Crap jokes
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- shant0
two penguins are taking a bath.
first penguin says "hey dude pass the soap."
second penguin says "holy shit, a talking penguin."
- ********0
a blonde walks into a bar.
she orders a beer.
bartender says: Anheuser-Busch?
blonde says: Fine! How's your cock?
- mikeyf0
Two nuns in a bath, ones says,
"Where's the soap"the other says
"Yes it does"
- ********0
There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted in front of my wife."
The drunk replies, "I'm sorry, I didn't know it was her turn."
- ********0
This guy in a bar walks up to the bartender and says, "I'll bet you 100 bucks that I can piss into a shot glass and not get a drop on you or your bar."
The bartender says, "Okay you're on," and sets a shot glass on the bar.
The guy gets up on the bar and pisses all over the bar and the bartender.
"You didn't even get a drop in the glass. Now pay up," laughs the bartender.
After giving the bartender his money he walks over to a pool table surrounded by five men.
After a couple of minutes go by, he walks back over to the bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "You know that was the easiest 100 bucks I have ever made. Why did you bet something so stupid?"
The man replies, "See that group of guys by that pool table there?"
The bartender nods.
"Well I bet them $500.00 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you'd be happy about it."
- sexypixel0
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says
"I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Just because he's cross-eyed??"
"No, because he's really heavy."
- Daddy0
Christopher Reeve walks into a bar.
Ha ha!
- ********0
Mike Hawk walks into a bar... there he meets Mike Hunt and his little friend Mike Lit...
they drank all night...
Mike Hunt starts to make funny noises_
which made Mike Hawk puke_
Mike Lit felt left out and demanded answers from Mike Hawk__
- sexypixel0
CNN/Reuters: News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi Primary School and detained 6th Grade teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar. Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator.
US President George W Bush argued that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq indeed posses weapons of maths instruction.
- BoozeMan0
That was crappy.
- Dan230
Sexpixel, that last one was really bad..
but if you thought that was bad:
Where does Saddam keep his cd's?
In a racksorry, I said it was bad
- metonym0
Two Artic poachers are amist a hundred clubbed seals. One guy says to the other: "Geez, I got a headache"
- rebooted0
Darth Vader says to Luke Skywalker: "I know what you are getting for Christmas, Skywalker"
"How?" replies our hero.
Vader replies "I have felt your presents"!
- rebooted0
A man walks into his doctors. The doctor asks the man why he is there. The man replies, "It's my penis, I would like you to take a look at it". The doctor says, "Very well then, if you get up onto the bed and get it out I'll have a look for you" The man jumps up onto the bed and produces a 12-incher from his underpants. After about five minutes examining it, the bemused doctor says, "I have to say, I can't see anything wrong with it." To which the man replies, "I know, it's a fucking beauty, eh?!"
- sexypixel0
"I have felt your presents"!
haha ha, fucken hell. jesus wept!
- peanuts0
i dont know if you heard this.
if yes. crap.**
How can you tell when a woman is not wearing any underwear?
ANSWER: By the dandruff on her shoes.
- unknown0
how do you sink an Irish Submarine?
Knock on the door
- curtis0
When does Saddam Hussein have his breakfast?
After Tariq Aziz
- Redmond0
We need to send these to Readers Digest.
- rebooted0
A woman went into a pet shop to find a beautiful parrot. She saw one that she liked and asked how much. The owner said it was only £50. Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner told her, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of ill repute. Sometimes it says pretty rude things."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird and took it home. She hung the bird's cage up and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought that's not so bad. Later, the woman's two teenage daughters came in. The parrot looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new prostitutes." The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began to laugh.
Later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new prostitutes; same old faces. Hi George!"