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Out of context: Reply #76425

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  • Horp13

    Coincidences
    Story 1

    A few weeks ago I was at the family home and both daughters were at home.

    Both my daughters are teenagers, with long hair that must always be getting washed, and delicate faces which must always be tended to and crafted.

    We only have one bathroom. I vitoed a second one when we remodelled, believing it to be additional complications at the expense of space.

    But I do often need to shit.

    It gets Hollywood Thriller tense sometimes. The girls (three, including their mother) only need the bathroom for about six hours, and that six hours usually starts with the slam of the bathroom door just seconds after my bowel informs me it would be a great time to shit.

    I've frequently palpitated and sweated, clenching and stock still but radiating dramatic deperation at the foot of the stairs for literally hours sometimes. Just hoping to catch the three second window when one teenager swoops out and another, herself impatient but for different reasons to my own, swoops in.

    About three weeks ago one daughter and her mum had gone out. My bowel had just triggered my youngest daughter to Occupy The Bathroom, and I had become quite seriously distressed after a good long while of hoping she wouldn't be much longer now.

    I kept hoping, I never wavered in my conviction that some day, eventually, she would leave the bathroom.

    And then I did waver, and I did lose hope, because my bowel said "ok, it's time to shit now"

    For the first time ever I had no choice. I waddled into the kitchen, grabbed two bin liner sacks and the kitchen roll. I lay one sack down flat out behind my closed bedroom door, and fashioned a bucket of the other.

    I stripped off and took a shit on my bedroom floor. It was an aggressive, non-compliant, voluminous diaspora of what seemed to be six months of intake participating in a lavishly staged review. All the angst and all the rebellion. The full spectrum of the human experience.

    Maybe it was just the incongruity of shitting in a bag on tne floor that made it seem so big, so ambitious, so no-holds-barred. Or maybe it was just a big shit with a chip on its shoulder.

    Anyway the moment I was committed and the masthead was hitting the bag, the bathroom door was flung open audibly. The bathroom was free.

    But also, at the exact same time, my wife and daughter arrived back home and started calling for me right outside my door to urgently respond to their need for a bag carrier.

    So I had to shout DO NOT COME IN.

    Which seemed sinister and sleazy.

    And then, shit smells. And it's a free roaming, pernicious smell. So soon, everybody knew I'd just taken a shit on my bedroom floor, for the first time in my life.

    These moments of coincidence happen to me all of the time. I can set my watch by them.

    Not my asshole though.

    Horp 13Permalink
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    • well... shit... that was a lot of crap to read... I'm going to have to let this digest a bit...PonyBoy
    • ok.... can't wait for story 2....hans_glib
    • At long last you’re back!mort_
    • Welcome back ;)

      Awaiting to story 2 here      OBBTKN
    • And... for God's sake, screw the renovation, make room for a second bathroom; I have two teenage daughters and they have a bathroom just for them!OBBTKN
    • The best investment of your life and for your mental health, seriously.OBBTKN
    • Yep. 2 teenage sons. Couldn’t work without a 2nd bathroom.mort_
    • Not coincidence, IBS. Anxiety can be a trigger, so blame your daughters.garbage
    • Umm PICTURES NEXT TIME!futurefood
    • Fellow one-bathroom father here with 2 sons. We keep a 5 gallon bucket behind the shed for emergencies. But every morning, one of us is knocking on the door...stoplying
    • ...telling whoever is in there to HURRY UP.stoplying
    • Wow! I can’t imagine sharing my bathroom with the kids and they’re just little boys.monospaced
    • Far too polite. My family will loudly declare their urges and you're going to hear about it with urgency until you vacate. Also, you did this to yourself.cotton
    • I'll admit it eas a mistake 20 years ago when I nixed bathroom 2, which was en suite in the main bedroom. Big mistake. But we're selling up soon anyhoo.Horp
    • The whole "bang the door, tell them to get a move on" does not work here. Better to just shit yourself than tip rocks down that volcano.Horp
    • You can imagine it mono.canoe
    • Hahaha this is glorious!_niko
    • We lucked out and got 3 bathrooms, and trust me, we need them lol. My toilet time is precious and extended every morning. Lol.monospaced
    • LOL, great story!renderedred
    • What a WONDERFUL day to be able to read. LOLAkagiyama
    • It was an aggressive, non-compliant, voluminous diaspora of what seemed to be six months of intake participating in a lavishly staged review.maquito
    • That.
      Is.
      Gold.      maquito
    • So well written I can almost smell it. :)monospaced
    • a beautifully told horror story.mantrakid
    • use your wordstbgoodwillie
    • Must be a corn chip on its shoulderbezoar
    • Buying a couple of makeup desks with large mirrors with lights around them for the girls bedrooms might get more free bathroom time.microkorg
    • Oh they have those mirrors. This is hair washing rituals.Horp
    • Just want you to know, this writing is so beautiful that I printed it out to share with my wife.nocomply
    • Awwww, thank you!Horp
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