Joke for people who never tell jokes
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- tconn
Q. Why can't Helen Keller have kids?
A. She's dead.
- BuddhaHat0
I told this one last weekend at a party... 3 ppl laughed, one got offended, and one said 'HAHA... i don't get it.'
An Israeli is walking down the street one night in Belfast, when a shady character comes up behind him and presses a knife to his back. He demands to know 'are you a catholic or a protestant?'
The Israeli replies 'neither, I'm Jewish!'
The shady character then stabs the Israeli several times, pushes his body to the ground, and says 'wow, I have got to be the luckiest Palestinian in Ireland.'
- derek_nelson0
My mother asked me if I had just shit on myself and the hamburger said "Fuck! I don't know where my rice is."
- mg330
Someone posted this here a while back. I've used it a few times with great results, so memorize it!
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A woman goes to a plastic surgeon to get a labiectomy. She tells the doctor that she thinks men are turned off by the size of her huge labia, and it's got to be why she can't keep a boyfriend.
She tells the doc she wants the surgery, but it needs to be discreet, no one can know.Doc says no problem, it will all be discreet.
After the operation, she wakes up in the recovery room, looks around, and sees three vases of flowers.
"Doctor!" she says, "I thought this was supposed to be discreet! Who are all these flowers from?""Now, now," the doctor says, "there's a perfectly good explanation."
"The first ones are from me. I do that for all my patients, no matter what."
"Well, what about the second ones?" she asks.
"Those are from the hospital, they do that for everyone too. No one really knows what you were here for," he says.
"Yah, well what about the third ones?" she guffs.
"Oh," the doctor says. "Well, those are from a boy in the burn unit who just loves his new ears!"
ZING ZING ZING!!!
- ********0
Q: Why did God invent yeast infections?
A: So that women too would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt!
- ********0
Q: What did Helen Keller say after running her hands over a cheese grater?
A: That was the most violent book I ever read.
- ********0
Bureaucracy: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.
Canadianism: You have two cows. Vous avez deux vaches.
Capitalism: You have two cows. A big cattle company ousts you off the business. You sell your cows and work for the big business. The older punch line, truer to the American ideal, was "You sell one and buy a bull." Addendum, by Pat Paulsen: Then put them both in your wife's name and declare bankruptcy.
Communism: You have two cows. Everyone owns all the cows and everyone is equal. If you happen to be in charge of everyone and their cows, you own more of the cows than everyone because you are more equal than they are.
Democracy: You have two cows. They outvote you 2-1 to ban all meat and dairy products.
Dyslexia: You have two wocs.
Hamas: You have two cows. If you don't remove them from our land, we'll blow them up.
Scientology: You have two cows. Sell their milk so that you can go for more auditing.
Surrealism: You have two cows. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
- ********0
Ole, Lena, and Sven are lost out in the freezing wilderness, when they stumble across an Arabian-style lamp.
Lena says "Hey, this looks like one of them Genie-lamps like in the movies!"
So Ole says "Hey, let's rub it and see what happens!" So they do, and a ghostly figure emerges.
"I am the Genie of the North," says the spirit, "and will grant you each one wish. Think carefully now, and choose your wishes."
Lena takes the lamp and says "Well, gee, it's awfully cold here, and we've been lost for days. I really wish I was back home in front of the fire!"
Says the Genie, "It shall be done!" He claps his hands together and Lena vanishes, leaving the lamp on the ground.
Ole then picks it up. "Well, home in front of the fire sounds good to me. I wish I was home with Lena!"
Says the Genie, "It shall be done!" Again, he claps his hands, and Ole vanishes.
So Sven picks up the lamp and thinks for a bit. "Well, it sure is cold here, and I'm feeling a bit lonely out here all by myself. I really wish Ole and Lena were back here with me..."
- ********0
Sven says, "Hey Ole, you may want to invest in some drapes for your bedroom. Last night I kinda saw you and Lena going to town."
Ole says, "The joke's on you, Sven; I wasn't even home last night!"