Mall Ninja
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- TheBlueOne
Don't drink liquids while reading or you'll splatter your screen...blog entries of a mall security guard who takes his job far, far, far too seriously...
http://lonelymachines.org/mall-n…
Some highlights:
"We’re cops, we just don’t get the glory. I am not permitted to carry Glocks on duty; however, when my wife picks me up from work I strap on the “Deadly Duo” of my 27 and 23, each with Bar-Sto .357 ammo..."
"f something happens at the Mall then I would be the hero, not those of you who are making fun of me for no reason. Yes Im not a Green Beret but guess what neither are you and unlike you I have to face unruly shoppers every day.My REAL problem is that, like any LEO, I have enemies because of my job. They may have access to high-powered rifles."
"It was a hostage situation that was hushed up. The SWAT prettyboys were overpowered by the Gap store, and we Backup RTF’ers had to resume our roles, and basically put everything five by five. The takedown was actually applied with SW weapons, SW3’s. It happened a while agao, and there is no way you would know what city I am in, so I can reveal these details, lets just say that the Mayor had really deep pockets to keep all of this out of the news."
"Listen, I don’t expect you civilians to understand the situation. But bear with me and I’ll see if I can pound it into you soft skulls.With the decay of society and the rotting away of the moral fiber of our country this world is getting more and more dangerous and down right mean. Who do you think protects you from the scum of this society??? The cops, the FBI, the army???Guess again, it’s the guys guarding your companies, your banks, your schools, your homes, your supermarkets, and yes smartass, even your malls."
- Llyod0
http://www.violentacres.com/ is much better
- barbtastic0
hahaha this tool sounds like my brother-in-law...
he's the guy that thinks everyone is listening in awe but in reality we are totally mocking him.
- odinie0
I think the character of Dwight from the office was based singlehandedly on this person.
- OSFA0
"when my wife picks me up from work..." hahahaha!!! I would love to see this guy at work!
- sikma0
site blocks IE7 - i love it
- harlequino0
Jesus, it's like an alternate universe in which Hunter Thompson became a mall cop. I'm waiting for a line to wit:
"Securing malls is one of the most atavistic and mind bending tasks known to man. You must be prepared for unending fucking weirdness around every corner. Especially in Claire's!"
- TheBlueOne0
What IF Hunter Thompson had become a mall cop?!
Wow...my mind is warping right now on that thought right now. Deep. I am forming a screenplay right now in my mind...
- Mallrats 2? "Fear and Loathing in Fashionable Male"
harlequino - In fact that screenplay ide just trumped my idea for a steampunk Broadway musical...TheBlueOne
- Mallrats? naw..something darker...like uncomfortable laughing funny...TheBlueOne
- Maybe "Little Children" meets Pasolini's "Salo?" meets "Caddyshack?"harlequino
- Yeah..but we need something with a voiceover...TheBlueOne
- "Christmas Story."
Hahahahahaharlequino
- Mallrats 2? "Fear and Loathing in Fashionable Male"
- harlequino0
Since I am half drunk and sadly watching the last hours of my week vacation melt away, and also waiting for this animation thing to finish rendering, I began the first scene.
UNTITLED HUNTER THOMPSON/MALL COP PROJECT
*Ed. Note: The reality of the film is one in which Hunter S. Thompson became a mall cop, circa 1998, with right wing satendencies.
EXT. MALL EXIT AND PARKING LOT, DAY.
Officer Gonzo puffs on his cigarette which is secured in a dark plastic holder. He inexplicably wears a visor cap and dark sunglasses. He eyeballs several mall customers as they exit the mall. They are carrying various name brand bags holding their recent purchase.Officer Gonzo calmly pulls a .357 Magnum from his waistband. He aims, and in rapid fire, eviscerates four customers. Mayhem ensues.
PASSERBY
Good God!! Stop!!THOMPSON
Huh?PASSERBY
Are you fucking crazy?! Stop firing!!THOMPSON
(as cool as a cucumber)
Oh that. That's ok, they'll be fine.PASSERBY
They're dead! You killed them, you maniac!!Officer Gonzo removes the spent cigarette from its holder, and screw in a new one.
THOMPSON
Best thing for them, really. Communists, you know. Worst kind. Purists. Carried copies of Dostoyevsky, Marx, and Lennon in their pocket. Notice that it's "Lennon" with an "o-n." That's what 's insane. Fucked midgets on the side for fun.The Passerby continues to rant in horror as Officer Gonzo walks away. We hear his voice over.
THOMPSON VO
Despite the weirdness and constant barrage of vapid consumer diatribe, it was an easy job. I made it very clear to the swine in the head office when I wrote in the "Hobbies" box on the application that I felt "killing commies" was an acceptable and obligatory pastime of the American workforce. Especially on one's lunch hour.
I was preparing to amend my file with "Killing food-court Popeye's employees" within the week.
- honest0
The guy has a point. I sat through the new Rambo movie and didn't even flinch, I thought it was a documentary. Shows like 24 and Prison Break don't help.
I get the feeling we're heading the way that the Egyptian civilization went only this time, the Romans will arrive from outer space.
- Wow, you are the best at this whole subtle "missing the point" technique. Kung Fu my good man, Kung Fu.********
- Wow, you are the best at this whole subtle "missing the point" technique. Kung Fu my good man, Kung Fu.
- OSFA0
hahaha!
- odinie0
So funny, thanks!