Mail Order
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- digitalswarm
The old thread is MIA... I got a new story, so here's the old one first. BTW, this is not me. It's the "Fat Jew."
After reading an article in the New York Times about it, I went searching for one these websites where the Eastern European mail-order bride pays you up to 20,000 dollars to marry them so they can get a geen card. You have to spend mad time with them in order to be able to take the intensive marriage test, but whatever. I decided that this was my new dough scheme. Being that I blew my paychecks on dust, mixtapes, and quiche, I had to find someone with the capital to pay the initial fees, which include her plane ticket, and a 500$ fee to the agency for hooking us up. My man Kojo steps in (a drunken mess at the time) and gives me his credit card to get the wheels moving. One catch: he gets to pick her from the website. I veto, knowing he'll choose a 50 year old Polish woman with dental issues, and we agree to compromise. We settle on her:
He paid 1,500 to make this dream happen. She's coming on Friday, to my
man's house (we used his address), and it's going be to so gangster/ ackward. I guess I'm getting married. I need that money baby. She has no
idea what she's in for.Her bio: Name: Natalia
Date of birth: the 5th of February, 1982
Age: 23
Height: 170 cm ~ 5ft 6"
Weight: 53 kg ~ 116 lb
Eye color: Hazel
Hair color: Fair
Build body: Slim
Education: University
Profession: Artist, teacher
Occupation: Office-manager
Smokes: No
Zodiac: Aquarius
Marital status: single
Languages: English: Level 1, Very little knowledge, needs all letters translated.In own words: I have a sweet temper. I am a phlegmatic person. I am a kind, responsive, well-bred and tactful jawn. I like listening to the music, drawing, having rest in the countryside, cooking and also I adore to socialize with my friends. I don't like to argue and I don't like to wake up early in the morning.
Seeks Partner: I would like to meet a kind, tender, attractive, courageous, well-bred, well-educated, cultural man who I will be able to rely on in any situation.
Seeks Partner: 23 - 45 years old
Her location: Vinnitsa, Ukraine
Part II:
One week ago a drunken joke officially went wrong.
Awaking from a long night of Jameson and pills, Friday morning at 9 am I get a call from my man that the Ukranian bride is at his house, with her handler (he tells me that the dude's ponytail is epic, a la Segal). Laughing hysterically he tells me it's not the woman from the picture and that she's far dumpier. I light a Virgina Slim menthol light 100 and head over to his place. It was so ackward.
-She speaks no english
-Her attitude is terrible (which im starting to enjoy, hearing her scream on the phone at people in the eastern bloc is hilarious)
-She smells like lentils
-She looks NOTHING like that petite little blonde in the picture. if I was dirtbag who ordered a wife off the internet and got duped like that, I'd be wilding. But I could care less.
-She has a Polo Sport bubble coat from like '98 that is epic.
-She chain smokes like somebody's scummy uncle.
-She has worn white jeans 3 out of the 5 days i've seen her. I'm feeling that. hard.Her handler, who speaks english, tells me that she has an aunt who lives in Brighton beach, and she's going to stay with her sometimes.
The first night together I take her to a bar on Aveune D where i smoke a joint with a tranny and then force her to watch "Back to the future II", in english. She apparently hates both. Sleeps in the guest room, makes it reek of Lentils and Grade B tobacco.
I wake up Saturday morning at 10 to the sounds of pots and pans clanging around.She's cooking a steak that I had in my freezer. She eats it for breakfast, offers me nothing. Too wild.
Since then we went to a pool party together (she chain smoked for 3 hours), and she watched me cook some rock and smoke it. I think she hates me.
Monday she starts school to learn english, monday night i'm going to put liquid MDMA in her beverage and see wha'happppppens.
I'm going to start being naked in front of her all the time, she will be so stank.
How do i add pics (pics or STFU) from my computer and not a website? She's such a dingdong, she smiles in all the pics like we're a couple. I love it.
The updates will continue......
- digitalswarm0
Latest Story:
I was in Boca Raton this weekend at a Greek wedding, doing it big like Steven Seagal's calves. I rented a silver convertible, wore flourescent tanktops each day, and cruised around doing key bumps of shitty cocaine, while hitting on overly tan 65 year old Jewish women. Oh, and I was constantly eating cold cuts.
Saturday night I went down to Miami to wild out and pee in the pool. I went to a hotel bar where my man was spinning, and I met a broad named Coco. She was tall, leggy, and had such a defined jawline (you know how much my fat jewish ass loves bone structure.) We got to talking, i showed her my famous bar-mitzvah dance moves, and we sipped scotch. Finally we ended up leaving the bar together and causing mayhem in the streets, We wilded out, threw chairs at the Shore Club into the pool, cruised the strip pumping Wet Wipes by Cam'ron, and just generally doing the damn thing. i was so bent. i ended up taking Coco back to my room at the Clarion, and i remember very little, but we definitely hooked up. All i can recall now is Coco licking scotch off my chest, me falling into the bathtub, and "The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants" playing in the background on the television.
I woke up around 9 and Coco was ghost.
Later in the day I met my man who was spinning the night before for lunch. I had a Cobb salad, and he had a panini with sundried tomatoes and some proscuitto. I digress. He asks me where I disappeared to the night before, and i tell him that I took Coco back to my telly room. Here's the dialogue that ensued:
Me: Yeah, I took that babe Coco home.
Him: What? Coco?
Me: yeah, she has great hands
Him: Dude...... Coco is a jawnbol. She's post-op, but she's still part dude. What the fuck man, didn't you notice? Her hands are huge!
Me: I drank a bottle of Jameson and took xanax.
Him: (ror'ing FOR DAYS)So Coco didn't have a dick, but she used to be a guy.
Just wanted to share.
- tkmeister0
HAHAHAHA
again, the crazy guy keeps rolling. love his stories!
- chz0
Fat Jew is my hero!
So is it over for him and the mail order bride?
- skelly0
yes!
you posted a few others, do you still have those?
- mrdobolina0
key bumps, hahaha
- digitalswarm0
Remind me what they were... I need to check my old emails.
- blaw0
noticable obcession with segal.
- jevad0
what happened with mail order?!
- ebon0
I'm in Boca Raton right now.
- radar0
Yeah dudes writing style is so on point, I would like to read them all again, please.
- skelly0
search your email for "wildin out" "rock" and "crepes"
i think one of them was when he took that mail order bride to meet his parents. haha.
- zombiewoof0
KJ vs. the Swarm
its a close call....
I envision one of those reversable books (that flip over to read from the back) containing assorted narrative from these two... insanity from both directions that collide in the center spine of the book.
thanks, you woke me from my afternoon stupor!
- digitalswarm0
Do you feel me that...
Going to a house party, getting pissy on several bottles of Andre, then getting butt naked (with a party hat over your junk) and hitting a pinata is e-p-i-c.
hings I say to girls at bars when I've had at least a half-a-bottle of Jameson:
"Will you spread horseradish on my chest?"
"You have beautiful hands"
"Tiffany Amber Thiessan is my first cousin"
"Will you pour a jug of sangria on my dick, light it on fire, and then give me a handjob with an oven-mitt to extinguish the flames?"
"I read for pleasure"
One time i brought my clean bill of health to a bar so girls could make sure.
don't even hate, i've had intimate relations with many a mediocre girl (with big hands) by using these lines.
- digitalswarm0
I really don't know why I have all of this ridiculous shit.
- PoniBoi0
Enter response:
O
M
G
- mrdobolina0
hahahaa
- vwsung18t0
i have been thoroughly entertained.
- digitalswarm0
"I did a key bump of coke (left over from Friday night that was in the pocket of my pants) in the bathroom at work about 25 minutes ago . After doing it, I sat back down at my desk and started reading an article about post-op transvestites in Brazil. My day is going a-ok."
- mayo0
F-ing A! I'm crying over here. This is awesome.
