
But then, most of the time, most people either arent mature enough for that, or are too attached to the idealised IT. And that's destructive. It can be a self-deception to avoid facing your own shortcomings. There are people who will fall in love with anyone who will have them. They are eager, and in love with the idea of being in love. There are other people who fear falling in love. They are jaded, and create emotional barriers to prevent themselves from being hurt in the future.
Ultimately, people process their experiences through a fog of emotions, and create and intensify these occurrences in their own minds. A person can feel an increase in their sense of acceptance by being in a specific situation. And in the same way, a person can feel an increase in their value by being with a specific person. When a person’s sense of acceptance and identity is tied up in another person, they are dependent on that person to feel good about themselves. And because of that, they become reactive in their relationship. They focus their thoughts more towards the pain of possibly losing the other person than on the pleasure of being themselves. Is this the case with you? I dont know... Maybe you should DEEPLY look at that side of things.
If your in a relationship, you should always be prepared for it to end at a moments notice and be ok with it. Not happy - but
OK.Don't define yourself by your relationship with a woman. Define it by your mision in life.
Put down your guitar. Stop writing songs about her, about your loss or your pain. Stop moping. Get out of this narcissitic depression. Now's the time to expend your energy on building your core identity, value, and self-esteem that is completely self-sufficient. Big happy baby. You need to make it your LIFE'S MISSION to get yourself to where you want to be. I can help you with this, but you have to ask.
- ********0
Everyone is going to have a different opinion on this, given their personal experience.
I dont agree with everything Kuz has said, but I think there is some good advice in there.
Only you will find your right answer to your relationship.
I agree that it sounds like you are looking for one answer, the stay and fight its worth it answer.
Dont know if thats true in your case, no one here does.
However, it sounds like you're probably in a situation now where you are doing everything for your relationship, and likely nothing for yourself.
My advice, start doing some things for yourself and not your relationship. This is a hard thing to do, to up and put the focus on yourself – really hard because it will involve serious self-criticism and change.
But I bet if you can turn your focus to yourself for a while, your answer will come after.
- ********0
serious self-criticism and change.
letters
(Feb 6 07, 06:33)SERIOUS self-criticism and change.
Most people wont allow their egos to suffer that and are doomed to repeating the same patterns in their relationship and life, until they die.
- OSFA0
Nic, it really seems like she's moved on. If she is happy now, let her go. Don't feel bad for you have done nothing wrong. Shit like this happens and there are times when there is nothing you can do but be strong and keep on truckin' partner.
Focus on your little boy, he's the one that needs all your attention now. You and her will eventually move on but make sure your little one doesn't suffer his whole life. Besides, by spending more time with him and giving him your all will help you forget your pain gradually.
Take care bro, be strong and keep us posted if you need more help.
d.
- ********0
thing is tho, despite my ernest post, i really find it hard to take people in this situation seriously, and not tell them to pull it together and stop acting like "wimps".
I guess i have some sort of contempt for people who come across as helpless. Especially men.
- kelpie0
which would be a failing of your own, wouldn't it?
- ********0
yes. I have many. :)
- kelpie0
for what its worth, Kuz, I think you're pretty bang on there, but my God do I hope I never have such a Teutonic world view ;D
see you at the weekend Frank TJ Mackey
x
- ********0
Nobody likes to see someone get really down on themselves and feeling bad.
However, we all know the multitude of emotional, mental, and logistical issues that make serious change hard. Especially in the way is usually that issue of comfort.
So go after that comfort, get really uncomfortable through focusing on yourself and making changes for yourself.
- ********0
man, i am so looking forward to meeting you on friday kelpie i'm gonna explode! :D :D :D
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get really uncomfortable through focusing on yourself and making changes for yourself.
letters
(Feb 6 07, 06:54)This is KEY, get out of your comfrot zones and self-medicating behaviour. It can be so insidious that you wont even realise your in it/doing it.
- Jaline0
Nic, I know you've had difficulties with this before. So obviously you two got through it and/or worked some things out.
It's hard to say whether or not you should keep fighting since you've done it once or possibly many times before and it's frustrating.Maybe you two drift apart every once in a while and the problems get serious because you/she/both take things for granted. But you still work things out. Or maybe both of you need to re-discover yourselves or discover how you've changed.
I still think it's worth fighting for, but at the same time there is a moment in which one must realize that it's time to move on. There's already lots of good advice regarding that notion in this thread.
- ********0
Reading back over your posts Nic, you laid out that you have already separated and that since then your previous partner is now much happier and more content.
That hurts to hear I am sure – but its out there. Time to put the focus exactly where you mentioned before – on your son... and on yourself, dont forget you. The more contentment you find, the better off your son is going to be anyway.