I am...
Out of context: Reply #49
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Nic... that is a very leading question, and you obviously only want one answer.
I am only going to give you the answer you NEED and not the one you WANT.
Would I fight for something that I thought was worth fighting for? Of course I would. I would do ANYTHING that I THOUGHT was WORTH doing. THOUGHT was WORTH.
But here's the thing, Nic. Love is NEVER worth fighting for. EVER. Under any circumstance. That's when it becomes destructive.
I'm not trying to shock anyone, and act all "ooh, he thinks he's so macho". This is a core belief.
I read your first post in this thread and all I hear is a man trying to logically convince a woman to feel something for him.
You cannot logically convince anyone to feel something emotional for you Nic. And i'm not saying she no longer emotionally feels attraction to you. Or emotionally feels caring towards you. But she no longer feels any value in your relationship. And VALUE is emotional.
Maybe it's part of our social conditioning that says when you think you’re in love, you should follow your heart and tell the girl how badly you’re pining for her. Doing this will win her heart. Or love is scarce and you should treat it that way. You have only one soul mate. You will not find love twice.
If you want an old girlfriend back, or if you want to be with a girl who’s special to you, you won’t make that happen by obsessing over it or trying even harder. Stop idealising love, and stop idealising her. Just stop idealising full stop and you'll go far in life.
Love doesn't have any supernatural properties. You dont only have one perfect soul mate. Love isn't meant to last forever, and people aren't only able fall in love a certain number of times. It's not fate that causes love to “just happen” when the time is right.
I'm sure together, you and her had come up with all sorts of shared idealisations that had made your relationship strong.
First time you met, gone out, had sex. Special reasons why you were still together, your "thing" that no one else had. And sure its "understandable" that you want to feel like you did before. That you're trying to reach out for your girl to
VALIDATE your old shared reality, but she is gone from you. The girl that existed for you no longer exists. She was a
figment of your idealising imagination."“Wait... She’s not seeing things clearly. What about our ‘thing?’ Nobody can love her like I can. Hang on. She's fucked this
new guy?? What? they fucked the first time they hung out? What?! She fucked him on the couch where we had our first time together?! No. That was the special couch!! Doesn’t this bitch remember that that was the SPECIAL COUCH?!?!”You can rationalise all you want that she's confused, going through a "difficult time", that you wont give up on your love
cos its "worth fighting for". In the end though, all you are is desperate to have your old reality validated by her.These feelings, love or whatever it is "worth fighting for" is a self-hypnosis, a beautiful psychosis. It is not something SHE is causing. It's something YOU ARE CAUSING YOURSELF.
A feeling of attraction? A feeling of connection? A feeling of lust? A feeling of physical attachment? A feeling of underlying one-ness? A feeling of anxious emotional co-dependence? A combination of those things??
Now I ain't "anti-love", or whatever that oxytocin induced pairbonding system is. The opportunity to have a partner on my lifes journey. It can be a chance to fully experience and understand another person, and to have that person do the same for me in return. A loving relationship between two people can be healthy and cultivate spiritual and physical growth. It can be one of the most pleasurable and important experiences that a person has over the course of their entire life.
But then, most of the time, most people either arent mature enough for that, or are too attached to the idealised IT. And that's destructive. It can be a self-deception to avoid facing your own shortcomings. There are people who will fall in love with anyone who will have them. They are eager, and in love with the idea of being in love. There are other people who fear falling in love. They are jaded, and create emotional barriers to prevent themselves from being hurt in the future.
Ultimately, people process their experiences through a fog of emotions, and create and intensify these occurrences in their own minds. A person can feel an increase in their sense of acceptance by being in a specific situation. And in the same way, a person can feel an increase in their value by being with a specific person. When a person’s sense of acceptance and identity is tied up in another person, they are dependent on that person to feel good about themselves. And because of that, they become reactive in their relationship. They focus their thoughts more towards the pain of possibly losing the other person than on the pleasure of being themselves. Is this the case with you? I dont know... Maybe you should DEEPLY look at that side of things.
If your in a relationship, you should always be prepared for it to end at a moments notice and be ok with it. Not happy - but
OK.Don't define yourself by your relationship with a woman. Define it by your mision in life.
Put down your guitar. Stop writing songs about her, about your loss or your pain. Stop moping. Get out of this narcissitic depression. Now's the time to expend your energy on building your core identity, value, and self-esteem that is completely self-sufficient. Big happy baby. You need to make it your LIFE'S MISSION to get yourself to where you want to be. I can help you with this, but you have to ask.