Client of the Day
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- monoboy0
Got talking to a neighbour recently about design and marketing.
Family business (son) that turns over £8.4m and has the worst set of comms I've seen in ages.
Convo developed into doing a proposal for his company website that he 'took down' because he didn't like it. He has a holding page up, but google still picks up all the old live pages. Fucking mess.
'I don't want to spend much.'
Fair enough, you don't need to really, it still sort of works. Suggested turning it into a two pager with a list of services, contacts, newsletter signup. Done. Full proposal sent, cost peanuts.
'Cool. Can we do it before Xmas. Can you send me some samples'
So I send my credentials doc.
No response after a week.
I follow up again. Still no response.
Geezer lives across the road and won't even email me back.
Hilarious.
I laugh because I suspect he thinks I'd do it for free and didn't actually read the proposal.
- I couldn't really say no. Wanted to. Glad I don't have to now. ha.monoboy
- comms?ArmandoEstrada
- Communications.monoboy
- Ask him if he'll give you a few thousand bucks worth of whatever the fuck they sell or do and see how that goes down.BusterBoy
- That'd be cool. They supply huge construction machines, diggers, JCBs etc. Love a go.monoboy
- monoboy3
'We'd like to enhance our digital marketing, I want more sales.'
Great, lets do a review and make some plans.
'Great, but we don't have much budget'
OK.
Your priority issues are; weak website content and a really bad online ticketing system. The drop off is horrendous. It's actually a barrier to sales.
I'd invest in a new system that you can integrate with marketing campaigns like a sales funnel. I'd also update your website to clarify your offer, get better messaging out.
'Sounds costly'.
It's an investment that'll pay for itself.
'We've decided to spend £15K on a TripAdvisor campaign instead.'
Traffic isn't the issue, it's the drop off.
'I'm keen to try it'.
OK.
12 months later.
'We need to fix our ticketing system but we don't have much budget.'
- monoboy0
'Any chance you could do that thing we talked about by close of play today?'
You mean the thing I wrote a fully costed proposal for three week ago that you clearly haven't read yet?
'Oh, yes. Happy to go ahead.'
I'd say chances were slim and none. And slim just left town.
- Play today?ArmandoEstrada
- UK colloquialism for the 'end of the working day'.monoboy
- monoboy0
Here comes another moan...
Working all weekend (and most of a fortnight) on a decent sized brochure job.
I get it ready to go at the crack of dawn today, all lined up for a digital print on nice stock.
Super tight deadline, seat of pants stuff.
Get an email this morning whilst it's on press...
'Is it too late to change it from A4 to A5?'
- BusterBoy3
Had a client call me on Friday saying they were switching to another Agency that is in their own city...and he felt were technically superior and had a better grasp on technology than my firm does.
Fair enough. Your call.
Get an email from their new "super Agency" asking me what a nameserver is.
Seriously felt like getting on the phone to these cunts and the client and telling them to BOTH get fucked.
New site is this pissy little Wordpress themed site that I know has just been urchased from Themeforest. Have seen it before.
Cocks.
- technically superior =cheaperpablo28
- ^ sorry, they're bitching you... Don't waste time with them, heal wounds and go aheadOBBTKN
- Probably an uninformed opinion based on their customer experience. If clients can't see the value or take your advice, not worth wasting the time as OBB says.monoboy
- Most clients want easy, simple, no hassle. Even when they're wrong. Push back with an informed opinion can be taken badly. Some(most)times you have to baby sit.monoboy
- "I want X done by X" Not a good long-term idea, X will be a problem, do Y. "Don't care, do X." OK. "This has happened, it doesn't work, this your fault." etc.monoboy
- Yeh I would never vent my true feelings to a client unless extreme circumstances.BusterBoy
- It's a weird feeling when you lose a client to a new firm and they're kind of incompetent.noneck
- You're a little miffed that the client chose them, but it kinda feels good to have confirmation that the client is wrong.noneck
- feel free to ignore their calls, considering you're inferior to them technically and technologically.monospaced
- monoboy0
Last moan of the week (I love 'em really)...
Setting the scene... this is a client I've tried to set up on basecamp for a sizeable print job with five different stakeholders, but they all still email me, including 90mb attachments.
"I find it hard to feedback on PDFs. Could you copy the text into a word document and send it to me so I can edit and send back?"
Sure, how about we use google docs so we can easily edit together and post it on basecamp for everyone to feedback on.
"Yeah, that's fine."
Great. Set up file, share permissions. I can see the dude has logged on and starts editing.
---
In an email later on that day...
"I've edited the text. Here it is. Can you put it in the visual."
It's an attached word doc.
---
Fuck my life.
- monoboy0
Just about every client I've worked with NEVER has a scalable vector of their logo, but a multitude of heavily compressed jpgs.
Do they literally throw .eps files away when given them?
- Absolutely. It's just something that clients never think of or understand. They can't open them in powerpoint so think they are not useful and bin them.Hayzilla
- Love the Wall E analogy. haha.
My favourite that happens LOADS is renaming a .jpg as .eps and sending me that. LOL.Hayzilla - The best (worst?) is when they place said compressed jpeg into a word document, distorted out of proportion, and give that to you.monospaced
- My fave is the attached word document with a tiny 32k gif inserted into a table.monoboy
- 'Can't you just photoshop it?' is the usual response to we can't print this.monoboy
- ^ ha, mono. Your post didn't show as I was typing mine.monoboy
- Ha. And then you realize they don't even know how to save files to their computers and have been taking screenshots the entire time.monospaced
- Yup. Had that one before.monoboy
- I just avoid the inevitable client idiocy and get the logo from their site - company reports and news PDF normally contain vector versions. Fuck em.face_melter
- @face, I do that too, but I never tell themmonospaced
- MrT0
The story is about the brand "Océ"
The text in all instances is "Oce"
The client's correction "the c in Oce has to have an apostrophe on the top of it"
Oh really? Which key do I press to get that?
- monoboy3
"I really need to send out a newsletter to our members database today. We've only got a few days of the season left for this promotion."
Erm. Sure but I'm not available today and these things take time to produce. Do you have content ready that fits the template?
"Great. Today would be good."
Sorry, I'm not available today. Do you have the content ready?
"Yes, it's a simple version it shouldn't take you long."
OK. If you send me the content today I might be able to take a look after 4pm. We should be able to send it out in the morning. I'm not available tomorrow afternoon.
__
Content arrives 12:30pm the next day.
"Here it is, can you send it in the next hour?"
Sorry, I'm not available this afternoon and this will need testing before we send it.
"I really need it done today."
I can take a look this evening so it's ready to go in the morning when people are more likely to open it.
"OK, but today would be ideal."
So I update a template, add the mailing list and send a test later on that evening.
__
10am. "Thanks for sorting that. Here are some changes."
10.40am. New test sent for approval. No reply yet. Not answering her phone. It's now 2pm.
__
- fuck that shit.Bluejam
- Yup. I've even given them a marketing plan with a calendar of events. Completely ignores it. Everything is an afterthought. Nothing is ever ready.monoboy
- Also. How easy is it to use MailChimp or Campaign Monitor. Not for this numpty.monoboy
- And. She sends me .xls scraped from a payment gateway to add to lists with no opt in. Total ramjet.monoboy
- All whilst trying to finish a 36pp brochure for another client. I fucking hate this job sometimes.monoboy
- Too busy for client work?bainbridge
- OBBTKN1
The client (a "competent" video studio): please, send us the logos, we need to do a demo
Me: ok (i've sent them the logos on Ai and PDF)
Client: we can not open the files in PS, please, send us a PSD file with the logos on it
Me (Are you kidding me?): Opened the PDF file in PS, with transparent background (i know it's going to be the next...) and in hi-res, sent it
Client: We need it on PNG, WITH transparent background
Me (your are kidding me, mate): Opened the PSD, and saved like PNG...
Now, i am waiting for another idiotic request from them, take the axe, get into my car...
Please
- 1st world problems. Saving in new formats, so difficult.bainbridge
- yes, i know... never a problem mate, but the studio was not my final client, and they can make it by itself with the first file than stealing my time...OBBTKN
- set5
Just had a client ask..
'Can we maximise the RGB colours please?'
No. No we can't.
- lolmonospaced
- you should max all the other colours, just to piss them off.Fax_Benson
- what does that even mean?oey
- No ideaset
- https://www.pyimages…ETM
- maximize efficiently to stay under budget.umbee54
- product mgr at a record label once admonished me for not using 'all the colours' in a 4-colour ad magazine ad. "we payed for ALL the colours!"Gnash
- GNASH:
Bhahahahaha!
I bet he felt so smart saying thatMiguex - lolset
- and it was for this album
http://loudwire.com/…Gnash - Butterflies can see light that humans cannot see, should have asked if they were related.Maaku
- send them a Set psb giffuturefood
- Give them to a wider gamut! ... to nerdy!mugwart
- BusterBoy0
Spent hours of testing on a client site and had to put through a test transaction late Friday. Accidentally ran one through of $1,000 - sent them a polite email apologising and requesting the transaction be refunded.
Get an email this morning from an angry young bookeeper telling me "not to do that again" and "this has caused me a LOT of extra work".
Fuck me...I was moments away from getting on the phone and blasting this uppity little cunt. Sorry you need to click "refund transaction" from your gateway account...turd.
Discretion got the better of me....had a strong cup of coffee. Still contemplating an email to the owner of the business who I know pretty well.
- https://i.imgur.com/…
be cool, like fonzyGnash - :)BusterBoy
- don't do it. at least for now. keep your cool. obviously this person doesn't know shit about how to test something.oey
- and next time just ask the bookie to test it himself...hahahaha!oey
- https://i.imgur.com/…
- hotroddy0
If you told your client to meet 'next' monday on a tuesday--- would you interpret it as this coming monday? or following monday in 13 days?
- I would clarify but it sounds like next Monday 7 dayssofakingback
- The following Monday. Not 13 days...MrT
- Ya, this coming Monday. Although, if I was your client I'd email you back asking for clarity, "you mean the 24th or the 31st?"Gnash
- ok. thanks guyshotroddy
- 'Next whatever day' is the next occurence of that day.
'Whatever day week' is not the next occurence, but the one after that.BusterBoy - Clarify the day like Gnash saidOBBTKN
- Obviously the exact "next" Monday.freedom
- This monday is the following one. Next monday is the one after.set
- Your client speaks proper Englishset
- There's no need to ever say next monday for the following one. You just say on monday, or this monday. Next monday means the one AFTER the following monday.set
- The next one along, not this one just coming.set
- Set's English lesson for the day.set
- monoboy0
Absolute cracker today.
I get sent a rather curt email from a random competitor (agency) asking for details on the email hosting for one of my clients.
The client has asked them to set up a new user mailbox.
I phone the client to ask why they didn't ask me to do it, seeing as it's a five-minute job and I have control of the current hosting account.
Turns out the client wanted to switch 'provider' because it's rubbish and keeps 'archiving her emails too often and quickly'.
You mean your Outlook AutoArchive settings?
Jesus.
- I only offered to set it up originally to help them out. More hassle than it's worth.monoboy
- I've always been really polite and courteous to peers when I'm taking over the work. No need to be a twat in addition to taking their client.noneck
- I don't think she even realises it's her mistake or the time involved in migrating business critical communications.monoboy
- More than happy to pass on the responsibility of hosting their email. But it's the total lack of understanding and curtesy that pisses me off.monoboy
- canoe0
Client refuses to be involved in the "Google Kingdom" so four of us are stuck working on one Excel doc with six different tabs for a 100 page webste... I can't imagine how this is going to go over...
We used Dropbox Paper for copy and it worked well. But they have nothing for spreadsheets.
Can you believe that - he'd rather fuck us all over because he's paranoid about Google getting into his life. Can't stand this client.
- Bet he wants his site to be No1 in google searches though.HAYZ1LLLA
- that sucksGnash
- I thought you could do that with dropbox
https://www.dropbox.…Gnash - not tried it myselfGnash
- so... you bitch because the guy doesnt want to be a google sheep???? Baaaaaaaa (to you).pr2
- why are you letting the client dictate software?doesnotexist
- Why wouldn't a client have a right to insist its data not be hosted in places it doesn't trust?detritus
- monoboy0
Same geezer...
Have you switched over my new email address on the website?
....Yes, we did it last month. I sent you a few test emails and you replied. MailChimp is also receiving new subscriptions OK.
Thank god for Basecamp. Seriously.
- I document every client interaction and post recaps in Basecamp for this exact reason. Has saved my ass countless times.Crack_Junkie
- I hate crap like this when couldn't they just LOOK at their own website to check? Or submit a test contact form?ETM
- He can't really use a computer. Verifying his email for MailChimp took a 30 minute phone call that felt like a scene from Airplane.monoboy
- Wow... considering most grandparents now can email, browse the web and use Facebook without issue.ETM
- monoboy0
Can I have some simple signage made to send to my supplier?
...of course. I visit, measure, design and artworked
Perfect.
....Great, here's the final PDFs, just send it on to you supplier with my instructions above.
A MONTH LATER
Where's my signage, I open next week and it's still not arrived?
...Odd, give them a chase, when did you send the artwork?
Oh.
- HAYZ1LLLA0
Once had a client who asked me to quote some work. Hadn't heard from them in a few years.
The email he sent me asking for the quote was a RE: to our last communication we had in which I was informing him I was taking legal proceedings for not paying his bills.