Pirate Jokes
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- TheBlueOne
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.""Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate."You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"
- TheBlueOne0
Pirate walks into a bar.
Hes got the whole thing going..peg leg, hook hand and a patch on his eye.. but hes got a steering wheel coming out of his pants.Bartender says- ahoy there pirate Ill get you your drink as soon as you tell me WHY you have a steering wheel in your pants?
Pirate says (in pirate voice)
Aaaawwww this here?? its drivin me nutz!
- ********0
I chuckled at the first one.
--
Hey professor! What's another word for pirate treasure?
- k0na_an0k0
Pirate walks into a bar with a peg-leg, a hook for a right hand, an eye-patch and a parrot on his shoulder and the bartender goes 'what is this a joke?'
- barbtastic0
what size whiskey does a pirate order?
LaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE!
- TheBlueOne0
A little boy is trick or treatin' on Halloween by himself. He is dressed as a pirate. At one house, a friendly man asks him, "Where are your buccaneers?" The little boy responds, "On either side o' me 'buccan' head!"
- ********0
A movie about a fictional pirate is going to be the highest grossing film of the summer, and probably the year.
- ********0
Question: What did Captain Hook die from?
Answer: Jock Itch.
- ********0
A large Humpback whale is lazily enjoying a beautiful day when he sees a female Humpback whale just a little ways off, and he thinks to himself that he's going to try to impress her...
He swims over to her, and breeches the surface, showing off the large hump on his back.
She looked unimpressed as she breached and showed a larger more well formed hump herself.
Now, a little embarrassed, he tries again to impress her by taking a breath and blowing a huge cloud of mist and water with a really nice rainbow in it.
Once again she looked unimpressed and she blew a larger cloud of mist, with a more beautiful rainbow.
Now clearly agitated, the Male sees a Navel vessel in the distance and races off toward it. Just before he collides with the ship, he dives, jumps out of the water and as he sails over the bow of the ship, he plucks a sailor off the deck and in one gulp swallows him whole!
He swam back to her very proud of himself, only to find the female object of his attentions with a disgusted look on her face...
As she swam off she said..."I'll Hump, I'll Blow, BUT I WON'T SWALLOW SEAMEN!
--
*badabum!!
goodnight folks. you were a wonderful audience!
*bows
- TheBlueOne0
Arrr...I've a tale to tell. Sailin the high seas west of Dagger Isle, the good Captain Happy and me were set upon by a hurricane. It blowed us into some rocks and our ship, which we had stolen fair 'n' square from some landlubber, began to sink. We barely survived by haulin' our arses and our big bag of booty into the skiff.
After bein' adrift fo' 2 days, we was startin' to get a might hungry and we set about searching the booty for a bite to eat. Looking through the loot, I found a lamp and started rubbin' to see if there was a genie inside. The Captain almost fell off the bow when the genie appeared and offered me a wish. Being so thirsty, I couldn't hep meself, I asked for the sea to be turned into rum. The genie clapped once and disappeared, leaving us afloat surrounded by RUM! I immediately stuck my face in the rum and drank heartily!
When I rose up, the Captain was starin' at me with that look he has when he is gonna yell at me, "Arrrr, now ye done it. Now we gotta piss in the boat!"
- hopper0
Why are Pirates called Pirates??
COS THEY ARRRRRRRHHHHHHHH!!
- TheBlueOne0
Two Pirates on a ship,
One says "Yarrr!"
The other says "I was just thinkin' the same thing matey"
- ********0
Pittsburgh Pirates haven't had a winning season in over 13 years.
- TheBlueOne0
So there's this Pirate with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the pirate who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then he gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran pirate blush. At that point, he is so mad that he throws the it into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on. By the way, what did the chicken do?"
- MyNameIsPhil0
What kind of socks to pirates wear?
ARRRRRRRGYLE
- ********0
When is a Pirate not a Pirate?
When the Pirate breaks the Pirate code. Then they just look like a Pirate but deep down they aren't actually a Pirate at all.
And breaking the Pirate code is not funny, and is no laughing manner. It's a very serious offense which is taken very seriously by Pirates who have not broken the code.
One time Smitty goofed up and slurped his grog with his pinky finger up.
Oh boy ... do you know what we call Smitty now that he broke the Pirate code?
We still call him Smitty, but if anything I guess we'd call him Smitty the Dead, because we kilt him.
- kyl30
a guy walks into his friends adult bookstore and the friend asks him to watch the store for a moment.
A customer walks in and asks "how much for the dildos?" The friend says $50 for the white one, $75 for the black ones. the customer buys the black one and leaves.
another customer comes in and asks "how much for the dildos?"
The friend says $50 for the white ones, 75 for the black ones. the customer buys a white one and leaves.A third customer comes in and asks "how much for the dildos?"
The friend say $50 for the white one, 75 for the black ones.the customer asks "well, how much for the red and white striped one?" "oh that one" says the friend, "that one is $150"
"I'll take it" says the customer.
A few moments later the shop owner returns and asks "so did you sell anything?"
His friend replies "yep, I sold a black dildo, a white dildo... and your thermos for $150"
===
Did I mention one of the customers had a peg leg?
- Propaganda0
What does a pirate pay for corn?
A BUCK AN EEEEAR! (bucaneer)