Relationship Advice
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- kote
sorry to bore you if you already know the story with me - I am trying to work it out of my sytem. Here it goes:
Been seeing this girl for 14 months. Everything was super good, except for the past 2 or so. Actually, I thought everything was fine. I was super busy with work (I work from home) and she would come over without notice as she always had. She was welcome to - I love her. But most days I was just too busy. I had deadlines to meet.
MANY times over the 14 months she brought up marriage. I was scared to commit immediately, and would come up with excuses like 'graduate college first' or 'I am not financially stable yet' or 'I am not ready'. But I assured her I would marry her, just not right then.
Well - she would cry sometimes when she came over, laying in my bed, watching me work, waiting for me to come be with her. I didn't see it then, but I should have been with her. Instead, I just kept working because she said she understood I was busy. I was emotionally not with it - although I truly love this girl. She is the girl of my dreams...yet she saw it as though I was not showing her I loved her.
So a week ago yesterday she breaks up with me - says she has been going on dates with someone else that pays attention to her. I was pissed. Of course the next day I came over to see her, and we talked like 3 hours (actually I did most of the talking) apologizing for taking her for granted, assuring her I would change, and I want to change. I don't want to mistreat the woman I love. I want to fight for her, but she told me not to. I actually put a deposit on a ring in January and was going to give it to her on Valentines day. She had broken up with me once before, the week of valentines day and I got my deposit back. It didn't feel like it was time yet, and I didn't want to crowd her.
So here I am. I saw her for the first time 4 days after the break up. She looked sad, I was trying to keep distance...but finally broke down and had to hold her. It felt so good. It wasn't a pity or friend hug, it was an I love you hug from both of us to the other. She said she missed me, I said the same. We talked a little, I walked her to the car, and said goodbye.
I saw her again 2 days later - we spent the day together. She was calling me baby, being a little touchy-feely, but there was something missing. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose this girl. But I also don't want to annoy her or crowd her. Plus, it hurts so bad not to be with her that I am almost ready to just not call her or try to see her again.
I dont know what to do...
- kote0
any one?
- piperboytoy0
go ask her to marry you now or else you'll lose her. Giving her the ring doesn't mean you have to marry her right away. It solidifies the relationship, and show you are willing to commit!
Now Pay more attention to her or she will leave again. Open communication is the key to a good relationship.
- unknown0
I don't see what your problem is really, you love her she loves you man.
Just make it romantic and propose to her.
Never let a good woman escape like that.
- kote0
she said she wants me to leave her alone though guys. She said she is with dude - I dont know if she will even take me back casually much less marry me now.
Does it sound otherwise?
- kote0
I dont want to freak her out - that is the main thing. I dont want to push her or scare away from me.
Should I not give more distance as she asked?
- piperboytoy0
but how come she call you "baby" and say she misses you??
My view is, if she really cared about you, she should have told you how she felt, instead of going behind your back and cheating on you!
Say you guys do get married and you get busy with work again, is she going to go on more dates with other guys??
- kote0
dont know. people have said she is trying to hurt me. I dont know. Calling me 'baby'' is just that - just words. I am very confused. It has only been a week. I dont know to push it or withdraw....
Most friends are telling me to back off. To give her time - to leave her alone. But at the same time, the whole reason she left was because I wasnt paying attention - I wasnt trying. Should I try then, really hard? She knows I love her - most friends tell me to leave her alone and let her miss me so she comes to me. I have already talked to her about how I feel about her. i dont want to just keep bringing it up. But I am scared that if I give too much space that she may start getting involved with this other guy further. Damn I am confused...
- kote0
I am confused, hurt, sad, angry, and like 30 other emotions...
- piperboytoy0
I don't know her or want to give you bad advice, but from what I read, she sounds like she's only looking out for herself!
When you tell her how you felt, what was her reaction and comments?? Did she tell you that she love you and misses you??
Just give her some space. I'd say 2 weeks and give her a call and meet with her.
- kote0
the day i told her how I felt was the day after she broke it off. She was intentionally cold to me - she told a friend that she was trying to be harsh because of how emotional I was going to get. It wasnt real, as I saw thursday. She obviously cares for me.
maybe a couple weeks would make her miss me. It might also have her believe I just dont care.
- molasses0
here's some advice from a girl. if you really love this her, you have to go all out to get her back! essentially, women only need one thing from the men they love, they need honesty and sincerity. tell her without holding back how much you need her. need being the operative word, not -want-. whether or not you freak her out isnt important, if what youre telling her is truthful, she will know and sense that. don't propose to her as a desperate attempt to get her back. do it cos you truly want to. and let her know that (again read: sincerity).
- molasses0
nows not the time to play mind games with each other. if something has to be done, it has to be done. know what i mean?
- piperboytoy0
good luck, I'm sure everything will work out for the best.
- piperboytoy0
Kote, does it bother you that the girl that loves you is running around with another guy?? I know it's partly your fault, but it's also her fault for not communicating her feelings to you!
- kote0
hmm - I hear you. With every part of my being I want to ask her to be my wife. But she asked for space....do I just ignore that?
Since I neglected her, is she just trying to hurt me? Should I igniore her request and go all out? I know you dont know me - or her. I am just desperate for oppinions on this because I am getting so many mixed signals from her.
- unknown0
yes she does want to hurt you and make you feel horrible, let her have her twisted little fun, then attack and go get her
- kote0
of course it bother me piper. She told me she felt neglected, etc.
I just chose not to do anything about it. Not conciously of course, but when she came with a problem I listned but didnt HEAR.
It is all my fault - trust me. This guy liked her when he met her. And he has been pushing to go out with her for a while. When she felt neglected I think she was just like 'screw it, I dont have to take this. Here is a guy that shows me attentionand likes me.' where i wasnt showing her that. Is it wrong? well, i know I was wrong in neglecting her. and if I hadnt none of this would be an issue...
- lament0
kote i'm going to say some things that will get you to think about your relationship a little bit, and you may not like them. but i'm honestly trying to help here.
i just don't buy this "i'm dating other guys because you don't pay me enough attention" argument. i'm not saying that she didn't say that - i'm saying that there's something else going on there.
do you honestly think that you haven't paid her enough attention, or that she is just very needy?
you guys have only been going out for a year - why is she so amped to get married?
did you buy the ring because you felt bad because you haven't been paying her enough attention over the last 3 months, or were you genuinely ready to get married? you're still in college. are you sure you're ready for this - mentally? financially? marriage is a huge step and not something you do to fix a relationship.
and here's anothing thing - if you say you love her, and she loves you and you believe in this and your feelings are strong - wouldn't there be some time before she jumped back into the dating scene?
if you mean so much to her, wouldn't she want to communicate with you about her feelings and the fact that you're not paying her enough attention - instead of just going out with some random guy? again - this is why i don't buy her argument.
there's something else, kote. you have to figure out what it is. and trust me, communication is fucking KEY.
i wish you luck..
- unknown0
How old are you man?
