Joke of the Day
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- DRIFTMONKEY-1
I'm writing a book on 100 things to do before you die.
Here's what I have so far.
1. Yell for help
- Fire. Always shout FIRE...it grabs peoples attention far more effectively than yelling for "help".jabstract
- GeorgesII0
Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dump Schitt, a high school drop-out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Scherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. They created a bumper sticker and made millions. You've probably seen it...
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them and inform them of your more than deep knowledge of the family tree.
- Raniator-1
Q. How do you know if someone is vegan?
A. Don't worry, they'll fucking tell you.
- GeorgesII-1
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?
.
.
.
.
A receding hare line.
- 12xu-1
A horn player who had been playing with Buddy Rich for many years came back from vacation to hear a rumor that Buddy had died. He didn't quite believe it, so he phoned Buddy's wife and said "Can I speak to Buddy please?"
Buddy's wife said, "I'm sorry, Buddy passed away last week."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," he said, and hung up.
A couple of hours later, he called her again. "Is Buddy there please?"
"No, I'm sorry. Buddy's no longer with us," said Buddy's wife. And hung up the phone.
Ten minuted later, he called Buddy's wife again. "Can I speak to Buddy please?" he said.
She recognized his voice, and said: "Look, I've told you before, BUDDY'S DEAD!" And slammed down the phone.
Two minutes later, and the phone rang again... "Is Buddy at home please?" the horn player asked.
Buddy's wife was furious. "I'm not going to tell you again, Buddy is dead.. D. E. A. D. DEAD. Why do you keep ringing me to ask for Buddy???!!!!"
He thought for a moment, and said: "I just love hearing you say it."
- drgs-3
99% of american humor is word puns
- safe and without the risk of offending.hotroddy
- worst joke in this threadchukkaphob
- not the most downvoteddrgs
- set-3
knock knock
- true_cut-3
Lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose.
No one does that to a girl... not on my watch.
- jaylarson-1
You
- dbloc-2
A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. Box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodation, but he didn't realize when he bought them, that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in New York City at 5 pm. Her name's Brenda. She will be the one in the white dress.
- akiersky-4
Not really a joke, I guess. But funny!
This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of our Workers' Compensation board.This is a true story.
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident..You asked for a fuller explanation, and I trust the following details will be sufficient:
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.
This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry.- https://www.youtube.…MHDC
- ^ HA!akiersky
- Note...any story that starts with "This is a true story" generally isn't.BusterBoy
- Nairn-2
have
have you
have you heard
have you heard the
have you heard the one
have you heard the one about
have you heard the one about traceroute
- georgesIII-2
Lost my watch at a party once.
Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl.
I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose.
No one does that to a girl, not on my watch. (
- georgesIII-2
bumpin this one too
---A Mexican once told me he had magic powers and would disappear on the count of 3.
"Uno"
"Dos"
Poof! He was gone without a tres.
- MrT-2
What do you do if you are attacked by a circus mob?
Go for the juggler.