Demetri Martin Quotes
- Started
- Last post
- 24 Responses
- Stitchy_Lizard
“I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude.’ ‘Dude, these are isotopes.’ ‘Dude, we removed your kidney. You’re gonna be fine.’ ‘Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.’”
- baseline_shift0
i learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
- Stitchy_Lizard0
"Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name...
..DJ Abraham Lincoln"
- harlequino0
I got these new pajama bottoms and they have pockets. Which is great, because I was getting really tired of holding things while I slept.
- ********0
his TV show is terrible
- it really is.baseline_shift
- i enjoy itflyingnowhere
- I love it, he reminds me of Mitch HedbergStitchy_Lizard
- i like it for the most part.7point34
- thats not a quote
climbatree
- 7point340
They say that you can tell man apart from other animals by his ability to reason. I think you could also go by last names. What’s his name? Patches? Patches what? That’s a dog. Don’t waste my time.
- Stitchy_Lizard0
“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”
- Stitchy_Lizard0
“A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. ‘Dude make a left.’ ‘Those are trees...’ ‘Trust me.’
- 7point340
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.
- 7point340
I love women, but I feel like you can’t trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog’s name. Then Í said, “Does he bite?”. She said “No.” And I said, “Oh yeah? Then how does he eat? ... Liar.”
- almost a complete rip of the Inspector Clouseau in The Pink Panther movies from long ago.********
- does your dog bite? "no" *bends down to pet the dog and it bites* i thought you said it didn't bite...********
- that's not my dog.********
- great joke, but how is that the same?7point34
- not the same joke********
- HOW IS THAT IN ANY WAY THE SAME JOKE????marychain
- almost a complete rip of the Inspector Clouseau in The Pink Panther movies from long ago.
- ********0
he's a hack
- acescence0
before he was "discovered" i think his stuff was smarter. he did this monologue sort of thing. now it's more like jokes strung together, a bit more dumbed down. he's got a good delivery sometimes though.
- iheartfun0
I like his standup better then the show but its still pretty funny. He was in DC a month ago im sorry I missed it!
- CyBrain0
He's my nephew-in-law.
- wademd0
I don’t like when I go in a store and they call me “Boss.” “Hey boss, can I help you, boss?” When they call me boss, I go, “I got some bad news... I’m gonna have to let you go, but first bring me the earnings from the register for today. I’ll give you severance, and give me the rest.”
- 5timuli0
“I think it’s weird how one group just took refractive light... that’s pretty greedy Gays...”
- Scotch_Roman0
I bought a dictionary. The first word I looked up was "Dictionary". It said "You're an asshole."
- Scotch_Roman0
Batteries are the most dramatic objects. Other things break or stop working. But batteries.... they die.
- Scotch_Roman0
If you want to sound like a creep, just add "ladies" to the end of everything you say. Doesn't matter, it could be anything.
"Thanks for coming to my show...ladies."
"Help, I've fallen into a well!! And I can't get out! ...ladies."
- Scotch_Roman0
Cottonballs are an example of something I'd want to buy, but not have as a nickname.
- Scotch_Roman0
Cinnamon buns, now—those are something I'd want to buy AND have as a nickname.
"Excuse me, are you cinnamon buns?"
"—You bet your sweet ass I am."