The Mitch Hedberg thread
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- non0
"I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2000 of something."
- gerardm0
version3 reminds me of the ritz one..
i bought a box of ritz crackers an on the back of that box it had suggestion as to what you put on the ritz...
ritz and turkey, ritz and peanut butter.... oh come on man i just like crackers i didnt buy them cause they were little edible plates.... theres no suggestion put a ritz on top of a ritz
- fooler0
I used to do drugs, I still do but I used to too.
- tymeframe0
"I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is fucking clean."
- WrappedInBooks0
'I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.'
- 7point340
Y'know as a headliner I gotta do 45 minutes of comedy. That's a longtime. That's a sitcom and a half... for Christ's sake. I've never seen a sitcom and said, "I wanna see that character for 15 more minutes..."
- irrelevant0
"I was asked to move away from a fire escape once. I think if you are flammable and have legs you would never actually block a fire escape."
- irrelevant0
"I think I was playing my music too loud and my neighbor banged on the wall, I told him to come around because there is no door knob on this side"
- timeless0
Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. 'Cheeseburgers? Nope! . . . We got spaghetti and blankets. And we're not associated with that clown . . . he attracts too many children
- tymeframe0
I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar, that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. That's a good invention. Before that it was hard times for the vending machine owners. "What candy bar you getting?" "That one ... and every one on the bottom row!"
- Greedo0
"If you insist on believing in a benevolent God, consider the fact that Twitter launched almost exactly a year after Mitch Hedberg died."
–Guy Endore-Kaiser
- mantrakid0
timeless did you read the thread before you just started dumping quotes? iyaaa.
- goldielox0
severed foot: the ultimate stocking stuffer
- bulletfactory0
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
- bulletfactory0
I haven't slept for 10 days, because that would be too long.
- elahon0
You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy? But often times they use too many letters. "Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting." It's too many letters, man. "Hello?" "Hold on, I'm only on 'Enjoy'! How did you know I was calling? I can see why they hired you!
- timeless0
"if you're flammable and you have legs, you're never blocking a fire exit."
- timeless0
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and it still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me . . . and toast.
- Raniator0
I saw a lady on T.V. She was born without arms. Literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders... and that was sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't.'" And that to me was kinda worse... in a way... ya know? Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's very simple, Lola, you just take two words, you put them together, then you take out the middle letter, you put a comma in there and you raise it up!
- jbasnight0
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.