The Mitch Hedberg thread
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- elahon0
Mr. Pibb is the replica of Dr. Pepper, but it's the bullshit replica because the dude didn't even get his degree. Why did you have to drop out and start making pop so soon? The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well then they fucked up! I went to a doctor. All he did was suck blood from my neck. Don't go see Dr. Acula.
- elahon0
Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way, right? McDonald's commercials end like this: "Prices and participation may vary." I want to open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I want to be a stubborn McDonald's owner. I'll say "Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets. But we are not affiliated with that clown."
- inhaler970
I did a radio interview, the DJ's first question was, "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep? Or did I drive to the wrong station.
- fugged0
still funny. still listening to his shit. still sad he's gone.
- jonny_quest_lives0
I think Bigfoot is blurry that's the problem... It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry and that's extra scary to me because there is a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside.
- jonny_quest_lives0
I like Kit-Kat's unless I am with four or more people.
- fugged0
My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?
- non0
"I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2000 of something."
- WrappedInBooks0
'I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.'
- irrelevant0
"I was asked to move away from a fire escape once. I think if you are flammable and have legs you would never actually block a fire escape."
- irrelevant0
"I think I was playing my music too loud and my neighbor banged on the wall, I told him to come around because there is no door knob on this side"
- tymeframe0
I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar, that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. That's a good invention. Before that it was hard times for the vending machine owners. "What candy bar you getting?" "That one ... and every one on the bottom row!"
- bulletfactory0
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
- bulletfactory0
I haven't slept for 10 days, because that would be too long.
- timeless0
"if you're flammable and you have legs, you're never blocking a fire exit."
- jbasnight0
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
- forcetwelve0
so much gold in here...
- Greedo0
"If you insist on believing in a benevolent God, consider the fact that Twitter launched almost exactly a year after Mitch Hedberg died."
–Guy Endore-Kaiser
- elahon0
You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy? But often times they use too many letters. "Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting." It's too many letters, man. "Hello?" "Hold on, I'm only on 'Enjoy'! How did you know I was calling? I can see why they hired you!
- gramme0
I saw a wino sitting on the corner, munching on some grapes. I said 'hey man, you're gonna have to wait.'