Excerpts from my memoirs
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- Spookytim
Tuesday 14th May 1998.
Woke early. Couldn't face Porridge.
Still no sign of my fishing socks.
- Mimio0
...thanked the Lo®d for my budding wholesale snack food empire...
- TheBlueOne0
Just get to the bit when the sorcerer shrinks your penis...
- capsize0
Sunday 19th May 1998
Went to Chinese
Restaurant with Candy.
It was shit.
- TheBlueOne0
Monday 13th May 1998.
Stayed out late. Picked up some chick down at O'Donnell's Pub. She said her fucking name was Porridge of all things. Who the hell has that kinda name? Well, never being the sort to let a weird name get in the way of shagging a ripe one, I got on with the nasty business at hand. I woke up before sunrise and the Porridge chick was gone. She left behind some funky smelling socks. Never again...
- Corvo0
"Wednesday 15th May 1998.
Went to bed early last night - but had this strange dream;
Somehow, a pangolin was playing an harpsichord
wearing a pair of funny English fishing-socks.
I laughed out loud and woke up with an uncanny sense of premonition."
- 7point340
Thursday 16th May 1998.
Decided i needed some fresh air.
Apartment smells of deer urine and marijuana. Can't remember why.
Put on my dong helmet, got on my moped and went for a ride into town.
- 7point340
Friday 17th May 1998.
Townspeople aren't as friendly to me when i wear my dong helmet.
Or maybe it's the fact that i forgot to wear anything else.
Spent afternoon washing tomatoes and feces off my moped.
- Llyod0
I remember eating toasted cakes and minced pie off of your mum's bum
- HAHAHA
A wonderful entry, so reminiscent of the good old days.Spookyhome
- HAHAHA
- TheBlueOne0
Saturday 18th May 1998.
That lunatic with the penis hat was out and about again today. He was naked, except for a backpack, riding his tricycle. I got stuck behind him at the corner stop sign, what a fucking site that was. I yelled at him to get off the street and put on some clothes for crying out loud. He pulled over to the side, stared at me oddly and then pulled a pen and black notebook and scribbled furiously in them. An odd duck indeed. Then he asked me if I had seen his socks and then started petting his tricycle and muttering something about a moped...
- Spookyhome0
Saturday 16th of Arsenal 1444
Dined with Le Compte De Marquis, such fine company.
Larks tongues were over-done, Fothergill should be flogged.Le Compte spoke of dark things from the East. Orientalist marauders 10,000 strong under the lead of a merciless bloodthirsty Khan. They cut a murderous a swathe through to the mediterranean on route to Europa, their rapid progress rumoured to be the result of small Japanese Motorbikes which fold up and can be carried in canvas sports bags.
Must get my fishing slippers basted before the season commences.
Growing rather fond of porridge, to my great surprise.
- KKHHHAAAAAANNNN!!!!!TheBlueOne
- ahhaha @ folding motorbikes.Corvo
- Corvo0
Sunday 19th May 1998.
In spite of the thunderstorm, someone manage to climb my garden fence and steal all my socks. Rather intriguing. Why just the socks? Later, in the news, I heard the same thing was happening all over Europe and also in the United States. Weird.
- 7point340
Monday 20th May 1998.
Some the tomato juice and goose shit that the villagers threw at me ate away at the solid gold paint i have on my moped. Also found gum embedded in the ignition. Bunch of savages. Finally received a letter from the government about my petition regarding legalizing the practice of penis sorcery. They said they could tell all the names were written in my handwritting, and that i fell short of the required one thousand names by about 929 and a third.
Hope to alphabetize my toenail clippings today. There's never time.
- TheBlueOne0
Tuesday 21th May 1998.
I've about had it with the freak down the corner. Sunday night he was up and about til all hours of the night with some sort of PA system set up. He had covered himself in some sort of gold paint and pranced about naked on his veranda reading excerpts from Hunter S. Thompson's "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" through the sound system. His neighbors started throwing garbage at him. I won't resort to such uncivilized tactics so I went to his home first thing this morning. He was sitting in the driveway, still covered in the gold paint applying thousands of Bazooka gum wrappers to his tricycle with rubber cement. Again, he asked me if I "liked his moped", I'm not sure what that is code for? Some sort of street slang? I tried to reason with him to get him to behave, their are children about here and we're all quite concerned about our property values, not to be crass about it, but it's true. I think he tried to see my point, and then inquired if I too had received any correspondence from the government. When I told him no, he sidled up to me and warned me quietly to keep an "eye on my jewels as there are sorcerers about." I have serious doubts that he will heed my warning to calm it down.
- flavorful0
Thursday, 12th March 1998
Dear Diarrhea,
So my Homeroom Teacher gave me detention yesterday, and I yet again hit the number to get an automatic suspension. Which in itself is quite a feat because I technically only see him 15 minutes a day if I even show up, and I've never had him as a teacher as I was in those dorky advanced English courses when I was a Freshman, and he was the normal Freshman English Teacher.
So instead of getting my suspension [editor's note: which ... I think I was already suspended three times this school year], I was to serve detention in his classroom, and he would come into work early and I would help him grade papers and stuff.
This was a favor he did for me.
So in return, I woke up like I did every morning early as all hell to walk to school and hope for a PAT bus to come along otherwise I'd be walking over a mile to show up at 7AM to normally stare at a wall for an hour but at least this was going to be a little different.
He thanked me for showing up like I said I would because he wasn't sure I was actually going to come, and he proceeded to hand me a stack of papers and an answer key (which I jokingly told him I didn't need ... except I wasn't joking).
I graded teh first few papers to his liking so much and my attention to detail was more than what he expected he never thought once that he had to check my others.
Then I started giving people F's, and crossing out obvious correct answers and putting stuff like, "It's the Hamburglar you fucking dolt.", "Your mother should have swallowed you.", or, "I can't believe it's not butter purple monkey dishwasher!"
And I tried writing like him from what I saw over the years on numerous detention slips he had given me in the past, the actual hand writing.
It worked beautifully I found out in retrospect later in the day.
Kids had no idea what was going on, but were afraid to question him for whatever reason.
Except later on in the day this kid I knew from grade school caused a big stink.
Because I wrote, "Michael, I think you're cute and really want to show you how much I love you. Please stay after school, don't worry about your bus I'll drive you home. Love, Mr. M" A++++++
He was so flabbergasted that he didn't remember that I had graded the papers, and it looked like he wrote it and I tried for that class to leave all the other comments to a minimum so it looked like it was real as opposed to everyone getting funny comments in that class.
Humongous stink.
Short story long Diarrhea, I came forward and said I wrote it as a joke to my friend.
[Editor's Note: Long story short, the teacher in question was never the same.]
I didn't get suspended but now I got a month of detention or something which doesn't matter because I have so many accumulated that I was pretty much in detention every day as it was anyway.
What a jerk though.
I believe I taught him a valuable lesson though.
Don't trust Jerome with anything.
[Addendum Monday, 13th April 1998]
Dear Diarrhea,Apparently when I wrote, "Don't trust Jerome with anything." a few weeks back, that actually meant for Mr. M to not trust any student in the entire school and transferred out.
Well, we all thought he was gay anyway.
[Addendum Monday, 20th April 1998]
Diarrhea Face,I just got word that Mr. M has quit the teaching profession entirely. How ridiculous is that?! Some of the teachers here are pretty angry at me, but I don't see how this is my fault. What a flaming bag of douche.
[Addendum Wednesday, 23rd April 2008]
Dearest of Diarrheas,It's been over 10 years and I never heard of that teacher again. I wonder if he's living under a bridge or something.
I can't even remember what the -M stood for in his name.
Maybe he's dead.
Meh.
XOXO,
Fatso- Well, you certainly killed that narrative dead.TheBlueOne
- goddammit reuttiger!7point34
- skt0
cunt
- 7point340
Thursday 23rd May 1998.
The Ogre is after my toenail clippings.
He saw me organizing them, and couldn't help but amble over to investigate -- NO, to spy on me. His breath smells of decay. Asked me if I knew wehre any small children were playing. He eats them. No doubt in my mind. His hands were still red. Probably stained from the tomatoes. Maybe it's blood. Children's blood.
I broke into his house and took a shit in his fridge. Ogres hate human waste. It's a fact.
- Jaline0
I KNEW THIS WAS A SPOOKY THREAD!!!!!