New Rules 2006
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- ********
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
- -sputnik-0
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
hahaha...made my day!!
- tkmeister0
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
sorry mate. i prefer sparkling warter with mandarin orange flavor.
- grayhood0
me and my cheese baby are highly offended.
- peteski0
great work there tickski
- mg330
New Rule:
Anyone can get drunk, so stop talking about it like it's the most interesting aspect of your life. Oh, it IS the most interesting aspect of your life? May God have mercy on your soul.New Rule:
If you were a geek in high school, posting as many pictures of yourself now with as many girls as possible on your Myspace page doesn't prove that you're adored. It proves that you still masturbate before bed every single night, and giggle while you're doing it. (P.S. The girls you're having your pictures taken with aren't even cute. Most of them look like they're just a tad bit shy of a body covered in 70% cellulite. No one's falling for it, it's just a clever camera angle.)
- gramme0
scotch: the new old man's drink. get your peat smoke on, holla!
- Point50
actually laughed at the phrase "...white version of looting"
- sherman0
HAHA
- mattyd0
New Rule: Stop ripping New Rules off Bill Maher's website and pawning them off as your own.
- ********0
Wasn't trying to pass them on as my own..just passing them on..didn't know where they came from, showed up in my mail box...
NEW RULE
Don't make assumptions on the internet, makes an ass of...well, forget it..that's an old rule..
- ********0
awesome!
Anything Non-PC is GREAT by me!
- Kidneon0
Best List Ever.
- blaw0
actually laughed at the phrase "...white version of looting"
Point5
(Jan 3 06, 14:53)----
here, here.
- GreedoLives0
My girlfriend is actually a big eyebrow tweeze fan...she cracked up when she read that one. That and the cheese baby.
- shaft0
I was shocked once when my ex-gf turned her not-so-goodlooking friend into an attractive one just by a few minutes of eyebrow tweeze action. It totally changed this girl's looks and she was the most surprised.
Let'em pluck, guys//scratches own monobrow
- tkmeister0
i guessi need some eyebrow action too.
- pascii0
i need less hair
*scratches fur
- tomkat0
lovely read
- mrdobolina0
New Rule:
You MUST carry $10 Dollars cash on you at all times. If you pay for a cup of coffee with your debit or cedit card, I have the right to thrash you.