Ways to Die?

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  • scarabin

    I’m making a fortune-telling machine (like Zoltar) that predicts how you’ll die. Chatgpt is corny as hell, and Claude 2 straight said “no”. Got any suggestions? The best ones will be used in the machine.

    This is what i’ve got so far:

    At the end of your life, you will drown in cheese. Literal cheese.
    You, my friend, will die of sheer astonishment.
    You will be shaken to death by a great earthquake.
    You will drown in a sea of knowledge.
    You will dance your way into the heart of a volcano.
    You will vanish in a puff of glitter. It will get everywhere.
    You will get lost in a labyrinth of dreams.
    You will slip on a banana peel and fall into a time vortex.
    You will turn into a ghost emoji and get trapped in a smartphone.
    You will be transformed into a statue after gazing at a basilisk.
    You will die in a tragic thumb wrestling match.
    You will be crushed to death by a mountain of gold.
    You will be nibbled to death by bunnies.
    You will discover the secret of immortality and die of boredom.
    You will travel into the past and accidentally step on a butterfly.
    You will fall to your death while trying to discover why cats always land on their feet.
    You will vanish after mistaking a black hole for a shortcut to another galaxy.
    You will suffer a tragic accident while playing twister with a unicorn.
    You will be crushed to death by a bookshelf containing all of your unread books.
    You will die instantly while trying to dive into a silo full of gold like Scrooge McDuck.
    You will vanish mysteriously after mistaking a teleportation device for a telephone booth.
    You will meet your end after going skydiving without a parachute.
    You will be beaten to death by grammar police.
    You will be frozen in time after becoming indecisive while reading a choose your own adventure book.
    You will learn how to fly but not how to land.
    You will sail off the edge of the world while arguing with a flat-earther.
    You will become trapped in a wardrobe while trying to reach Narnia.
    You will challenge a squirrel to a nut-gathering contest and get carried away.
    You will burst after winning a hot dog eating contest.
    You will be crushed to death by candy after striking a giant pinata.
    You will achieve fame as a fire safety instructor and die in a blaze of irony.
    You will starve to death after becoming enamored by your own reflection in a funhouse
    You will freeze to death while making love to a snow-man.
    You will join a family of chameleons and disappear forever.
    You will die of diabetes after discovering a portal to candyland.
    You will learn that otters have pockets where they keep their favorite stones, and then die of cuteness overload.
    You will slip on a banana peel. Just kidding. You get shot in the face.
    You will get carried away by seagulls while eating french fries at the beach.
    A tree will erupt from your body after you accidentally swallow a seed.
    Your brain will be eaten by spiders after one lays eggs in your ear while you sleep.
    You will make wings out of cheese, and fly too close to the sun.
    You will die of boredom while watching Doctor Who.
    You will fart after swallowing gum and the bubble will carry you away.
    You will be pickled by the pee in a public swimming pool.
    You will die of poison after discovering that urinal cakes aren’t really cake.
    You will be shot while trying to summon a Patronus in a gun fight.
    You will literally rave to the grave.
    You will get covid from a fortune-telling machine.
    You will be shot by zookeepers after throwing pokeballs at gorillas.
    You will snort a dubious powder at a festival and get tangled in the threads of time and space.
    You will die in a fire while attempting to deep-fry mountain dew.
    You will meet your shocking demise while making toast in the bathtub.
    You will be clubbed to death by a lightsaber after telling a star wars fan to live long and prosper.
    You will slip into the tank of poo while trying to take a selfie in a portapotty.
    You will trip on a tent stake and drown in a cuddle puddle.
    You will be crushed to death while trying to steal the catalytic converter from an art car.
    You will die of sticker shock while buying groceries.
    You will become trapped in a revolving door while trying to make a dramatic entrance.
    You will fall off a treadmill while trying to film yourself at the gym.
    You will melt in a rainstorm because you’re so sweet. Aww.
    You will die of sheer smugness while showing off your yoga skills.
    You will be crushed to death by a pile of healing crystals.
    You will set your own tent on fire while burning sage.
    You will be the one NOT leaving the thunderdome.
    You will get hit by a bus while attempting to astrally project across the street.
    You will die of embarrassment when your friends discover your erotic harry potter fan fic.
    You will challenge the spirits of the netherworld and become a puppet in their twisted game.
    You will awaken the wrath of ancient spirits and be consumed by them.
    You will engage in a chess match with Death and become checkmated.
    You will be eaten by an evil witch after nibbling her candy house.
    You will die of shame once people find out about that jar under your bed.
    You will die because you forgot the Alamo.
    You will be run over by the world’s slowest truck.
    You will die because you shot the sheriff, but not the deputy.
    You will fall into a giant vat of chocolate.
    You will be strangled to death by an wacky inflatable tube man.
    You will trip while running with scissors.
    You will die while playing hopscotch in a minefield.
    You will die of old age while waiting for the final Game of Thrones book.
    You will trip over a pile of tuna and roll into a pit full of kittens.
    You will set fire to your own head in a Tik Tok challenge.
    You will drown after rolling down the window in a submarine.
    You will explode from sneezing and farting at the same time.
    You will make the fatal mistake of combining pop rocks and soda.
    You will get quick-scoped by a 9 year old.
    You will be crushed by a pillow vending machine.
    You will be crushed by a falling satellite. But will have full bars.
    You will face the devil in a fiddle-playing contest and lose.

  • cherub1

    You'll get eaten by a bear while hiking in Alaska. (scary to me!)
    You'll drown during a tsunami.
    You'll touch fentanyl or a derivative accidentally and overdose before ppl realize what's wrong.
    You'll die in a California wildfire.

    • I'll take most of everything on Scarabin's list except being an emoji. I hate those things.CyBrainX
  • YakuZoku3

    You will slip on a banana peel. Just kidding. You get shot in the face.

  • scarabin2

    You will die in an attack by a zombie, and then again by a zombie hunter.
    You will die now unless you pay three easy installments of $19.99.
    You will die now unless you like and subscribe.

  • zardoz1

    You will die in a prison riot
    You will die in a school shooting
    You will die in a home invasion
    You will die by Soweto necktie
    You will die in a disco fire
    You will on the way home
    You will die

  • sted1

    You will die because you forgot to breathe.

  • Gardener1

    You will die because you took an experimental vaccine (only kidding of course)

  • Nairn1

    You will die alone, forgotten and unloved.



    • In a hotell roomdrgs
    • with a bedsheet around your neck,sted
  • imbecile1

    You will love your wife deeply and bear a beautiful child together before finding her cheating on you with your boss when you then commit murder / familicide / suicide and die.

  • CyBrainX1

    I'm really sorry, but I can't provide information or predictions about specific personal events like the time or manner of a person's death. It's important to focus on living a healthy and fulfilling life. If you have any concerns about your health or safety, I encourage you to reach out to a medical professional or a mental health counselor.

    • ChatGPT?Nairn
    • I’m actually looking forward to Elon’s AI, if it means i won’t have to deal with this shitscarabin
  • imbecile1

    You will die being disemboweled by a kangaroo

  • imbecile1


    Attacked by a rogue ostrich.
    Trampled during a surprise cattle stampede.
    Engulfed by a carnivorous plant at a botanical garden.
    Swallowed by a whale while scuba diving.
    Struck by a stray cannonball from a historical reenactment.
    Mauled by a zoo animal during an unexpected escape.
    Stuck in an old-timey bear trap on a hiking trail.
    Crushed by a runaway grand piano from a window.
    Drunk a beverage that had a lethal jellyfish tentacle in it.
    Trapped in an antique iron maiden bought from an estate sale.
    Attacked by a circus performer's "tame" lion.
    Fell into a sewer and was swept away by a torrent of rats.
    Lost inside a corn maze and succumbed to a secretive cult ritual.
    Choked on a rare coin while inspecting its authenticity.
    Pulled underwater by an aggressive beaver while fishing.
    Trapped in a medieval torture museum during a power outage.
    Electrocuted by an ornate chandelier during a storm.
    Devoured by unexpected piranhas in a luxurious hot tub.
    Crushed by a collapsing bookshelf in a secret library passage.
    Struck by a rogue coconut in the middle of a city.

  • Continuity2

    A rogue experiment at CERN rips the fabric of space-time exactly where you're sitting, turning you inside out.

  • Continuity1

    A freak accident at MIT sends you back in time to the 8th century AD at Chichen Itza, where the local Mayans offer you up as human sacrifice.

  • Continuity2

    Sadako Yamamura crawls out of your monitor as you're watching the original Japanese 'Ring' film.

  • Ianbolton1

    You will be sadly run over by a large steam roller, feet first.

    • but then you'll spring back to life, flattened when it's revealed you're actually a toon and always have been?sarahfailin
    • haha, yep. Roger Rabbit syleIanbolton
  • Fax_Benson1

    You are bludgeoned to death by Rikki Lake

  • Ramanisky23

    You could walk into an MRI Room with a gun on your waistband.

  • sarahfailin1

    You will fall out of a balcony during Mardi Gras.
    Your heart will stop after you drink 4 gallons of water during a fraternity hazing ritual.
    You will be shot by a hick from his bedroom window as you try to steal his car stereo.
    You will be the first person infected with new zootropic pandemic disease.
    Explosive dysentery.
    You will be electrocuted by a cattle fence while relieving yourself on a moonless night.
    You will crash your propeller plane into a billboard advertising milk.
    You will attract an Alaskan grizzly bear while backpacking on your period.
    You will waste away to nothing after ignoring the gypsy woman's warning.
    You will crash your pickup truck after colliding with an owl on Highway 51.
    You will accidentally overdose on fentanyl after eating a bowl of Froot-Loops containing a hidden stash.

  • kaiyohtee1

    • \m/scarabin
    • Listening to this album while building the electronics :)scarabin
    • ha! I ain't one for poetry, ain't one for prose...I sure get a kick out of that Beavis and Butt-head showkaiyohtee
  • Continuity4