The Mitch Hedberg thread 7878 Responses

Last post: 9 months ago | Thread started: May 5, 09, 7:17 p.m.

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• non

  Post all Mitch Hedberg quotes here.

  Based off the "A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef" thread.

  May 5, 09, 7:17 p.m. – Permalink

• Tungsten

  "I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid back company, so they just said "fuck it, cut em up!"

  • haha– tymeframe1/2

    hahahahaaha– janne762/2

  

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  Dog-earMay 5, 09, 7:20 p.m. – Permalink

• tymeframe

  "A friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No', but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah."

  

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  Dog-earMay 5, 09, 7:20 p.m. – Permalink

• BrandNewly

  "An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs."

  • think I saw a t-shirt with this one, that said "warning: elevator are stairs."– mg331/2

    "sorry for the convenience, you can still get up there" lol– timeless2/2

  

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  Dog-earMay 5, 09, 7:22 p.m. – Permalink

• doesnotexist

  YES!

  I love Mitch

  

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  Dog-earMay 5, 09, 7:25 p.m. – Permalink

• Huebert

  " Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"

  • lolz
    – bliznutty

  

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  Dog-earMay 5, 09, 7:31 p.m. – Permalink

• tymeframe

  "See that? Either some one's got a hat they're not wearing, or that table is fucking hip."

  "Kangol. Man, that table is bad ass."

  • I don't get this– marychain1/4

    checkered shirt– morilla2/4

    @mary; Kangol (hat).. on.. table..– neverblink3/4

    As if the table were wearing the hat/– stoplying4/4

  

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  Dog-earMay 5, 09, 7:33 p.m. – Permalink

• fooler2

  "I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too"

  

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  Dog-earMay 5, 09, 7:45 p.m. – Permalink

• forcetwelve

  "those beavers have some kick-ass houses. forget lake-side, that shit is lake-on!"

  

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  Dog-earMay 5, 09, 7:46 p.m. – Permalink

• mg33

  "An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.'"

  That's it. Hilarious.

  • hahahah!– fyoucher1

  

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  Dog-earMay 5, 09, 7:47 p.m. – Permalink

• dijitaq

  I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

  

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  Dog-earMay 5, 09, 7:50 p.m. – Permalink

• mg33

  "I remixed a remix, it was back to normal."

  

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  Dog-earMay 5, 09, 7:50 p.m. – Permalink

• mg33

  "I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. "

  

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  Dog-earMay 5, 09, 7:51 p.m. – Permalink

• dijitaq

  I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.

  

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  Dog-earMay 5, 09, 7:51 p.m. – Permalink

• forcetwelve

  possibly the funniest stand up ever

  

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  Dog-earMay 5, 09, 7:52 p.m. – Permalink

• forcetwelve

  I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. "I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach! I will throw water at you. Hopefully they will invent a product before you shrivel and die!

  • his delivery on "I will throw water at you" makes this so great.– non

  

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  Dog-earMay 5, 09, 7:53 p.m. – Permalink

• tymeframe

  "That'd be cool if Spiderman shot hammocks instead of nets. Hey, you're not a criminal but you do need to relax. kachisssh!"

  • "Now go find two trees that are close together."– tymeframe

  

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  Dog-earMay 5, 09, 7:58 p.m. – Permalink

• tymeframe

  "I had a piece of care free sugarless gum, and I was still worried. It never kicked in."

  

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  Dog-earMay 5, 09, 8:11 p.m. – Permalink

• blackfrancis

  My house is infested by Koala Bears. It's the cutest infestation ever.

  

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  Dog-earMay 5, 09, 8:14 p.m. – Permalink

• dijitaq

  Some people think I'm high on stage; I would never get high before a show, because, when I'm high, I don't wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Like, when you're high, and a joke doesn't work, it's extra scary. It's like,"Whoa, what the hell happened there? I am retreating within myself. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated? Why am I not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand?"

  • hahahahahhaahha yES– doesnotexist1/2

    hahahaha!– nRIK2/2

  

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  Dog-earMay 5, 09, 8:14 p.m. – Permalink

• airey

  I got an ant farm... them fuckers didn't grow shit.

  

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  Dog-earMay 5, 09, 8:15 p.m. – Permalink