Joke of the Day
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- fooler20
Q: Why couldn't the mummy get the zombie pregnant?
A: he had a hallow weenie
- BusterBoy0
Q: Who's the most popular bloke at a nudist colony?
A: The one who can carry 2 hot coffees and 9 donuts...
- Mal0
Q. How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One and it's not funny!
- bigtrick0
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confessional and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' ...mate, there's no paper in this stall either."
- airey0
a baby seal walks into a club.
- detritus0
[Censored by Twitter]
- BusterBoy0
a dyslexic bloke walks into a bra
- GeorgesII0
whats the difference between a/an (insert race/country) and a bag of shit?
the bag
- scarabin0
3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.
The strongest one started 1st,
"watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire"
Then the eldest one takes the next turn "watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck. "what happened??" they asked. "did you see that village over there?" "ye..yes?" "well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!"
Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, "don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose. "wh..what happened???" they asked. "did you see that big ass tree over there?" "ye..yes?!" "well.. I didn't"
- mistermik0
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, “Nearest the bull goes first” He went “Baah” and I went “Moo”
He said “You’re closest”
- mydo0
Three fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don’t serve your type in here.
- mikotondria30
Call those 'How's My Driving ?' numbers on the back of trucks and tell them it's just parked up, hasn't moved for ages.
- airey0
Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!
- drgs0
A woman sends her programmer husband to the store:
- Buy a whole roll of salami, and if they have eggs, take a dozen.
Programmer at the store:
- I would like a roll of salami. Also, do you have eggs?
- Yes we do, sir.
- Then another 11 rolls of salami.
- Projectile0
What is a wok?
it's somefing you thwow at a wabbit!!!
- georgesIII0
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party. He invited all of his friends and neighbours including Colin, the local aboriginal in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and flirting...
At the height of the party, the host said, “I've got a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the guts to jump in.”
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.. everyone turned around to see that Colin was in the pool fighting the croc. He was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his fingers, throwing punches at it's snout and biting it's tail as the crocodile snapped violently back.
There was water churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were raising hell...
Finally after a few minutes of intense struggling a calm came over the pool.. the thrashing stopped, the splashing water died down and the croc floated to the top of the pool... bobbing upside down like a dead goldfish. Exhausted and gasping for air Colin clambered out of the pool.
Everybody stood in silence, staring at him in disbelief.
The host said, “Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.”“Nah, you all right boss, I don’t want it,” said Colin.
The rich man said, “Mate, I've gotta give you something. You won a hell of a bet. How about half a million bucks then?”
“Nah thanks. I don’t wannit,” answered Colin.
The host said, “Come on, Colin, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about you take my new Porsche?
Again, Colin said “No.”
Confused, the rich man asked, “Well Colin, what do you want then?”
Colin said, “I just want to find the bastard who pushed me in.”
- airey0
why do you put a baby into the food processor feet first?
so you can see the expression on it's face.
- BusterBoy0
A dyslexic bloke walks into a bra...