Venting...
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- dMullins
I have had a pretty spotty relationship with my father my whole life. It's been off and on, mostly off though. In the past, he and I would connect by phone and chat, and it was often very boring conversations about the most inane things. It always felt very forced, very stale. About five or six years ago I read him the riot act and said basically I was sick of being toyed with, etc. etc. I had written him out of my life at that point.
Couple of weeks ago he gets back in touch with me and sends me a friend request on Facebook, and starts emailing me through there. Earlier this week he said he was coming through my area for work and told me to be available for dinner last night or tonight. I guess I should have known better, because I got stood up, sitting around the house doing nothing waiting for the call. No phone call, no email, nothing.
How many of you all have this problem in your life? How do you get past it? I've tried a lot of different things. Tried forgetting, tried telling him off, etc. Nothing seems to work. I'm still stuck with that question of "Why?" in me, and I don't know how to just accept the answer: "Because that's just how it's going to always be." As a grown man I feel like I should be able to just let this go and get on with my own life, but when he pops up every now and then I guess I still get this moment of hope that maybe things will be different this time...
Yup, I'm asking for personal advice on QBN. Ready, aim, fire...
- ukit0
Besides standing you up once, what exactly did he do that was so bad? Being a boring conversationalist isn't exactly the worst thing in the world.
Don't get me wrong, maybe he is a total asshole, it just wasn't clear from your post.
- Peter0
^ adding
whatever bad he might have done you should exercise some patience and show forgiveness. He's your dad, you'll miss him when he's gone.
- monkeyshine0
I've got one of those dads...long history of disappointment. We didn't talk for years. It's only been the last few years that I've opened up to him at all and if I get my hopes up (which for some reason can happen so easily) then I inevitably get sucker punched again. I can't say I'm entirely at peace about it all - still hurts - but I have come to accept that he is a complex, flawed man. I've had to accept him as a person and let go of the fact that he is never going to be the father I've tried to make him be my whole life.
I still cannot be close to my father; I limit my contact and am emotionally guarded. However, I am more able to appreciate and accept him as he is. The weirdest part is seeing things in me that are just like him (yowser!).
Sorry to hear...appreciate the people in your life who are able to be there for you and love you. That's what it's all about anyway..
- Lifeinvector0
How do you get past it? Acceptance, I guess. Learn not to take it personally. Make peace with it & know that his behavior really has nothing at all to do with you.
- kgvs720
I don't know what or how the relationship with your father is, but If an hour passes, I'm calling to know if I should rearrange plans. If your relationship with your father is really sour, ignore him. I know it sounds messed up, but if you and your father are always fighting about something, may be staying away from each other is your last and best resort.
- dMullins0
Well, not to get into too much detail, but my parents have been divorced since I was 5 (29 years old now). He has been missing from the picture since. Re-married three times, got a kid that's like his new charm, and my sister and I are basically non-existent to him.
It's not what he's done, it's what he hasn't done. Fuck, I don't want to open a can of worms here, but I guess it's just one of those things I have been dealing with my whole life, and was hoping I could find some solace from other peoples' experiences with this.
- Josev0
I have a similar relationship with my father. He never returns my calls. Never has called to tell me he's received any gift certificates I send (like for father's day). I do hear from him when he needs money, which gets me down. I would go to dinner with your dad. What's angering you is that he's not meeting your expectations. Maybe he's not good at communicating, sharing feelings, or whatever. Work with what you have.
- Josev0
Remarried three times? Don't blame yourself, it sounds like he's not really good at relationships.
- Yah, this is pretty much it. He's ex-military and shit, so I am sure that has a lot to do with it.dMullins
- But hell, I don't know jack shit about him, so who am I to say!dMullins
- Think of him as a person, and not your dad when you're analyzing what's going on. He sounds like he has problems making meaningful connections with people.Josev
- making meaningful connections with people.Josev
- His relationship with the new kid will probably change once he has to have an adult relationship the person.Josev
- dMullins0
@monkeyshine: Sounds like we have very similar fathers, although it does sound like you've got a lot more contact between you two than we do.
I think it's the whole getting your hopes up thing that kills me. It's like, "Okay, maybe this time it will be different," but of course it's not. I guess I have to learn that it's not going to ever change, and I've gotta move past it. It's easier said than done I guess. Like I said, I had written him off a while ago, and when he resurfaces it brings everything back in an instant, because you always hope things will change.
- monkeyshine0
yup. it sucks...fucking gets me every time even though I know that he has proven time and time again that he hasn't changed. It's because I keep wanting him to be what I want. I think deep down it's really about feeling rejected by a parent...that is hard to accept.
But I'm sure your father loves you; he just doesn't know how to be the kind of dad you need and have needed your whole life. You know the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Yeah, that. Stop expecting your father to be different when he's shown you exactly who he is.
- dMullins0
So, do I send him an email and say "Thanks for standing me up asshole!" or do I just get over it and move on?
- ukit0
Maybe he has some weird issues he is working out in terms of coming to terms with his old life...and you are catching the brunt of it
- PonyBoy0
Do not call your father an asshole (to his face or in a letter)... ... he's still your dad... even if he's an asshole...
... he's inconsiderate and self-centered for sure... but you only get one Daddy... and he's alive... ... and you're a big boy now...
(kinda had the same thing said to me a few years ago... ... as my Dad's been a pain in my ass for sometime... ... but he's my Pappy - I'm lucky to have one who wants / attempts to keep in touch (kind of like yours I guess))...
I love you, Pop!
*sniff
(damnit!... fuck this thread!!)
- locustsloth0
If you're willing to call him an asshole, why not just unleash all the stuff you shared here; the abandonment, the spite you feel for him not being in the picture, etc. May shock (and/or guilt) him into doing something meaningful. That could mean a real effort to re-enter your life or a "Screw this, i'm outta here", but at least it'll be something.
i think my dad's a bit older, but in general i think fathers of people who are now adults are in general poor communicators. Their role in the family was (stereotypically) one of authoritarian and breadwinner, leaving no time or initiative to get into the nuances of having a meaningful conversation with their offspring.
At the VERY least, you have an example for what you don't what to be if and when you eventually become a parent
- ukit0
^ What locustsloth said. Just tell him exactly what you wrote here.
If he isn't in your life anyway, what have you got to lose? And if you don't reconcile at least he'll have the benefit of understanding you.
- cannonball19780
Why do you have to stay in touch again?
- dMullins0
Sorry guys, I didn't mean that I would actually call him an asshole. Although, that is exactly how I feel about him more often than not.
@locust: That's already transpired. It didn't accomplish much other than him basically ignoring it and us not talking for several years thereafter.
I think I just need to cut ties with him entirely. It's a tough thing to do, but I've done it before.
- ukit0
Just to offer a different perspective. My dad travelled a lot during my childhood and I didn't get to spend much time with him. That led to periods in my life where I felt alienated like some of you have expressed here.
He passed away abruptly just a few years ago, he was only 55. I can now see that any complaints I might have had earlier were incredibly short sighted. Fortunately, I did realize this midway through my 20s and we spent some great times together...but it still wasn't enough time.
Bottom line: whatever your differences may be, you should try to work them out. None of us are going to around forever.
- I hear you. I think about this often. I've tried man. I don't know what else I can do.dMullins
- locustsloth0
If you cut ties, realize that it's only for your mental health and nothing else. It won't teach him a lesson. It won't bring him closer. And you'll likely regret it once he's gone.
A better strategy is to just accept that that's how and who he is, but stay open to the possibility of him coming around at some time.
It happened with my brother- and sister-in-law. My wife's dad was out of the picture for her brother's teen and early 20 yrs. And he really was resentful of that. But now he's back and making an effort (i know he calls here at least once a week) and the brother has forgiven him and accepted him back into his life.
It's like if your hand falls asleep, like you've been laying on it for hours. you can't feel it, which is frustrating. You can barely sense it's presence. You could cut it off and get rid of the problem. Or have faith that the feeling will come back.And no, i'm not suggesting you have your dad give you a "Stranger" in order to bond
- tOki0
Man I've got a very similar situation with my father, feel you there.
I've completely cut him off. At times I wish I could call him, go get a beer and watch a game. But then I remember all the times he's done wrong by my family or I and I realise there is good reason.
My parents split whilst I was overseas when I was 18. It screwed up my life for a year or two afterwards. I was virtually made homeless and told that university was no longer an option. 6 years later and he still can reduce my younger sister to a mess, and insults the memory of his own brother who commited suicide. The whole time I'm being told I'm a gutless runt and that it's obviously from my bitch mothers side of the family. He's sick in the head and I have no remorse. People like this get given so chances and always throw them away. My sisters are a testament to this and continually suffer for their efforts. I wish they could walk away like I have.
Do what you feel is right, but don't fall into a pattern of disappointment, hurt or lies. Again I don't know your father so I can't say what is right. Live your life, take care of the people around you and find happiness for yourself.
I could go on for hours lol