Indiana Jones
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- TheBlueOne0
I expect camp and some outrageous unbelievable escapes...I mean that's just the genre..but it was just tooo much.
- kirshar120
come to think of it, the whole mind control, stare into the skull thing was done in Temple of Doom too, only with kool-aid and candles
- Jaline0
I haven't seen the film yet (as I noted before), but it sounds like it would be great to watch after getting high.
- no... it will be jsut another bad trippango
- nope. total mellow harshing of a film. serious buzzkill.OnesandZeros
- really? with all the lazers, monkeys, ants, holes, etc?Jaline
- ..and the aliens, pyramids, atomic bomb, russians...Jaline
- god i hated this movie.OnesandZeros
- wait, Jaline, since when are you getting high???e-pill
- I never have :OJaline
- CALLES0
yeah... she was like "I Must Know" shoots blue fa,es out of her eyes and bam... gone... and what was the secret power "knowledge" so stay in school all of you ;-)
- peyote.TheBlueOne
- She obviously didn't watch the first three Indy moviesukit
- Jaline0
He means
- hahahahhaah x a million. That's exactly where she went.OnesandZeros
- e-pill0
i love how the crystal/ glass skull looked plastic with Ceran-Wrap crumbled in the insides.
and WTF!@?!?@ i thought the skull was all magnetic, but Oxley was holding onto it for his life during the whole jungle chase scene, well if the fucker is magnetic wouldnt it be stuck to the car itself???
- Good point. Maybe it was just selectively magnetic...TheBlueOne
- philipdrumman0
i thought it starred MacGruber?
- ukit0
the crystal skull looked like the bottom part of a bong.
- OnesandZeros0
the whole magnetization of the skull was incredibly sketchy.
so many holes in this film.
- emukid0
has this article been posted already?
Deciphering the Indiana Jones conspiracy
You've waited years for it. You've drooled over the trailers. You've counted the days until its release. But now that you've finally seen Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, do you feel a little empty? A little disappointed that the movie didn't transform your life in any significant way? Well hopefully this will give meaning to your experience. (If you don't want any spoilers, stop reading now).
I was exploring an ancient temple system just outside Peckham last week when I discovered some strange graffiti on the walls, hidden under centuries of grime. Once deciphered, it revealed a staggering secret: the new Indiana Jones movie is actually an elaborate coded message - like the Da Vinci Code, but with better stunts. Beneath the wisecracking and whip-cracking, the film is an encrypted history of George Lucas's mission to dumb down Hollywood. I couldn't believe it at first myself, but slowly it all became clear.
The Indiana Jones character Lucas created is obviously based on himself: everyone assumes he's just a bookish dweeb, but secretly he's an intrepid and dynamic adventurer who has spent his career plundering the riches of antiquity (ie biblical myths, old samurai movies).
Marion Ravenwood (Karen Allen) is a cipher for Spielberg. She and Indy were close once, but parted ways. And while he was off on his crazy adventures (the Star Wars sequels), she was left to take care of the serious stuff, like Schindler's List and Munich.
The Crystal Skull itself represents the dark art of blockbuster movie-making - think about it: it's an EMPTY HEAD! A not-so-veiled metaphor for the brainlessness of big-budget event movies. Indy finds it in a graveyard - symbolising the death of the imagination - and journeys to bring it to a fabled kingdom, the "city of gold" (ie Hollywood), where it will sit in its rightful place alongside 12 similarly transparent crania (the other studio bosses).
As for the other characters on their quest:
John Hurt's Professor Oxley is the archetypal scriptwriter: a cultured, intelligent man who's been driven insane by spending too long in this crazy milieu. Only Indy/Lucas - the director - can make sense of his deranged ramblings.
Shia LaBeouf's Mutt is the actor - dumb and impulsive, but also youthful, energetic and totally malleable. He is driven by personal motivations and knows little about the real objective of the project.
Ray Winstone's Mac pretends to be Indy's best mate but betrays him for cash at the first opportunity - he's transparently a Hollywood agent.
And who is out to stop them?
Cate Blanchett's "baddie", Irina Spalko obviously represents the forces of European arthouse cinema. She's smart, she's highly skilled and she's RUSSIAN! They might as well have called her Ingmar Tarkovsky. Come to think of it, Irina Spalko sounds suspiciously like Istvan Szabo. Like any good arthouse director, Spalko's ultimate goal is not riches but knowledge. She's therefore the enemy.
Spalko is accompanied by an army of faceless, ineffectual footsoldiers, also known as movie critics. They fire zillions of bullets at Indy but never seem to do any damage. And if any of them should fall off a cliff, get eaten by ants or suffer similar misfortune, nobody really gives a damn.
Of course, Indy/Lucas and co succeed in their mission to reach Hollywood's top table and usher in a new era of Dumbness. Evil Spalko's quest for "knowledge" gets her exploded. Chaos reigns, special effects go crazy, and with their tracks covered, the crystal-skulled ones retreat to another dimension, probably a ranch in Montana.
Future generations will be left to wonder why our civilisation expended so much energy on making such extravagant works of art, and why we worshipped the idols of computer-enhanced action-franchise cinema while the rest of our society crumbled. But my discovery of the Peckham scrolls will unlock these secrets and blow the whole conspiracy open. As a precaution, I've sent these artefacts to the US authorities, who assure me they're keeping them safe, in a wooden crate, in gigantic warehouse somewhere.
- detritus0
*spoilers, though at 130 posts in, that should be a given*
Just got back from seeing it now - I kind of enjoyed it and was willing to let the far-fetchedness go (I absolutely loved that Indy survived a nuke), all until the last few minutes. That was just ridiculous. Someone needs to tell Lucas that More != More. I mean, where the fun can they go from there? They've spied every relic going, they've encountered inter-dimensional beings and the city of gold and they've witnessed a site of epic proportions.. so where to now?
And that fucking crystal skull was crap - if they thought it was 'quartz', why was it so bloody light? Why were they easily holding it aloft with one hand? And why did it look just like a plastic shell stuffed with clingfilm and tin foil? Really quite tosh.
Fun overall though - I'm glad I saw it.
*Dun de dunn dunn! Dun de dun. Dun dee dunde dun dun! Dun de dunn dunn dunn!*
- hello_steph0
Just when I thought nothing could be worse than Battlefield Earth... Indiana Jones 4 comes out... it was so fucking bad.
- Oh come on..it wasn't BF bad...maybe League of Extrodinary Gentleman bad..TheBlueOne
- ian0
Ive heard they're thinking of a 5th film.
- ian0
Dear George,
Im writing this letter as I don't know what else to do and there's no easy way of saying this but I think that we've grown apart. Our relationship is just not working out and, lets be honest, it hasn't been right for a long time now. I know that we've had our differences in the past and there's been mistakes on both sides. I have forgiven you for you indiscretions with others, specifically Jar-Jar, and I know that you still feel that my seeing the mummy was a betrayal but it wasn't. Not really. I though of you the entire time.However, much as I was willing to forgive these mistakes and bad judgement, I just feel that we have grown too far apart, the excitement is gone, and lately I feel that you're just not talking to me. I know I've changed too but I feel like Im growing as a person and I no longer hold on to the past, I just can't keep lying to myself that its going to be the same as it was, that the spark will return and that it'll be like old times.
So I think thats its better for both of us if we go our separate ways. I will think of you fondly but we can no longer have what we once did.
Regards,
IanPS. I left some macaroni cheese for you in the fridge.
- Raniator0
I won't be wasting my money.
Few of my friends went to see it, said they nearly walked out. Really, really shitty film. Cheese from beginning to end.
And spaceships and aliens?! What the fuck.
George, dude... you have lost the plot.
- emukid0
nuke the fridge:
A colloquialism used to delineate the precise moment at which a cinematic franchise has crossed over from remote plausibility to self parodying absurdity, usually indicating a low point in the series from which it is unlikely to recover. A reference to one of the opening scenes of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, in which the titular hero manages to avoid death by nuclear explosion by hiding inside a kitchen refrigerator
Guy 1: "Wow. Did you see the new Indy movie? What the hell was that? It was like I was having some kind of flu induced absurdist nightmare."
Guy 2: "Yep... did or did not that series permanently Nuke the Fridge?"
Guy 1: "Oh, totally Nuked the Fridge! But I guess Spielberg is happy as long as he has the money of the people who trusted him."
Guy 2: "Guess so..."
- ninjasavant0
just saw it. i spent most of the movie thinking to myself: ummmmm, ok. I guess I'll buy that.
- rafalski0
Spoiling all the way!
The fridge part was still acceptable to me, even if there was no way he could have survived the fall sitting inside it, let alone protect himself from the blast.
It was a funny idea, a wink to the viewer of sorts. It went downhill from there though.The jungle: there was a tree cutting machine in front of the car cavalcade going through the jungle. In real world it would 'pave' the way for tanks, but cars still wouldn't be able to follow.
In the film, cars not only participate in a chase following the speeding (!) tree cutter, but continue their run through the jungle when the machine is blown away!
Emmet Brown once said: "Roads? Where we're going we don't need roads".Sword fighting on the trucks - come on, it wasn't even funny. Indy intercepting a truck in "Raiders" had a hint of "this would never really happen but still somehow seems possible".
Skull selective magnetism was so absurdly idiotic. It only attracted metal when the screenplay needed it to.
Waterfall bullshit. Times three.
Particularly bad was the visual approach to ancient interiors, graves and such. They looked more believable in previous flicks, even with skeletons springing out of coffins everywhere.
An example were the tribesmen coming out of the walls - that was over the top. They sat inside these who knows how old walls and pillars and had no other way to come out but to destroy them because Indy and his crew were about?
This was just pure crap.I refreshed all 3 old Indies before going to see this one. They were all kids movies with more brutality Bond films ever had. They were breaking laws of physics and all probability, but not to this extent.
Most of all, in the old ones actors seemed to see the scenography, while in "Skull" they seemed so detached it was clear they were talking to bluescreen a lot of the time.
