Advice
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- scaredshitless
I am hiding behind a fake name, because I am scared shitless right now over something going on in my life/head, and is what I see as a major turning point in my life.
My fiancée and I have been together for quite a long time now (almost 13 years), but as of the last year or so, I really have no intimate feelings for her any longer and I just can't explain it away anymore to myself. She's become fairly non-sexual, argumentative about everything, and generally unwilling to take anything I say to heart. To be fair, I've been much the same way with her. Her outward reactions when I raise issue with this stuff is that these are my own issues that have developed in recent years, and that I need to deal with them, it's not her fault. It seems like things have slowly changed since we got engaged, something that also took almost all of our relationship for us to finally do.
So here's my perspective, which is admittedly a bit selfish and one-sided.
We met in college, and have basically spent every day together since. Over the course of our relationship, we've been through your typical up's and down's, but lately the up's are few and far between, and the down's are far more frequent and far more depressing. I feel as if we have sort of grown apart. We have tons in common still, quite obviously, but there is no spark in our day-to-day interactions. Moreover, there are some baser man-vs-woman issues going on under the surface which I already alluded to above. I feel like I am at last in control of who I am, what I want/need out of life, and understand better than ever what makes me happy and what ticks me off.
Lately she seems to have little respect for my opinion on important matters such as our finances, planning our future, and even things like growing up in general. She just went back to school for her Ph.D. in the medical field, refuses to work (which I am fine with), but also refuses to do things around the house, etc. other than basic laundry here and there, and maybe some light cleaning around the house. I am not the kind of guy who expects a full 3-course meal on the table when I get home, but it would be nice to not have to beg for it, when I often cook after 10+ hour days all week long. She also wants to continue on drinking-until-blacked-out every weekend, which I have grown out of. I still do it with her, but it's always because I feel weird not hanging out when we do have a chance to be together without day-to-day worries. I feel like I'm essentially being guilted into it. There are plenty of other things like this that are "stupid" or "minor" to her, but to me, it's just not who I want to be any longer.
She does not listen to me about our finances, merging bank accounts, getting married, having kids, any of that stuff. She's 110% not the type to cheat, but she goes out a lot with her friends, and doesn't invite me. I don't really have a ton of guy pals, and when we do hang out it's mostly during the week, doing some domestic shit. So there's this new rift where we are spending tons less time together in general. To make matters worse, this situation sucks for me because I don't really know how she feels, and I'm afraid to bring it up just yet before I do some more thinking on it. Almost all of our friends are mutual friends, so I really don't have anyone in my circle that I can trust enough to talk to about this with, thus, I am turning it loose here.
Hopefully I can at least get some tidbits of kind advice which might help guide me to some more objective conclusions about the situation. I am wrought with anxiety over this right now. It's the holidays, and I don't want to do anything rash and ruin that, but I want to spend the next few days apart thinking this through before I bring it up to her after the New Year. I am also stricken with a sinking feeling in my gut that says, "you are going to break her world in half," but then I also have the logical guy on my shoulder saying, "Face it, you're not happy anymore. #sadface" She's a great woman, but I'm not sure we're great for each other any longer, I guess sums it up.
TL:DR, I believe that I'm falling out of love with someone I've been with for a long long time, and I don't know if I need to own up to this and figure out how to fix it, discuss ending the relationship with her and see how amendable she is thereafter to change, or maybe something else entirely different as a solution that I hadn't thought of.
#help
- autoflavour0
strangely, i bothered to read your whole post..
look, 13 years is a long time..
if you are feeling like you describe, its pretty clear what you are had is gone and what is left is more a safety blanket than a relationship.without knowing you personally, and going from only the information provided here, it is clear to me that you need to end it, quickly.
no drawn out trial separation bullshit, no trying to resolve your issues.. 13 years is enough time to test that shit..
- autoflavour0
as for breaking her world in half, by the sounds of it, neither of you are that emotionally attached to that world anyway.. it sounds to me that its more you are together because its routine than anything..
- autoflavour0
i can only offer black and white..
but if what you write is accurate, as an objective outsider, it sounds like its over.
- honest0
A friend of mine broke up with his gf of 10 years on the year they were to marry. Yes it was difficult, the girl went through a very crazy period, but she and my friend managed to move on and subsequently went on to live better lives.
- CanHasQBN0
Scorpions. Get lots and lots of black scorpions.
- GET THEM.CanHasQBN
- i have to stop doing drugs.CanHasQBN
- lol manernexbcn
- can you buy a poisonous one?
ArchitectofFate
- inteliboy0
The worst thing would be to break it up and then be "that guy" who has to loose everything to see how good it was. Sounds like you need to do something drastic, but make it about yourself, not her. Detangle your lives from each other a bit.
Also, don't be naive. I thought a long term gf would never cheat or ever have those thoughts... Years after learnt quite the opposite.
(ps sorry that you just blew your cover... mod delete time?)
- Ianbolton0
Maybe have a kid, that'll take your mind off the mundane relationship.
Seriously though, it's hard to understand what you have until it's gone. 13 years is a massive relationship, but by the sounds of things it's not sounding great. Do you love each other? Are you at least friends? Do you think you'd stay in touch if you split up? I can't even imagine being with the same woman for that long. They bore the shit out of me after a year or two!!- We are pretty much tight still. We love each other, I just don't think we're as closely aligned any longer.scaredshitless
- I think in the event of a split, we would still be good friends. We're both adults over here.scaredshitless
- I think that maybe a lot of this is just me also, and who I am.scaredshitless
- For instance, if we did split, I don't know that I would date for a long long time.scaredshitless
- I wouldn't know the first thing about dating.scaredshitless
- "Maybe have a kid"
yeah and if it still doesn't work out you can sell it.moldero
- scaredshitless0
intelliboy: I have had numerous thoughts similar to what you suggested. Maybe i need a personal solo vacation or something
The cheating thing I am positive on. I definitely respect that there are plenty of women out there who flip their tune, but my gal is not that type. She is dignified enough to break it off before something like that happens.
Shit happens, no worries.
- CanHasQBN0
Post pics.
- hahaIanbolton
- lol, sorry man. couldn't possibly.scaredshitless
- alright man. let me know if you change your mind.CanHasQBN
- sine0
i have not been in this situation, but i have observed it...
my father divorced my mother after 25 years of marriage (i was 20 at the time, and it had been a long time coming). i'm pretty close with both my parents, and it is without a doubt one of the hardest things my dad has ever done in his life. they married young. people grow apart. but my dad needed to get out and move on with his life before it was too late to get another chance at happiness. it seems selfish, but look out for number one first... you. it took a long time for my mother to deal with it, but they are both better off for it. they're happier people.
- Ianbolton0
There really is no answer to this. You either both sit down and discuss things completely openly or you admit defeat. Neither is easy, but then neither is dating and starting all over again. At least starting all over again COULD be exciting!!
- autoflavour0
I agree, SCORPIONS are the answer to all your problems...
- monospaced0
I don't know why, but this happens at QBN once-in-awhile. Fascinating.
- vaxorcist0
my ex and I were together for years too, only we were married all but the first few months....
At first she was crazy about me, and I was crazy about her, the love was close, the sex was amazing, then, about 7 years in, something changed, she seemed to hate the ground I walked on, the vibe changed, she didn't want to even touch me, but she became more and more financially dependent on me, and she was back in grad school....
...and she left me for a woman, we got divorced, ....
It was not fun, and a financial disaster, but I've found a true love, and I'm re-married years later....
you deserve real love, I have no idea if your situation is like mine was, but I'm just saying my truth here....
- vaxorcist0
it does sound like she's systematically trying to dissassociate... i.e. run away from something inside her she'd rather not face..... I have no idea what that is.... but she's in a bind of some form...
....maybe she'll be relieved to talk to you about it, but setting the groundwork for that conversation may be really, really hard...
- fyoucher10
Went through the same exact shit with my wife, except we have a family so it's a little different in perspective. But, gaaaaah, nearly identical with the lil' tidbits (we're doing well now tho). Listen, sounds like you need to sit down with her and talk about it. There's probably a good reason that you were together for that long. 13 years is a hell of a lot of time to just throw away. Sounds like it's been deteriorating and no one has said anything and it's just been building up for so long.
Maybe you two are better off separate but maybe there's still something there. Think you both need to sit down and discuss things like grown-ups do. Tell her EXACTLY what you said here. Hell, send her a letter so she can digest it.
If it's been 3 good years and 10 shitty years, that's one thing (yeah, give her the boot). But if it's been 11 good years and the last couple of years seem a bit crappy, you might want to think it over and talk to her about it.
- d_rek0
Damn, Bro. Need to talk about something?
- panacea0
Two words: DUMP HER
You'll end up even unhappier and bordering on suicidal if you continue this relationship.
*also, I wouldn't ask an Internet board full of snotty-nosed designers for advice.
- listen, i wipe my nose with tissues..autoflavour
- I wipe my ass with my hand like Indians do, what's your point?panacea
- i guess my point is to remember not to shake your handautoflavour
- monkeyshine0
Girl perspective alert. Everyone here is so quick to say move on. 13 years is a long time. Honor your relationship and put in the effort and energy to see if you guys can work through this. It will take both of you and maybe you'll need a mediator (therapy) but at least try. Maybe it's time for you both to move on; this is very common for people who get together in college and then they grow up and realize they've outgrown one another. But you won't know for sure until you try. It sounds like you both are at fault...why don't you have your own friends?? Maybe you're putting too much pressure on your girl by relying on her too much. Go get a life and some friends.
Fix yourself and try to fix your relationship. If it doesn't work, you'll be that much further ahead when you move on.
- thanks for adding thisvaxorcist
- fuck that, based upon your initial post, GET THE FUCK OUT! "Refuses to work!?" Fuck that noise bro.panacea
- and what's with the 'Fix yourself" shit, how the fuck do you know he needs to be fixed? Typicalpanacea
- Yeah, girls are always trying to "fix" people. Fuck that shit.monospaced
- Have you ever been in a long term relationship, P? Sounds like you could use some fixing.monkeyshine
- Your assumptions make for crude generalizations. The mother of all fuck-ups.panacea
- haha, that's rich coming from you, panacea. You're the king of generalizations.Jaline
- I personally would leave the relationship, but I think monkeyshine has a good point about thoroughly discussingJaline
- monkeyshine, what was the longest relationship you have had? im guessing not 13 yearsautoflavour
- it first, and making an effort. You both have to be in it though. And just as others were picking up on the cluesJaline
- about her not wanting to work in or out of the house (could be due to school though), monkeyshine picked up on the fact that maybe d needs more of a social life.Jaline
- fact that maybe d needs more of a social life. But first, massive discussion time.Jaline
- Jaline, you sound like an 18 year old. Hilarious, this joint. I don't know what fucking board you're reading, I don't generalizepanacea
- 14 years is my longest relationship. Just sayin it takes two-work on yourself. Why controversial?monkeyshine
- generalize. I deal in specifics based upon logic and facts, which in this case are his statements, again typical.panacea
- Uhmmm, he's mad an effort, it's called 13 years and the party is over, the lust has fizzled, bye bye.panacea
- why the anger, panacea? Is everything a fight with you? don't have a coronary, my friend.monkeyshine
- panacea, you are generalizing. Every other sentence you say is, "all women do this. typical behaviour" instead of lookingJaline
- at it case by case.Jaline
- http://static.fjcdn.…autoflavour
- blah blah blah, bottomline the chick is boring you, get out.panacea
- panacea0
You'll feel like a jerk for about a month and then liberated as all hell two weeks later, full of life and vigor. Again, get the fuck out of that relationship. Mind you, I'm basing this off of your statements. Life is short, no need to pain yourself with burdens, which it seems like she is 100%.