tell me jokes..
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- ********0
A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says "I bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play." The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar. The octopus's owner pockets the fifty bucks. The next guy comes up with a trumpet and octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks its lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus's owner. The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, "Now, if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars." The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has another look from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus's owner comes up and says "What are you messing around for? Hurry up and play the thing!" The octopus says "Play it? If I can work out how to get its pajamas off I'm gonna screw it!"
- -sputnik-0
lol @ jazx!!
- kinetic0
a rabbi and a priest are walking down the street together when the priest spots a little boy on the other side of the street.
he says to the rabbi "hey, lets screw that little kid" to which the rabbi replies "screw him out of what?"
- ********0
Q: How can you tell if a woman has not panties on?
A: The dandruff on her shoes
- -kappa-0
A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there were only 3 survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.
They manage to swim to a small island. They lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do
After several years of casual s*x, all the time, Deirdre felt
absolutely horrible about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.It was very tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while nature once more took its inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing..........So they buried her!
- bulletfactory0
rape is never a laughing matter......
unless you're raping a clown
- ********0
These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat.
He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!!!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat."
And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!!!"
- ********0
A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.
A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."
"No, a straw," says the Tramp.
The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.
To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".
- ********0
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
- ********0
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies
"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"
- ********0
How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
- ********0
I want to die like my grandfather did, in his sleep.
Not screaming and shouting like the passengers in his car.
- ********0
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
- ********0
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
- ********0
A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"
- ********0
Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover,
"Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?"His roommate lubes up his finger and shoves it up Bruce's ass.
He feels all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out."
So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass.
He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass."
Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
- ********0
A young Amish boy, Little Johnny, is sitting on his bed reading the Bible. Suddenly, his father storms in, grabs him and drags him out into the pasture.
In the pasture is one sheep chewing grass. His father points to the sheep and says, "Thou hast had sex with yon sheep!"
Little Johnny kneels and says, "Father forgive me for I did indeed spill my seed in yon lowly beast."
Saddened his father says, "Thou art forgiven my son. But know this... there will be REAL trouble if I taste it again."
- ********0
A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day.
His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."
- ********0
One day a woman who was born with no arms and no legs is wheeled out to the beach. While she's lying on her beach towel she notices an oil lamp that has been half buried in the sand beside her. She wriggles over to it and manages to rub her cheek on the lamp. A genie appears and he says "I am the genie of the lamp, you have released me and I grant you one wish."
The woman thinks about what she is going to wish for and she replies "I have no arms and no legs. I've never been fucked before, and I wish to get fucked!"
So the genie picks up the woman and throws her into the ocean and says "Now you're fucked!"
- ********0
Ask any man what a woman's ultimate fantasy is and they will tell you, to have two men at once. According to a recent social logical study this is true, however most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking, and the other is cleaning.