Mail Order
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- digitalswarm
After reading an article in the New York Times about it, I went searching for one these websites where the Eastern European mail-order bride pays you up to 20,000 dollars to marry them so they can get a geen card. You have to spend mad time with them in order to be able to take the intensive marriage test, but whatever. I decided that this was my new dough scheme. Being that I blew my paychecks on dust, mixtapes, and quiche, I had to find someone with the capital to pay the initial fees, which include her plane ticket, and a 500$ fee to the agency for hooking us up. My man Kojo steps in (a drunken mess at the time) and gives me his credit card to get the wheels moving. One catch: he gets to pick her from the website. I veto, knowing he'll choose a 50 year old Polish woman with dental issues, and we agree to compromise. We settle on her:
He paid 1,500 to make this dream happen. She's coming on Friday, to my man's house (we used his address), and it's going be to so gangster/ ackward. I guess I'm getting married. I need that money baby. She has no idea what she's in for.
Her bio: Name: Natalia
Date of birth: the 5th of February, 1982
Age: 23
Height: 170 cm ~ 5ft 6"
Weight: 53 kg ~ 116 lb
Eye color: Hazel
Hair color: Fair
Build body: Slim
Education: University
Profession: Artist, teacher
Occupation: Office-manager
Smokes: No
Zodiac: Aquarius
Marital status: singleLanguages:
English: Level 1, Very little knowledge, needs all letters translated.In own words: I have a sweet temper. I am a phlegmatic person. I am a kind, responsive, well-bred and tactful jawn. I like listening to the music, drawing, having rest in the countryside, cooking and also I adore to socialize with my friends. I don't like to argue and I don't like to wake up early in the morning.
Seeks Partner: I would like to meet a kind, tender, attractive, courageous, well-bred, well-educated, cultural man who I will be able to rely on in any situation.
Seeks Partner: 23 - 45 years old
Her location: Vinnitsa, Ukraine
--------------------------------... Part II:One week ago a drunken joke officially went wrong.
Awaking from a long night of Jameson and pills, Friday morning at 9 am I get a call from my man that the Ukranian bride is at his house, with her handler (he tells me that the dude's ponytail is epic, a la Segal). Laughing hysterically he tells me it's not the woman from the picture and that she's far dumpier. I light a Virgina Slim menthol light 100 and head over to his place.
It was so ackward.
-She speaks no english
-Her attitude is terrible (which im starting to enjoy, hearing her scream on the phone at people in the eastern bloc is hilarious) -She smells like lentils
-She looks NOTHING like that petite little blonde in the picture. if I was dirtbag who ordered a wife off the internet and got duped like that, I'd be wilding. But I could care less. -She has a Polo Sport bubble coat from like '98 that is epic.
-She chain smokes like somebody's scummy uncle.
-She has worn white jeans 3 out of the 5 days i've seen her. I'm feeling that. hard.Her handler, who speaks english, tells me that she has an aunt who lives in Brighton beach, and she's going to stay with her sometimes.
The first night together I take her to a bar on Aveune D where i smoke a joint with a tranny and then force her to watch "Back to the future II", in english. She apparently hates both. Sleeps in the guest room, makes it reek of Lentils and Grade B tobacco.
I wake up Saturday morning at 10 to the sounds of pots and pans clanging around.She's cooking a steak that I had in my freezer. She eats it for breakfast, offers me nothing. Too wild.
Since then we went to a pool party together (she chain smoked for 3 hours), and she watched me cook some rock and smoke it. I think she hates me.
Monday she starts school to learn english, monday night i'm going to put liquid MDMA in her beverage and see wha'happppppens.
I'm going to start being naked in front of her all the time, she will be so stank.
How do i add pics (pics or STFU) from my computer and not a website? She's such a dingdong, she smiles in all the pics like we're a couple. I love it.
The updates will continue......
- ********0
you just took being a crazy bastard to the next level my man.
i bow to you.
- mrdobolina0
ahahahahaa, WTF!
- digitalswarm0
This was a forward, wish I could live up to it.
- sherman0
just fucking awesome!
- radar0
so is this someone you know?
- anzelina0
was it her?
- digitalswarm0
"Add to Cart."
LOL
- ********0
great story
- radar0
Anezelia your 5' 6"
- sherman0
and your typing skills are great!
home row lessons really paid off
- anzelina0
she is on the 'best girls' page 2
- radar0
the drums are a niced touch.
http://www.kvmo.net/~idestiny
- anzelina0
i don't hear no drums
- radar0
they take a minute to load.
this page loads a love song much quicker. http://www.kvmo.net/~idestiny/tr…
- digitalswarm0
Part II
-------------
To all the non-believers, someone pleease show me how to post pics from my
mans computer, i need all of you to know the truth. I want to bring her to
one of these Rub parties or whatever so someone can pour a drink on her and
she'll slap you in the face and then you can fight her. It will be epic.Last friday I go to pick her up in Brighton Beach in my candy-apple red 1978
Chevy El Camino with a photo of Keith Hernandez (nh) dangling from the
rearview. That night she says she's taking me to a club that she likes in
Greenpoint Brooklyn.Oh my god the Polish disco was fucking bananas.
Some dude in the spot tries to sell me Viagra, she drinks a bottle of red
wine and pukes on her snakeskin pants. Amazing. She's dancing with so many
Eastern european snapperheads wearing silk shirts while i'm playing the wall
talking to some dude from Florida trying to sell me stocks. What a dirtbag.
Eventually we bounce. She's blackout drunk and calling me a Jew piece of
shit, i'm in turn calling her a Ukrainian whorebag. It kind of turned me on.
She passes out on my futon and I watch the episode of "Who's the Boss?" when
Sam goes to college and Tony is lonely. Emotional. Wake up the next day and
she's watching tv, chain smoking furiously. The celly rings and it's my
overbearing jewish mother. Apparently we're supposed to have lunch that
afternoon. I decide to twist my parents wigs and bring this bowl of borscht
along. I tell her on the way over that she should just go along with
whatever i say ( i lure her with the ridiculous promise that my parents will
give us lots of money, she seems to like this). We sit down to lunch
together, my parents wondering who this woman is wearing a white bubble coat
and smelling like a dumpster in Minsk, and I announce that I'm getting
married.They went wild. My mom started bugging, asking where we met and whatever. I
tell her we met at a swap meet in California (i was in LA a couple months
ago just wilding out). The Ukrainian goes along with it. Now her and my mom
are going shopping together next week. Shit is getting so wild.-she got her tounge pierced and now wears a green glow-in-the-dark tounge
ring-she took a huge dump last week that made my dog wince
-She has a cousin named Yvgeny who owns a used car lot in Brooklyn.
whaaaaaaaaaaaaat. I'm about to cop some isht.PICS COMING SOOON.
ps- in case anyone was wondering:
1) i haven't banged her yet. I tried to make out with her when i was
blackout drunk and she hit me with her fake louis vuitton bag.2) we started studying for our marriage test two nights ago, and so far i
have found out that she has 8 siblings.
- ********0
wait wait STOP!
this is about tehgee isn't it?!?!
- canuck0
mwhahaha this is gold, I haven't had a decet laugh all day.
I thought this was a KJ story at first.
- C_ville0
i think i just wet myself
- radar0
I want more, hahahaha.
- bmxboy0
This is frikin Golden, you could make an awesome short based on this, it would be hilarious. WRite the script and sell it for even more than $20,000
Photo wise try using http://www.imageshack.us - just upload the photo on there and copy and paste the various links it gives you once it is done.
epic