The Mitch Hedberg thread 7878 Responses

Last post: 9 months ago | Thread started: May 5, 09, 7:17 p.m.

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• gramme

  Everyone's getting their teeth whitened. I say, fuck that. I'll just get a tan.

  

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  Dog-earMar 8, 11, 5:39 p.m. – Permalink

• whatthefunk

  "I'm against picketing but I don't know how to show it"

  • HA– marychain

  

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  Dog-earMar 8, 11, 9:37 p.m. – Permalink

• jbasnight

  "Any book is a kid's book if the kid can read"

  

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  Dog-earMar 10, 11, 12:21 p.m. – Permalink

• tymeframe

  I got my hair highlighted 'cause I thought that certain strands were more important than others.

  

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  Dog-earMar 10, 11, 12:22 p.m. – Permalink

• timeless

  You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and it still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me . . . and toast.

  

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  Dog-earMar 24, 11, 5:39 a.m. – Permalink

• Raniator

  I saw a lady on T.V. She was born without arms. Literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders... and that was sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't.'" And that to me was kinda worse... in a way... ya know? Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's very simple, Lola, you just take two words, you put them together, then you take out the middle letter, you put a comma in there and you raise it up!

  

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  Dog-earMar 24, 11, 5:48 a.m. – Permalink

• timeless

  This product was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can’t tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death . . . the envelope will not seal . . . and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck . . . The last payment must be made in wampum!

  

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  Dog-earMar 24, 11, 9:43 a.m. – Permalink

• formula

  "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"

  

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  Dog-earMar 24, 11, 10:38 a.m. – Permalink

• moldero

  "A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef"
  sounds like a truck stop burrito

  

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  Dog-earMar 24, 11, 5:14 p.m. – Permalink

• jonny_quest_lives

  "I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut... I don't need a receipt for a donut! I'll just give you the money and then you give me the donut. End of transaction! We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I'd have to prove I bought a donut. Some skeptical friend... Don't even act like I didn't get that donut! I have the documentation right here!"

  

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  Dog-earMar 24, 11, 5:25 p.m. – Permalink

• timeless

  I once saw a wino eating grapes. I said dude . . . you need to wait.

  

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  Dog-earApr 21, 11, 9:40 a.m. – Permalink

• timeless

  it wasn't 8am this morning and I had already used two Mitch hedberg lines:

  “As a comedian, you have to start your act out strong, but you also have to save some of the good stuff for later... You can’t be like pancakes, all exciting at first, but by the end you’re fuckin’ sick of ‘em.”

  “You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.”

  

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  Dog-earNov 15, 11, 7:05 a.m. – Permalink

• tymeframe

  "I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is fucking clean."

  

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  Dog-earNov 15, 11, 7:57 a.m. – Permalink

• timeless

  Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. 'Cheeseburgers? Nope! . . . We got spaghetti and blankets. And we're not associated with that clown . . . he attracts too many children

  

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  Dog-earApr 13, 12, 1:01 p.m. – Permalink

• fooler

  I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls, but on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. And Pringles is a laid-back company -- they said, 'F**k it. Cut 'em up.'

  

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  Dog-earApr 13, 12, 1:36 p.m. – Permalink

• timeless

  I think Bigfoot is blurry - that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot . . . is . . . blurry, and that's extra scary to me.

  

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  Dog-earAug 23, 12, 7:14 a.m. – Permalink

• fooler

  I used to do drugs, I still do but I used to too.

  

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  Dog-earAug 23, 12, 9:19 a.m. – Permalink

• mantrakid

  timeless did you read the thread before you just started dumping quotes? iyaaa.

  

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  Dog-earAug 23, 12, 9:43 a.m. – Permalink