The Mitch Hedberg thread
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- airey0
http://www.hedburgh.com/quoter.p…
hedberger - random mitch quote machine!
- pantone0
"I tried to walk into Target but I missed"
- PonyBoy0
Xylophone is spelled with an "X" -- that's wrong, xylophone... ZZZZZ! X?... I don't fuckin' see it. It should be a "Z" up front. Next time you have to spell xylophone use a "Z". If someone says, "Hey! That's wrong." Say, "No it ain't... If you think that's wrong, then you need to have your head Z-rayed." It's like "X" wasn't given enough to do, so that they had to promise it more: "Ok, you won't start a lot of words. But we will give you a co-starring role in Tic-Tac-Toe. You will get equated with hugs-n-kisses... and you will mark the spot. And you make writing 'Christmas' easier. And incidentally, you will start 'Xylophone'... Are you happy you fuckin' X?"
- version30
I like to hold the microphone cord like this -- I pinch it together -- then I let it go. Then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
- version30
I got a firealarm at home. But really it's more like a 9-volt battery slowly drainer. Do you wanna slowly get rid of your 9-volt batteries? -- then buy this circle.
- version30
I was on a bus and it was the middle of the night. And I had a box of crackers and a can of EZ-Cheese -- but it was the middle of the night so I could not see. So I could not see how much EZ-Cheese I was applying to each cracker. So each bite into the cracker was a surprize as to how much EZ-Cheese I had applied, which makes me believe they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of EZ-Cheese. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad 'cause it the glows-in-the-dark, too.
- gerardm0
version3 reminds me of the ritz one..
i bought a box of ritz crackers an on the back of that box it had suggestion as to what you put on the ritz...
ritz and turkey, ritz and peanut butter.... oh come on man i just like crackers i didnt buy them cause they were little edible plates.... theres no suggestion put a ritz on top of a ritz
- 7point340
Y'know as a headliner I gotta do 45 minutes of comedy. That's a longtime. That's a sitcom and a half... for Christ's sake. I've never seen a sitcom and said, "I wanna see that character for 15 more minutes..."
- goldielox0
severed foot: the ultimate stocking stuffer
- spendogg0
i ordered a donut the other day and the lady gave me a receipt, there is no need to involve paper and ink in this transaction
- elahon0
"I wish all my clothes were made out of blankets. That way if I fell asleep with my clothes on, fuckin'-a, I'm tucked in!"
- Knuckleberry0
I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something.
one of my favorites.
- fooler20
"just one more hit and I'll stop"
- designbot0
"It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven, sometimes I'll just put one in the oven even if I don't want one...and by the time it's done, who knows"
- elahon0
You know when you go to a bar and go to wash your hands, so you go to the bathroom and they don't have any hot water. You turn on the "C" knob, cold water comes out. You turn on the "H" knob, cold water comes out. It's like fuck, you cheap bar. But I can accept that. I just want to know what "H" stands for now. "C" obviously stands for "Cold." "H" must stand for "Haha, dude. You thought this shit was hot, but it is not. Now go spread some germs."
- 93simon0
"I got an idea for sweatshops .... AIR CONDITIONING!!"
"Problem solved."
- grunttt0
this shirt is dry clean only. which means it's dirty.