cry for help inspired by first legal-criminal issues/battles
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- applepirate
so im now on probation for defending myself in a fight against a guy that i was basically hiding from while his wife(and my client) finished off divorcing him for multiple reasons. main reason was that i found some really disturbing shit on the 64yr old dudes user account on the shared iMac i was using at their home/office to get a ton of work done for their company.
im now locked into staying in a county that i was only in to begin with because i was trying to be somewhere out of the way enough i would not run into the creep. guy found me where i was(girlfriends house), trespassed onto the property and after repeated civil attempts at getting him to leave he lunged at me. since i "officially" made the first move by dodging his advance and laying a solid right hook to his face i went down as the assailant.
lost my job b/c of it, which was also the house i was staying in, my only workstation with CS4 Master suite(all of my current compys left are linux boxes i used for research/OSS attempts at getting things done) because of the fight. Saw jail time. now my court proceedings are finalized and im in debt to my lawyer & girlfriend and i have no idea how to get work done outside of the adobe suite. my prospects for getting work done are so limited to the tool set of Flash-Illy-Pshop-AfterEffects-Pr... that my attempts to get similar work done with linux wares has left me with a newfound appreciation for the job that adobe software engineers have done to provide me with a nice system to get things done inside of.
losing my job i was working on for sixth months with 110% dedication and thousands of hours of projects on the horizon has left me with almost no desire to work to build back up. I know im a "jack ass of all trades... master of none" but when working for a small business and charging small amounts for your work i have found it to be very edifying for my soul. the idea of having to go back to compete for a desk job with almost no files of my porftolio of work i am truly proud of(had many lost/stolen macs and back up drives over the past 9yrs) and no mac+software to get back to work on new stuff with has left me with a new found level of depression i have no idea how to deal with.
suicide has been a very overwhelming thought for way to much of my day in the past 4 months. im debating breaking it off with my girlfriend and going with the "group home" option my probation officer is pleading for to "get back in the saddle". this is the most depressing concept to willingly leave my girlfriends house where she has an amazingly creative and talented 7yr old son that has given me my only hope since this all occurred. (ive been teaching him how to make his own video game in flashMX2004 on the computer at his school.)
This is a really long and dragging post. i know i have been flamed on here with my old moniker(curedjinx) and i have had a lot of personal craziness i have brought to the QBN/NT table b/c i find that this site gives me an outlet unlike blogging/facebook/twitter.. i feel that maybe with the freelance life i have pursued on my own for the last 6 years has some real comrades on here. that some people here might actually read a post of mine and "get it".
this is a cry for help QBN. im at the end of my rope. all i have done since 2001 is work on a mac in some way. with no mac and no creative juice left in me i really have no idea who the fuck i am. i am now a criminal. i have now seen what it is truly like to hit rock bottom. i have seen the looks on mens faces that have NOTHING to live for b/c they are sleeping on concrete in a 4x5 room for the rest of their lives. these last 5 months have wrecked me to my core and no longer know who the fuck i am.
this may be my last post. not that i will be missed i just felt like i needed to "sign off"
-christopher martin
(applepirate)
(curedjinx)
- Amicus0
Dude, I'm sure everything seems like shite at the moment, but when you are down in the gutter all you can do is look up, get up and move on. Life's challenging moments tend to be the ones that help us grow, change and embrace some of the potential that we all have to improve.
Chin up, son.
:)
- applepirate0
thanks amicus. this is a moment when something as simple as a simple to the point paragraph from a stranger on the internet is all i need to get me thru the night.
ive always known that i wasnt the best(or anywhere near) designer/developer/editor/photog... but without the outlet at all. without projects to work on and ideas to push forward i have found almost no reason to live.
my girlfriend is the best part of my life right now and im broke and hopeless so i feel like i am the worst part of hers. thinking of leaving someone(her) just to make their life better is the only positive thing i can even think to do at this moment.
- DoktorDavid0
Fair enough - life has dealt you a bad hand and you are in a rough spot. Start with the basics - you are alive and you have a roof over your head and some food in your body. Start there and then take one small step at a time. Seek out a solid third party point of view/perspective and take another step in reclaiming your life. Don't try to do it all in one big chunk; slowly but surely you'll find that path.
Hang in there.
- Fax_Benson0
Forget losing the Mac and Creative suite, you'll get those again if you want them. Concentrate on your girlfriend and her son. Best thing you can do for them isn't to leave, it's to be positive - as hard as that is. You've got a chance to work out what you really want to do. Use it.
- the mac has been my outlet for communication/writin... for almost 20 years now. its amazing how integral it became in my day to dayapplepirate
- applepirate0
my thoughts are so overwhelmingly negative/hopeless that i have found myself in such a dark place. its given me so much time to reflect on my past 9-12 years of "real life" and looking back it feels like a joke. someone elses life. like a book i cant put down. a movie i keep watching over and over and saying "wow i can really relate" but it still doesnt feel like it could possibly be the person that is in the place i am in today.
i no longer know who the fuck i am. i have dealt with severe depression bouts in the past but i always had work/family/friends/booze/thc to get me thru it. doing this all on my own for the first time is unreal. i dont know how. the horizon looks like a fight im just not capable of fighting.
- Amicus0
Fax_Benson is right. Forget about the possessions – the absolute worse thing in life is to lose your confidence. Even that has a silver lining though, cause you can control your level of confidence. Start doing the little things you know you can do well and make sure you celebrate every win – no matter how small.
Make your girlfriend or her son smile. That's a win. See a great sunset or run around the block – both wins. Do you have any trophies or medals you've won. Look at them often and picture yourself winning them.
During the worst year of my life – breaking up with the mother of my two children, being jobless and almost being evicted on numerous occasions I continually held the medals I've won from karate and visualised winning them over and over. I got very few creative gigs that year, failed miserably at a commision only sales job and finally got a crappy job moving tyres. That job barely covered the bills, and certainly wasn't the design gig I was looking for, but looking on the bright side I was fitter than I'd ever been and I had survived.
Survival itself became a win. 12 months after the breakup I started dating again and realised that life was good. It was another year or so before I got back into design, but with my confidence back I seemed to be able to date almost any girl I wanted, started winning medals at karate, strengthened my relationship with my kids and made many new friends.
My story above is only an abbreviation of the shit storm of 2005 is I've come to think of it, but things are going pretty damn good.
So work hard on your confidence, look on the bright side of things and keep hard at it.
:D
- wow. thank you for that. honestly. i cant wait to print this entire thread...applepirate
- the 7yr old smiling and the occasional "romp" with the missus have been the only things getting me by.applepirate
- applepirate0
ive poured myself into reading fiction like never before, just looking for chances to get out of my head(depression) long enough to have an epiphany.
been burning thru a solid 250-600 page novel a day for the last 10 days. catching up on all the stuff i said.... "well if i could ever just find the time to get off the mac long enough to read"
something about realizing i am "drifting" is a lot easier while reading a paperback. attempting to recall/retain what the hell the last paragraph was all about is really hard when your dwelling on personal shit. never realized what an amazing outlet a good book was until now. my ADD style of live/work having a mac on the lap with half the CS4 suite open, 3 browsers with 20+ tabs a piece, movies downloading for my future consumption was such an amazing way to tune out the real world by conning myself into thinking i was somehow more in touch with it.
the real world is now upon me. and its making me finally grow up and attempt at being an adult. i would have never expected it to take something like this to make it happen but it is what it is.
these first responses brought me out of a really deep hole i was in at 2am my time. Thx QBN(amicus,fax_benson, DoktorDavid)!
- You're welcome man - you've rec'd some good advice - small steps, bro.DoktorDavid
- drgss0
*bares toothless grin...
A-mee-ri-caaa...
- ? im puzzled by this one ?applepirate
- don't worry. no one understands himephix
- lukus_W0
Sounds like you've had a tough time. Potentially, the bad stuff you've encountered is behind you. Try not to wallow in what's happened - the past has passed. Although it's a cliché - time really does heal.
Get some help for your depression.
Things will get better. Do something specific each day to improve your situation - even if it's a small thing, it will add up.
In the short term, just focusing on your diet and exercising will improve your mental well-being. Recognise that each of the positive things you do, is actually improving your situation - it'll help you see things more positively.
It might feel like being down on yourself is the worthy thing to do - but it's actually the easy way out, because it ensures that you stay paralysed.
Focusing on the negative stuff is pointless .. it only ensures that you'll stay static; you messed up & and you've had some bad luck - you know that .. stop beating yourself up and move on.
- applepirate0
thanks lukus...
I have been a health nut(raw food and no gluten) for a while after my first move to the bay area. i know one major problem im having is being off of my raw+gluten free diet. it made all the world of differences for me psch. but when your broke and living off of someone elses shopping list its tough to be on a specific diet plan.
not being active is a severe side effect of my depression as well as a integral part of its manifestation. i keep thinking "today your gonna go run your ass off with the dog..." then it just doesnt happen. no one to blame but myself.
im trying not to dwell on the bullshit believe me. i have always had heavy doses of THC to get me out of my "negative nancy" "worst case scenario" thinking... doing it sober is really dificult.
- rson0
Dude you have an interesting life. you are either, a complete dick, have really bad luck, or you are a liar.
- the baltimore+nyc adventures were all true. looking back... also 100% my fault for lack of planningapplepirate
- applepirate0
i have been a complete dick and a liar at times. i was a major alcoholic(used to drink whiskey like it was water). and nt/qbn has lots of proof of that b/c of my liquid courage+internet veiled presence.
i have had many friends tell me my "luck" sounds like total bullshit. i gain nothing by creating fantasies of horror in my life. it happens. maybe i should stop bringing it here.
- benfal990
applepirate, i know it must be very hard to see the positive and trying to imagine the end of all this. But, you will get better. Trust me. One step at a time man. You are in the middle of the storm right now, but the storm won't be there forever. The sun will shine again afterward and it will be the most shiny sun youll ever see. Try to talk with friends and/or relatives. Or even a psychologist, it would help you a lot. Good luck :)
;-) just wanted to make you smile with the above image btw ;-)
- ali0
It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.
EpictetusLearn and be stronger...
I've found Magnesium Chloride supplement to be very effective for anxiety/depressed feelings especially if you are used to a gluten free diet.
- thx for the magnesium chloride tip... never heard that one!applepirate
- http://www.real-depr…ali
- duckofrubber0
Everything will be OK.
- utopian0
Keep your chin up, things will workout, they always do!
- scarabin0
nothing left to lose means everything to gain
start anew, my friend, slash and burn...
- sherm0
you have to pick yourself up and keep going. Everyone has rough patches, some more so than others...
Leaving is not an option, neither is suicide. Are you really going to "give up"?
Perhaps this is the time you are meant to have for yourself, stepping away involuntarily or however you want to look at it.
Sounds cliche, but keep your head up.
- DRIFTMONKEY0
"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."
~M. Kathleen Casey
