Joke of the Day
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- GeorgesII0
My wife found me in the kitchen in the middle of the night, naked, with a pot on my head and a gun in my hand...
"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.
"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.
She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"
I blinked, realizing how stupid I looked.
"I guess you're right! Man I must look like and idiot!" I said.
She laughed.
I laughed.
The toaster laughed.
I shot the toaster.
All in all, a good night.
- airey0
why do you put a baby into the food processor feet first?
so you can see the expression on it's face.
- BusterBoy0
A dyslexic bloke walks into a bra...
- elahon0
The average speed of ejaculation is 28mph, which is probably why I was arrested for doing it outside a school.
- WhiteFace0
How many children with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?
Let's go ride our bikes!!!
- BuddhaHat0
Some gags from Edinborough Fringe 2016:
“Apparently one in three Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit.” Mark Smith
“I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn’t much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer ... came second.” Will Duggan
“Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?” Annie McGrath
“Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.” Jordan Brookes
- airey0
why can't the baby turn around in a corridor?
- it's got a javelin through it's head.
- GeorgesII0
Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dump Schitt, a high school drop-out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Scherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. They created a bumper sticker and made millions. You've probably seen it...
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them and inform them of your more than deep knowledge of the family tree.
- JazX0
Why do immigrant people smell?
...So blind people can hate them too...
- airey0
What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume!
- georgesIII1
A man walks into a bar with a dog, tells everybody "This is the smartest dog, Butch, he can even talk!"
The dog says "Yep, I can talk."
A guy at the bar says "That don't prove he's the smartest dog!"
The man says "Okay, I'll prove it, then. Butch, here's five bucks, go buy me a newspaper." and he gives the dog five bucks and the dog leaves.They wait, one hour, two hours, three hours, Butch never comes back, so they go out looking for him. And they find him right behind the bar shagging a lady dog!
The man says "Butch, what the hell, you've never done this before!"
Butch says "Yeah, well, I've never had the money before."
- airey0
How do you know when a baby is a dead baby?
The dog plays with it more.
- dijitaq0
A bearded, middle eastern man boards a plane and as soon as he got on he shouts 'hijack!". The other passengers are scared shitless, but one guy at the back stood up and says, "Hi Ahmed, didn't expect to see you here."
- airey0
What's the difference between a dead baby and a Styrofoam cup?
A dead baby doesn't harm the atmosphere when you burn it.
- bigtrickagain0
A woman is in the hospital on april 1st giving birth. It's a difficult one - the doctor is between the woman's legs yelling "PUSH! PUSH!" and the woman is screaming "AAAUUUUUGH!" The doctor yells "I CAN SEE THE HEAD! PUSH HARDER" and the woman screams "AAAAAHHHH" and puuushes and the baby pops out into the doctor's hands.
He looks at it for a minute, then suddenly he throws it down on the ground, stomps on its head, picks it up, and throws it against the wall! The woman yells "OMIGOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY BABY?!?"
The doc starts laughing and says "Haha april fools! It was already dead!"
- hahaha.airey
- You will have your own room in hell for that one... Coldnecromation
- LOLOLOL. I laughed. Good shit.dMullins
- helloeatbreathedrive3
My girl broke up with me saying I'm childish.
So I rang her doorbell and ran away.
- elahon0
"People are so defensive, especially women, ya know. C’mon ladies. I offered a girl a tic-tac one time. Ya know what she says to me “Oh do I need one? Is it my breath? Do you think I need one?” I’m like, I’m just trying to be nice. If I was going to give you something you needed I would give you mustache wax and a t-shirt that says ‘One Cock at a Time.’"
-Dave Attell