vormburo text crit
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- DutchBoy
http://www.cymd.net/stuff/crit/
can you spellcheck it, and say if this sort of english does make any sense to you?
I am trying to keep it short, but really need to put my message across to target a 'certain breed' of clients.
it ain't easy when there's noone around for a good crit.
i thank you all in advance!
- DutchBoy0
it is too complicated/formal innit?
- rabattski0
to whom is it directed?
- DutchBoy0
ceo's and project managers at larger govt. institutions and universities etc. (preferrably though, as i have good experience with these sort of clients, and some are abroad).
- rabattski0
not english native but:
We aim to find eye-opening solutions for our clients or more importantly for our clients' clients.
- rabattski0
in that case i don't think it's too formal.
- DutchBoy0
but not exclusively.. that's why i am torturing my brains over this.. grr!!
- DutchBoy0
yeah, that's better, thx rabattski.
- rabattski0
... Vormburo to satisfy the project demands and to avoid deviation ...
- DutchBoy0
ya, thx.
i suck with punctuation.
- DutchBoy0
suck at.. i meant.. ;P
anyone else got some crits?
- rabattski0
well the brain torturing you talk about sounds familiar. i still have this idea how to solve that issue. about how you can talk to different target audiences.
thing is you don't know who's checking out your site right? so my idea is to start a site with two trigger words, or two short trigger sentences. or more depending on the amount of different target audiences.
one trigger word / sentence would be appealing to corporate visitors the other one to non-corporate (or other type of) visitors (thus using "scary" words etc. :))
depending on what a visitor chooses they get a different tone of voice (textual and possibly, if needed visually).
- rabattski0
you can also adapt the case summaries to that system etc.
- DutchBoy0
awesome idea!!
might try that, yes!
- DutchBoy0
oh, by the way: http://agency.curiouspictures.co… , thanks for this, paul, it made my day!
- rabattski0
hehehe.... mine as well :)
- mikeim0
DB, i think you need to move your comma before the word "or" and after "clients":
for our clients, or more importantly, for our...
- DutchBoy0
yes. i was wrong again! gnn' and grr!!
thank you!!
- contra0
This...
Specialists in traditional and new media are enlisted by Vormburo to satisfy the projects' demands and to avoid deviation from the original concept by technical limitations.
might sound better as...
Vormburo work with a range of specialists in traditional and new media to ensure the technical and creative demands of a original concept are not limited by our personal skill set.
Not perfect though, definitely some room for improvement in my version. Needs a more positive ending.
- DutchBoy0
yes it is. that was actually the part i was having most trouble with.
thx!
*virtual free beer for everyone
;)
- contra0
and this...
Our unique interpretation and translation of a given initial briefing is consistently arbitrated to be positively surprising.
...really doesn't make sense. Sounds like you've eaten the dictionary.