copywriting | 3rd person
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- DutchBoy
so you think it is bad?
i learned it is more polite to talk in the 3rd person instead of ME, MYSELF and I.
my copywriting skills aren't that great, but i really felt secure about referring to myself in the 3rd person..
http://www.cymd.net/index_en.htm…
opinions please!
(about speaking in the third person..)
- g3kK0_K1D0
buddy do it the way u think is right :) thats my humble opinon :P
- DutchBoy0
thx, gekko!
anymore opinions please?
- lovaboy0
i think that's fine. after reading your copy, the only real complaint i have is not that you use the 3rd person, but that it comes across as just a tad impersonal/ academic sounding, when you should be engaging your potential clients. try for a little more simplicity, and try to juxtapose shorter, bolder sentences with longer ones. your work looks great, btw!
- DutchBoy0
thx man.
that's axactly my problem, cuz i am aware of the fact that i am not a good writer.. then i try to hard and it comes across to academic.. on the other hand people i work with or for know me for my academic mentality, or rather approach to projects and such..
lemme think this over.. i might change it later, for now i really need to get me some more work! still in dire need of $$...
- stewart0
me, myself, i and stewart think all it is only okay when it is a business name, but your own name... i wouldn't do that.
it is something used by dictators (caesar etc) and other people with megalomania.
- DutchBoy0
gee, i never thought about the megalomaniac thing.. on the contrary, i thought it's more professional and polite..
actually, come to think of it, a friend of mine is a copywriter and a very very successfull one at it (but he won't do it for free for me, since i let him pay for the site as well, hehe..) but he writes in the third person most of the time when he introduces himself in texts or publications..
speaking of 'I' feels a bit amateurish to me..
thx for your thoughts though, sjoerd!
any more?
- lovaboy0
yeah, but the point is no one knows that he's the one writing and using the 3rd person about himself. it's simply a way of presenting information in a way that sounds more professional.
- rasko40
actually its a bit mixed, sometimes you are talking about 'Janne' and 'CMYD' and then you start saying 'we' and 'us' which could be confusing, actually it isn't but the grammar police may be on it.. the general feel of the copy is fine and professional, though I feel at times slightly long-winded. I think you should make the line length shorter and give a bit more leading though as it gets quite hard to read and is actually quite off putting in the heavier paragraphs.
hope that helps.
- DutchBoy0
my thoughts exactly..
but i read that Vinney thread (the poor kid, he's a really good guy, but needs to work a bit on design skills...) anyway, in that thread i read stewarts comments but now he explained me why he thinks it's bad...
i do think i'll stick to this, unless someone else has rocksolid arguments to change my mind..
- DutchBoy0
thx rasko! in hindsight i feel the sentences are too long as well...
at least noone catched me on writing shite engrish!! and i'll take that as a compliment since it's not my native language..
- rasko40
No your English is very good, much better than a lot of English people in fact.
:)
- DutchBoy0
haha, zat ies nyce to here, mistor rasko, i thanck you verry happy!!
- stewart0
only possible solution:
change all "we" into "CYMD"
that is also a good way to "plug" your company name, and you don't lie about the number of people that work for CMYD.
- _salisae_0
CMYK
- MichaelW0
Why have that junk? just show your work/contact abit of info.
All that other stuff sounds fake to me, some nice logos though.
- MichaelW0
+ i don't get case studies, i wasn't expecting your work i was expecting something else dunno mabe its cause i don't know what case studies means
- MichaelW0
when i said some nice logos though i just ment camping one. not to offend but needed to clear up:)
- DutchBoy0
thx stewart.
the text is not junk. i had a great deal of analysis before i started to create this site, many people ask many things and i wanted to clear things up with this text.
from the perspective of my client-environment this is the best i can come up with now, i don't have much work in it now, and i do not want to put much in it since i can do lots better -imo- these days... and want to move forward.
i guess i called it case studies cuz i intended to talk a little about the process etc. cuz i feel i need to educate a lot of clients about what is good for them since they are not very aware of 'good design' here.. :/ (but in the end the textboxes came out a bit small and there was not much room left for copy..)
but i love living here now so that is why i adapt it a little to the nature of my target audience.
and yeah, i want to make it sound more&better then what it currently is (in the perception of others) but i know i can live up to expectations.. in other words, trying to target the more challenging clients.
thx for the compliment on the logo, i wouldn't have expected anyone (on here) to find that one a good logo! :)
furthermore i have to add that my work generally is quite corporate with extra attention to clean usable solutions in design. i guess it is what i do best. i never felt it would be anything interesting to post here, that is why i wanted to keep it low-profile on this site, as i don't have mad illy's to show, or wicked reels and skate videos and dripping deerheads and what not..
it's design for the clients' clients.... i try to move into the general feel and culture of a company, thus the concept is based on the result of this analysis, and not from the culture of design itself as i think that is not a good basis to start from...
to make a long story short, i made this website simply to get work, and hopefully gradually more interesting jobs, and not to impress the design industry itself..
to be honest i care most about the effect my work has on the clients and their potential clients.